Rads, Rogue cells, and Rambo:)

                                              This is what we think about CANCER!!!!

    As this journey takes another step out of the dark side and into the LIGHT, I find my self plagued with another challenge and obstacle. RADIATION !!! Not only am I afraid of the huge machine and cat scan I have to get done on Wednesday and the start up of radiation next Monday, I also hate the possible side effects of the radiation including another possible cancer.... just like the chemo I had can also cause non- Hodgkin's lymphoma or leukemia. It has to be done, just like the chemo and the benefits outweigh the risks by far. The possible heart and lung complications are real, but like with the RED DEVIL chemotherapy it would most likely show up 20 years from now, when I personally believe Jesus Christ himself will have returned to take me to heaven with him and all the other sinners turned saints by then so..... I am not worried about the side effects, I just hate that there are any.
    Cancer has changed my life in many ways impacting everything to the food that I eat, most of these changes needed to happen to keep me heart healthy and to maintain my weight. I am also trying to reduce stress and exercise more, both as of late have evaded me. Anytime there is a break up or move it is stressful and in the midst of cancer treatment it is HORRIBLE. I have switched all of my oncologists here and will have one more fill prior to radiation in KC. I HATE CHANGE and new people especially when I have had THE BEST of the BEST at the Kansas City Cancer Center North,  St. Lukes Northland Hospital and BEST PLASTICS doctor at Associated Plastic Surgeons in Overland Park. The new radiation doctor hails from Kansas and is wonderful but I am just dreading another regimen that lasts 33 business days and finishes on my 36th birthday. I HATE CANCER!
    I have been out of church for some weeks and can tell in my spirit that I NEED church. I need the Word of God to sustain me through these next few weeks. I feel as though I know why I am avoiding church and God right now and it is because I am hurt and angry that things didn't work out in my relationship. I can't be hurt, angry and living in the past once I take it to God and ask him to help. I am ashamed I have been holding on to this for this many days. I KNOW what God has done for me and I KNOW how he held my head up as I fought this disease and I KNOW that he is protecting me and guiding my steps even if right now I am in pain and hurting. He knows the future, not I. I asked him for help and guidance and he gave it to me, now I just need to accept it and go on living life instead of wondering why and what if this or that? For HE knows the plans....not I.
    Back to radiation....for those that don't know radiation will kill any rouge cells that may still be on or around the tumor site and where the positive lymph nodes were found. I will have 28 regular treatments and 5 boosts to the tumor and incision site to reduce chances of a local recurrence to 9 % rather than 25-33%. So, it is a no brainer. I am, however, going to be traveling 50 miles each way to Springfield each day for treatment. It only takes about 2 or 3 minutes and undressing takes longer, but WOW...what a drive. It is also a huge expense with gas prices so high and most recently my car had broken down....well the wheel anyway. I had a ball joint, tyrod thingy break, so more expense. Anyway, I have a very supportive family and group of incredible friends that have seen me though. I love you all:) Please continue to pray for me as I embark on another step in this ladder to freedom and survivorship. I will be taking on this challenge like the last.....as RAMBO:)