I'm SEXY and I KNOW it!

     I usually always write about deep feelings and subjects that have been happening in my life since cancer and tonight is no exception. Tonight I am feeling A LOT better about my life and the direction it is heading. I am a child of the KING, even when circumstances seem bleak, desolate, destitute, I am blessed and favored.  I am also HUMAN and fall prey to the worries, wonders and what if''s and last week I was REALLY struggling. I hadn't found a job or decided what I was doing with my personal life. My whole life got JACKED! But this is a NEW week and I have been dealt and created much worse circumstances than this and GUESS WHAT? I am still here. Cancer didn't kill me and neither will this. I have a purpose and call on my life to help others and no circumstance, problem, issue is going to get in the way. God just keeps opening doors for me and I go in and jump out the window. WHO does that? I have been so misguided and so foolish! No more!!!!
   I landed a job this last week as the Marketing Director for a long term care facility, praise God! I have been praying so hard for another opportunity to serve others and make some bank! I have been struggling financially and worrying about my insurance situation as I cannot go one day without coverage. My new job not only exceeds my financial expectations by tens of thousands it has excellent insurance. I am soooo blessed.
    I had THE BEST day today with my daughter. Sierra Denae Angst.....the MOST beautiful girl in the world. We went shopping and out to lunch, it was amazing. Who says retail therapy is a fallacy? It is real girls! We laughed and cried about cancer, boys, collage and Christ. I needed her so much! I feel like my old self again, before cancer, before the BULL! It was GREAT! It was the perfect Christmas gift. She has been God's gift to me more than once and today I am blessed. Merry Christmas to me.

    Sierra and I tried on clothes, shoes, dresses for New Years. It was a blast. She complimented me by saying to someone "My mom is such a FOX". I laughed, but it felt good to be called a FOX. My self esteem had been fractured, broken and hurt by certain circumstances and cancer, but NO MORE! I am sexy and I know it!  Last year at Christmas and New Years I was bald, with a concave chest with scars that reached almost entirely across it. This year although I am still wearing my wigs I do have hair and I do have foobs. I can get dressed up in a cute dress even if I have to dab a little concealer on my scars:) At midnight I will KISS this year goodbye and thank God for another.

http://youtu.be/wyx6JDQCslE

Go BIG or Go HOME!

     I have always believed that I live my life as an open book with nothing to hide. I still feel that way. I have made mistakes....MANY, but I feel that my honesty and candid conversation helps and heals me and others.  As I have said many times before, I hope that my life and path either deters others from making the same mistakes or let's them know that they are not alone in their thoughts or problems. This is NOT a "how to" blog people. Life is a lesson and if you keep hiding who and what you are you will never get better, stop making the same mistakes, or move on. You will continue to wander about the wilderness. I say be honest, be true in every area of your life, if you don't your only cheating yourself from a REAL life experience and a REAL chance at happiness. GO BIG or GO HOME!!!

    I have been battling spiritually in a way since coming back to KC. I am about to launch the website which I am super excited about, but daily my routine has been laxed. I like routine and am VERY goal oriented. Since survivorship has begun I have lived each day with a mission and purpose for that particular day. I am living a purpose driven life and lately have been feeling a little lost without a job, routine or service position. I enjoyed serving meals on wheels and really miss that feeling of making a difference in others lives, especially seniors. I am on a mission to get that going here also. Please pray for me in that area and all others. Your prayers have gotten me through each day since diagnosis. I love you all <3.

  I am doing well physically and have been discharged to 9 week oncology visits. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!! I am so happy. God is so good. He has taken me through so much and continues to daily. I am so blessed. I looked at some photos from last years Christmas and I began to cry. I was bald, pale and very frail. I was at the end of the HARDEST part of my treatment, my last dense dose A/C was very, very close. God was really working wonders in my life and although I hated going through it, it has made me STRONG! He has drawn me closer to Him and given my life a purpose and mission. Helping other survivors navigate through this process is so rewarding and encounters in that realm happen almost daily. PRAISE YOU JESUS for your are the author of my life!!!!! What YOU have for me is MORE than I could ever accomplish on my own. Praise God!

     All of our children are all doing well. Brett and I are preparing for Christmas here at the farm. We have around 20 chickens, two cats with a litter on the way, a dog, three kids and grandma here at the farm. We decorated the house with over 6000 lights, I trimmed the tree with all of my favorite red and gold ornaments. It is all so beautiful! We are so excited to spend our first Christmas here. We will be baking our" Happy Birthday Jesus" cake on Christmas that we will not forget the REAL reason for the season. Jesus Christ mommy's healer, redeemer, deliverer, and best friend. Yep, my best friend was born in a manger <3.

  For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost....Luke19:10

Mother, Daughter and Friend

      .

    This morning I was awoke by a voice mail from my brother saying that our aunt by marriage had passed away after a long battle with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. She was 52. It is very difficult to lose anyone but after being diagnosed with cancer every time you hear of a  recurrence or death it is a wake up call, like a punch in the stomach that takes you right back to the day you were diagnosed. As awful as that sounds and it really is, it is useful, for me anyway. As the months pass since active treatment you begin to migrate back to normalcy that normal feeling is your ultimate goal, the PRIZE, during chemo. That normal, however, is challenged with each doctor visit, each ache, pain, scan or test. But none like the loss of a fellow survivor. My heart is heavy but I know that God has a plan for me as he did for Diane. I don't know the details but I trust Him. Praise you God for another day to be a mother to my children, a daughter to my mother and father, a sister, granddaughter, cousin and friend. Amen.

    This is a photo of my aunt Diane and her mother at her church in the Northland, she signed for the deaf patrons in her church before diagnosis. This morning she is gazing upon our Saviors face in heaven:)

 

 

 

 The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not  want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. Amen

Are you a Pink Princess?

   It has become more and more apparent to me that I have a responsibility to make something good out of the last years heartache and trials. Having said that I have wondered which way God would take me, how He would use me, where I would go and what I would do. I have been dabbling in this and that. I have been approached by some to write forwards on their book, others to speak at events, and as late as this morning to work on a short story for a book collaboration by two other AMAZING survivors. I have been trying to decide on going back to work full time or continue doing the ventures I am pursuing at this time. I have started the process of launching my own website, WOW, what a job that is, it should be up by the first of November. The website and my mission is to unite other survivors, offer support and encouragement as well as have FUN! I love all things girl as many of you know, though this journey strips from you of many things that are PRINCESS! Things I once considered part of my womanhood. I struggled as many of you know with losing my hair, my breasts and my ability to have another child after diagnosis., as well as the thoughts of losing the battle. Cancer isn't for cowards people!!!

 God, fashion, food, antiques, gardening, hunting, food, volunteering, working out, being a mom, food, all of these are things and much much more define who I am, NOT cancer! Did I mention good food? LOL! I want women to come together on my site and network with other young women that are facing the same issues, but choose to THRIVE! I have struggled with pursuing anything that had breast cancer in the name as a career because I wanted cancer to stay in my rear view. It is still in my rear view and some days I embrace it because nothing short of that would have brought about the changes in me. On other days I wish I could wake up and it all have been a BAD DREAM! Well, one thing I can do is continue to keep living, keep busy raising my kids, volunteering and helping others, eating well, exercising and enjoying my life. Everyday is a gift, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, with or without cancer. I have been blessed beyond measure despite the obstacles and trials I have been through in the last year. God has supplied every need for me and I want for nothing! I long to serve and edify him every day from here on out.

  Team Pink Princess is my way of moving past cancer, helping and serving others, giving those struggling hope that they too shall get though this!!!! Please continue to follow me and The Team PINK PRINCESS on Facebook and coming soon teampinkprincess.com. I pray with God's help it explodes into a great ministry for those walking this path. Remember with God ALL things are possible!!!!!

   

Team "Pink Princess"

                                                                                  
Why I'm Making Strides

My breast cancer story began July 13, 2010 @ 1:30 in the afternoon. I was at my doctor for my annual check up and had promised my self I would ask her to look at the "dent" I has in my left breast. I had noticed it right before Colt was to be born and thought it was just due to my milk coming in...boy was I wrong. At the appt brought the "dent" to my nurse practitioner's attention, she said I don't think it's anything. She pretty much dismissed it even after she had done my breast exam. It must have not FELT like cancer. I pushed again before she left  for her to look with my arm raised, because it looked different or worse when my arm was up. She again said "Well, there is a "dent" but I don't think it's anything, BUT we will send you for a mammogram just to be sure." WOW....was this happening to me?

    So, got to the imaging center same day, had the mammogram and then they took me to another room to have an ultrasound. I knew it was not good at that point. As the radiologist does the ultrasound he looks at me and says" You have a mass Heather, and I believe it is breast cancer". I was BLOWN away. No family history of breast cancer, in fact I met none of the criteria for having this diagnosis. WOW...what next? 

     Meet Dr. Lehr, surgeon...." Heather, you don't have family history, your young, I believe this is going to be nothing, but let's do the biopsy to be sure".......3 days later "Heather, it's Dr. Lehr......are you sitting down?" ....No, do I need to be? "Yes, you do have breast cancer".....yada yada yada....my world was spinning. Ductal Carcinoma, what is that? WOW...again...how can this be happening? I went to his office the next day with my mom and grams, my "support" team. We discussed the cancer, what it meant and how to treat it? Would I live? Am I going to die? ....I wanted the cancer OUT- gone, I wanted him to take both of my breast that I would NEVER have to deal with this again. He said let's go slow, we can go forward but never back and if we do the double mastectomy you can't go backwards.

    So, I had a lumpectomy, margins clear, no node involvement, but it was invasive. The tumor was 3.2 cm, it was estrogen and progesterone driven or positive and it did not have the her protein that is present in aggressive forms of breast cancer. After the initial path report revealed no node involvement the final one said 2 positive nodes...wow that means CHEMO. Could this get any better? I may lose my boobs which I LOVE and now my hair!!!!! This cannot be happening!!!!! But it was,  I was then given the BRCA test to see if I am at a greater genetic risk for recurrence. If so, recommendations were to have a double mastectomy to reduce the risk. The BRCA test results came back MAYBE...wow...1 of 10 people in the WORLD to have this particular mutation, still trying to find out the significance of it. Still recommendations from 2 oncologists and my surgeon, double mastectomy to reduce risk, as each year it would climb 0.5% plus my 10 to 20% chance of recurrence just having been DX previously. So, decided to have the double mastectomy to ensure a better survival rate and less chance of recurrence. WOW is this hard!!!!!!

     I am a woman BECAUSE I have boobs rite? What does it mean if I don't have any?  Struggling but muddling through, all the while weaning our son in 3 days. It was very difficult for me and I thought would be devastating to the little man cause he was a boob guy for sure, but he transitioned beautifully. Still everything else was haywire, I was trying to be strong, praying and believing that God would change this outcome and move for me to get me out of this nightmare.  Then it happened God stepped in at my weakest moment and took my hand and said, "This is your testimony and you will tell a lot of women your story". WOW, it is starting to make sense now,  I hadn't revealed this to anyone but God had told me this last fall and I knew the second time I heard it what it really meant. I was going to live and beat breast cancer so that I might share my story with others. I CAN do this, no matter what I am going to come through this.

    August 23, 2010 I had a bilateral mastectomy clear margins and one more positive node, that means Stage2 B. WOW....I had not asked any Dr at that point what stage as when you hear the word cancer you assume stage 4 and death, or at least I did. Months of chemo, surgery and radiation would follow, before the sun would come out again. Today I am done with all treatment with the exception of my Femara to block any stray estrogen. I am doing beautifully, to GOD be the glory. Cancer is NOT a death sentence and for me was just the beginning of the rest of my beautiful life. 

    I AM THE FACE OF BREAST CANCER. October is breast cancer awareness month, I want to urge all women to ask your doctor to test your for the BRACA gene and see what your risk is...even if you have no family history, if you test positive your chance of developing breast cancer before the age of 60 is 80- 85%. Please be proactive with your health and press and push your doctors to do more tests if your body is telling you something different. My tumor based on size and grade had been growing 5-7 years, that means I was 27 -29 years old when it began . I would NOT, based on the current policies and recommendations, had a mammogram until 40 and by then it could have been too late.

Please Read my story from diagnosis through today at www.heathersknockingoutcancer.blogspot.com/

Why am I walking?

Because I know that I will make a difference. I know that by raising funds and walking in my Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event, I will help the American Cancer Society continue to save lives from breast cancer ? and create a world with less breast cancer and more birthdays. How do they do it? Every day, the Society is helping people stay well by helping them take steps to reduce their risk of breast cancer or find it early, when it is easiest to treat; helping people get well with information, day-to-day help, and emotional support to guide them through every step of a breast cancer experience; by finding cures and promising new treatments through funding and conducting research; and by fighting back by working with lawmakers to help all women get access to screenings and care. 

I believe that one day, breast cancer will never steal another year from anyone's life ? and we will live in a world with less breast cancer and more birthdays. That's why I'm walking. Not only is this my opportunity to join my community to fight back against breast cancer, but it is also a way to inspire hope by raising funds and awareness to help those facing the disease.

And you can be a part of it, too. 

I have signed up to walk and raise funds to support the American Cancer Society's efforts to fight breast cancer. I hope you will join my team or make a donation in support of my participation. Together, we can make strides to end breast cancer!

To sponsor me and my team for the walk in Springfield, MO on October 15th @ Jordan Valley Park. Please follow the link below to donate.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=23192531&pg=personal&fr_id=36159

Thanks again for all of your prayers and support. I am FOREVER grateful!!!!

I am FREE!!!!

   The Bible says that......Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. I am worth more than sparrows, Praise God! Some of you may say "Well, I hope you are worth more than a bird". But how many times do we wonder during a rough or difficult time if God hears our prayers or has time to deal with our problems. He does. The Bible says it and I believe it. I have been through the roughest three years of my life, starting with a divorce, cancer, the failure of another relationship. I have three beautiful children and a renewed faith in Christ to show for the trials I have endured. I am blessed. I don't feel sorry for my self, wish things were different, or even wish to change the past failures and mistakes. They have been lessons learned. I have been made NEW and STRONG, Praise God! 
    I continue to heal physically from the treatments and emotionally from the rest. I am a work in progress. I make mistakes, I fall on my face, followed by stints on my knees asking for forgiveness. I am so blessed with the direction my life is taking and I am so grateful for the people and opportunities I have been given. I am not only a survivor, I am a thriver. I am FREE. Cancer FREE, FREE to run, FREE to dance:) 
   My kids are all doing exceptional. Sierra and I are busy touring colleges for her after graduation. Dakota is one of the smartest kids in his class and his teacher feels that he maybe hold the highest score on the Map test this year. Colt continues to learn and grow so fast. He has expanded his vocabulary to include, kitty, owie, dog, and a host of other words. He is my busy bee. They are my life:) 
   I am blessed beyond measure and cannot ever thank you all for every cooked meal, prayer, conversation, hug that you have given me since diagnosis. You all are my angels and I love you all:) Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please continue to follow me and pray for me as I walk this road of survivorship. MUAH!!!!! 

Praise God....I am FREE to dance:)

http://youtu.be/ZWv-UOHzaIc

Victoria's BIG Secret !!!!

      Well, after many months adjusting to the new DD's I finally made an attempt to buy my first bra with the expanders in. Yes, I have been going braless. I know wierd, but without nipples or sag issues what is the point, RIGHT?  I headed to Victoria Secret (reluctantly) as I dreaded the measure, questions and countless parade of "helpers" coming in and out of the dressing room. I was going to be a challenge with one wooden boob, thanks to the radiation and another that is also less than perfect.UGH! Now I remember why I hadn't done this sooner. I measured at 34 DD, which was NOT what I wanted to hear. DD...maybe but the 34 circumferance meant that I have gained weight and now measure a whole inch larger than before surgery. UGH! The weight issue has bothered me for a while and although I am not FAT, I am "CURVY" :) LOL! Curvy.....never been called curvy before breast cancer. Now, I will just stick to "boobilicious". Thank you, Dorinda:)

   Anyway, I did the box of house bras and found a fit or two, so I pick one....with underwire, for what I am unsure. I think just because I have always worn underwire. So, she gives me a 10 dollar off coupon and I am set. I get to the check out to pay, check the size and BOOM, she got me the WRONG size. Go back to the drawer and they don't have it in the color I wanted, and NO you can't use your 10 dollar off coupon online. SUCKY! So, long story short....Victoria's Secret is that she SUCKS!!!!

     Anywho,  I am about to be released to quarterly oncologist visits and am moving right along in my survivorship. Please continue to pray for me that I may continue to excell and remain healthy. I am working hard on diet and getting back into an exercise regimine. Please pray for me in that area also, I NEED IT!

   On a much, much lighter note, I am so happy and so blessed. I have been surrounded by the most wonderful, beautiful people over the last few months and have found myself again. I feel happy and whole.  God has been so good to me. He has revealed His plans and purpose for me. He has given me a message and voice to help others. He has blessed me with the most beautiful life I could have ever imagined. I am amazed by the plans and purpose he has for my life and so thankful for his blessings. Praise you JESUS for you are so GOOD!

God's been good to me............http://youtu.be/XnEr0Y8YpfY

I WILL RISE OUT OF THESE ASHES

       I Trust in Jesus, My great Deliverer, My strong Defender, The Son of God, I trust in Jesus, Blessed Redeemer, My Lord forever, The Holy One, the Holy One. That pretty much sums up who I am and what I attain to be. I still fall on my face almost daily, but I want to be counted as a person that only TRUSTS in JESUS and doesn't have to defend, manipulate, convince others about her character or past sins. I need say NOTHING! I had been doing very well with that notion until I found out that I was being attacked through facebook,  phone and text messages, by a person and his family that used to be the center of my life. It is hurtful, and hard to listen to others attack you and try to portray you as a bad mother, friend, wife, or person, but I cannot control it.
      So, much of the time I have been spending with God has been a conversation of his blessings, healing and guidance in my life. NOT about his ability to protect, provide a hedge around me and my children, and to DEFEND me. I need NOT defend myself against an attack from another person I need to trust God as I have with every other thing in my life. I need to let him protect, defend and deliver me from the false accusations. A friend said...."the people who REALLY know you, know that what is being said is untrue". I said, "but what about all the others that don't know me or haven't known me in years, what will they believe?" It hurt, but it's okay. I will be okay and I will RISE from these ashes, because through CHRIST I can do ALL things and he is the one that will DEFEND me,  not me, not my family , not my friends. He that is in me, he will protect me.
     I have been reading Job for a few months and the repetitive cries out for God to defend him through the book seem monotonous. But my choice of Job months back to begin studying was no accident. I am not a perfect person, I have made and continue to make mistakes but I am a good mother, friend, wife and christian. God does hear my prayers contrary to what I have been told by others. I am also not "damaged goods", "worthless" or "cancer ridden". And believe it or not I do deserve to care for my children despite the fact I HAD cancer. I am a newly born, healed, child of the all mighty God  and I will RISE out of these ashes.

http://youtu.be/UGw8EjkFP18

You're a FIREWORK!!!!

    As each day after diagnosis began to pass I realized that along with everything in this life...."This too would pass". Before each leg of the race I would visualize myself on the next step....the next surgery, the next chemo treatment, the next radiation appointment, it helped me deal with all the emotions that go along with a life threatening illness. It helped me propel myself forward. I spent my days fantasizing about the days past active treatment and how AWESOME it would be to have some sense of normalcy back in my life. It seemed at times like a pipe dream, that that day would never come. The triathlon that NEVER ENDS, but it did. 

  When I think back on those times I thought were so bad, and they were BAD, I have to be thankful. Thankful for each day that God had given me past that dreadful day in July, thankful for the time I spent "waiting" for the day it would be DONE!  I was "waiting" all the while drawing close to HIM, leaning on HIM and HIS promises. God does things in HIS timing, not Heather's by the way. That would be way too easy and would never have brought the changes in me that have manifested. I am STILL a work in progress and He is still working on me but I am soooo GOOD, and HE is SO GOOD!!!

  As my hair fell out in clumps and my reflection in the mirror became less and less "feminine" in my eyes, I began to crumble. I was taken down to "ROCK BOTTOM" for me. Physically I felt weak, winded, bald and bloated, but mentally I grew stronger and stronger. It was a metamorphosis of sort. As chemo treatments neared the end I began to regain my hair and my strength, I began to feel like a flower about to bloom again in the spring....a FIREWORK about to burst! I was seeing the light at the end of a LONG, dark tunnel. Reconstruction began and radiation followed. It was painful with the rapid expansion, but radiation flew by and I longed to DO SOMETHING!

   One year and eight days after the hardest day of my life here I am. So, what Satan set out to do...steal, kill and destroy.... backfired in a HUGE WAY! Not only am I on track in my own walk with Christ I am helping others navigate through this difficult diagnosis. Praise GOD!!! I have also went back to work and absolutely LOVE IT! I LOVE my residents, my staff and co- workers. I wake up every morning with purpose and fall(LITERALLY) into bed at night, feeling that I am changing the world, one hug, cup of coffee, smile at a time. I love my JOB!! I am exploding back into normalcy fast and furious with purpose, meaning and thanks for each day I am given to LOVE my family, kids and others.

                                         My name is Heather and I am a FIREWORK!!!!

                                                     http://youtu.be/QGJuMBdaqIw

 

I am not who I was

    Well, this weekend is THE weekend one year ago that my life began to spin out of control. Last year about this exact time the pathology report was returned and my surgeon called me on Saturday morning and said "Heather, are you sitting down?". I replied "No, do I need to be?". He said "Yes, Heather, it was cancer." My whole world shattered into a million pieces and I was along with my family and friends devastated. How could someone so young have breast cancer? How could someone that just had a baby and was still breast feeding him have breast cancer? How could a mother of two other children have cancer? Was there any justice in this world ? WHY? Why God, why me? I know sounds a little melodramatic but these are the thoughts that raced through my head that day. I had no idea how much cancer could steal from me, nor did I know that day just how much it would GIVE ME. Cancer was a gift. What Satan meant for harm, God has turned into something GREAT in me. I am NOT perfect and as late as yesterday evening was reminded of that by someone I used to know and love, but I am NOT who I once was. I will hold myself to a standard of Grace, not perfection, not anymore anyway.
   Cancer was a turning point in my life that on that day I never anticipated. I knew I was going to have to endure physical things that I had NEVER wanted to face like surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and much much more. What I didn't know is how going through those things would change, sharpen and heal the parts of me that were not physically broken by cancer, but by life. I am exactly like you, a human. I was flawed and jaded by a life of bad choices of my own and of others that had caused me to carry lots of baggage, burden and unforgiveness. I needed to change. I needed to be shook up. I needed God and him alone. No one else could help me, HE was all I had and what I didn't realize before cancer was that HE was ALL I EVER needed.  Although, I often wondered at times going through this if He weren't in heaven going...."Is it her again?". I am still high maintenance even for GOD, but he knew it when He made me. Now He is just channeling it for his purpose. Praise GOD!!!!
  Dependence on God was never my strong suite, even when I wasn't running about the wilderness and I was what I thought was serving God, I was really just testing the waters. I would take God out when I needed Him, when I was in trouble, when I was hurt, when someone else hurt me but when I began to FEEL better I put him away again until the next time I NEEDED Him. This time I needed him for EVERYTHING! Just as I had before cancer, but I was too silly to realize. Total dependence on God is like for a type A personality like going for a root canal everyday of your life. Again, I know melodramatic!!! But for me that was the case. I wanted to control ever situation, every person, place and thing. I thought of others that actually were enjoying there life as slackers....why didn't they worry about there yard not being mowed every weekend. WOW....what a miserable person I must have been to be around. I pray to GOD that the people I have hurt or offended by the way I was will forgive me. So, where did God fit in a life like that when I was the RULER of everything and everyone in my life? Not really anywhere unless of course I needed Him.
   I have drawn close to God throughout this last year, I don't just take Him out when I need Him. He is the center of my life. He is my everything! I still fight daily the type A mentality, but know that I cannot even take a breath without Him. He is in control, He is the KING of KINGS. He is my best friend, He goes with me to every dr's appt, every treatment, every day every minute I long to serve Him and edify Him in some way. I notice my self using phrases like" I am not going to worry about it" and "God's got this". Total dependence on God has given me freedom to enjoy my life, not sweating the small stuff. Not worrying or wondering about this or that....life or death even. My fear of death has been overcome. I know HIS death on the cross gave me victory over my sins, my disease, and death. I no longer fear, I am full of faith, hope and promise. ALL because of HIM and what He did for me that "Six hours one Friday"- GREAT BOOK by Max Lucado. And for that I am eternally grateful.
   My relationship with Christ is the CENTER of my life and world. Brett, my family, my doctors, nurses and friends have been AWESOME throughout this journey and I know that they each were placed there for me at each moment through this journey. I hope that my relationship with God shows each of them what God can do when you, give it to Him. I mean GIVE IT ALL, ALL, ALL to Him. I love you all. You are all my angels here on earth, MUAH!!!!

I am not who I was......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY&feature=share

   
  

Fearfully and Wonderfully MADE!!!!

     For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.....Psalm 139:13-16

     I believe with every fiber of my being that EVERY word in the Bible is TRUE and without FAIL. I know that God had created me and knew every step I have taken before I took it, every wrong turn, every mistake and HE still LOVES me. He also created me to live life and do it abundantly.That doesn't mean that I don't struggle and haven't struggled with issues besides cancer, some self induced some not. 

    I have been wrestling with many things throughout my cancer journey and I feel that I needed to have resolution and an ending to them. The first has been the distance between my daughter and I....physical distance, we talk at least 5 x a day and text more than that. She is almost 17 and has lived in Lebanon off and on since I moved to KC in November of 2009. It has taken a GREAT toll on me daily to be away from my first born, only daughter. She likes to"visit" the city, but is a country girl through and through. I have carried guilt over the divorce, the separation from her on a daily basis for a while now. She is very mature and headstrong and with the help of my ex-husbands family and my own she has managed very well but as a mother.....there is guilt, worry and a emptiness that filled my soul. It was a choice that she made...some might say she shouldn't have had the choice and maybe she shouldn't have. I moved to Lebanon when I was a sophomore and know how hard it is to leave everything you know, but after her wreck last fall and a subsequent wreck last month I have just about been bonkers. I want her with me.

(Me and my beautiful daughter Fourth of July 2011...note the wig....I was having a bad hair nite....thank you Jesus.... I still have wigs:)

      

     I moved back to Lebanon a few months ago one to be closer to my family during my last leg of treatments and LOVED being with my family and friends there but struggled to find work. I was also running from....not sure....Brett, cancer maybe both? Brett and I are not unlike every other couple in the world we have had ups and downs...with two divorces, a baby, cancer. We have been through it ALL. Another thing I have struggled with...having a baby and not being married to Brett....feeling like a hypocrite, a phony. My life, my heart is supposed to be a living testimony to Christ and all that he has brought me through not tainted by the fact that I was living in sin. I had it all going on...cancer, guilt from the Sierra situation, guilt from the Brett situation....condemnation at every turn. The devil and my sin have been dragging me down for months.

      Fast forward to now.... Sierra is on the fence about where she wants to stay...she has the summer to figure it out. She is working in Lebanon at a dress shop downtown and is waiting for her car to get repaired from the last fender bender. The boys are great and everything seems to be coming together....PRAISE GOD! I have recently read a book about remarriage, the authors have endured a path much like Brett and I, only they didn't have cancer in the mix. Thank YOU, Marilyn Courtney for caring enough for me and Brett to share these books and counsel us in some of our darkest times. I cannot wait to see you this Sunday at Northland Cathedral:) You are one of my BEST FRIENDS, I love you!!!!!

    I have been done with rads for about a month now and had my post rads visit to Dr. Rast. He says we are looking good, added another 50 cc's on rads side due to skin shrinkage from rads. I don't go back for 8 months and exchange is in a year. I am looking forward to coming back to the KC Cancer Center with Dr. Sheehan and NP Jennifer Bingham, they ROCK! Started taking my Femara each nite before bed, no terrible side effects as of late but am still feeling very stiff from the estrogen suppression. I am also still struggling with my diet and making the changes that make my body run to optimum level and coincide with trying to suppress all estrogen. Shout out to Fara Rose...health care extraordinaire, for working on some diet changes for me to get me back on track. Thank you sooo much, I hope to see you this week:)

    Thank you all for the support, encouragement and prayers that get me through each day. You are the BOMB !!!!! God bless you all!!!!

          I am making plans for that tattoo I blogged about a few months ago...I have narrowed it down to two.....here they are ......what do you think? Which one? Not sure where it is going yet but LOVE both of these.....Please help me decide.....

Or is it this one......?  

Jesus you make EVERYTHING GLORIOUS and I AM YOURS!!!!!!! http://youtu.be/sYaNBXwm4bI

Moving past the big "C"

    Moving past cancer has been more difficult than I thought in many ways and easier than I thought in others. The way I think has certainly changed, having had cancer has made me more aware than ever of my own mortality. It has also made me aware of the things I can do to improve my chances of living a long life and not dying from heart disease let alone breast cancer like diet, exercise etc. The physical changes to my body such as the scars from my surgeries, new foobs and the last five pounds that I cannot kick seem to phase me less than I thought. I have always taken care of myself and appearance was soooo very important to me. Don't get me wrong I still take care of myself but my worth and value is NOT based on how I look, what I weigh, what I am wearing or driving. THANK GOD!!! Because I looked healthy before and was sick, just didn't know it. I also was sick in my thinking and my value system was all whack! I am still a work in progress and certainly NOT perfect but the BEST I have ever been. Keep in mind....He is still working on me:)
   The harder parts of moving past cancer are AGAIN the "what if's." Controling and taming the "what if's" are what I would normally "do" in any situation that was uncertain. Now I just am learning to live with them. WOW...did I just say that? I really sound smart and put together. On many days I am and on others I fall flat on my face. BUT one truth still stands out in my mind and every time I doubt, fear, break down.....I cannot add one day to my life by worrying about the "what if's". I couldn't before and I can't now. It is HARD to be human and have knowledge and not use them to wonder, speculate and figure out. God created me and he knows me better than I know myself. Please then Lord....let my sharp, studious mind not dwell on the statics, stories, lives of other survivors with same stage, grade, node involvement be of NO significance to me. Give me that child like faith that has no room for doubt or fear only TRUST in you and your will for my life. Remind me of the promise you gave me before I even knew I had cancer that I would share my story with others. Please God, give me PEACE!
  Rads are over next onto Femara. I have an onco appointment next week as well as a trip to KC to the plastic surgeon to access the damage from radiation. Please continue to pray for me through this journey that we call life.

    Thank you to my Father in Heaven for being with me every moment of my life and thank you to my earthly father who REALLY stepped into the role of THE GREATEST DAD on earth, I love you!!!!!

This song is for you...........................Butterfly Kisses.

This is the FIRST day of the REST of my life:)

      Ding dong.....the bell has been rung :) I am DONE!!!! What now? That is "THE" question. I have had 4 surgeries, 5 months of chemotherapy, 33 radiation treatments and next stop, a 5 year estrogen binding drug. My oncologist says....You have already FOUGHT your fight. WOW...am I REALLY done? What does that mean? What am I going to do now that I am not FIGHTING cancer? Am I really done? Could it be possible that I may NEVER take another treatment? I BELIEVE so. Thank you to my Lord Jesus Christ who died for my sin, shame, and my healing. PRAISE YOU LORD!!!! You are my everything. Thank you for giving me another year with my children and family, I long only to serve and edify you!!! Bring on another 50 years.
   I have met some more amazing people throughout this leg of my journey that included my radiation oncologist Dr. Brawn, Dr. Nanny my medical oncologist along with all of the rad techs and nurses at the St. Johns Cancer Center. I love you all:) MUAH!!! To my oncology counselor Cynthia, I love you for hooking me up with each organization that was either there to help me or I could become apart of. You are AWESOME! To my financial counselor Cindy...you control the gas cards and are my BIGGEST cheerleader. I can't wait to be in the office RIGHT next to you. I love you! To the Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks...you ROCK!!! You have been instrumental in getting me back on my feet after diagnosis. I can't wait to give back.
   I have also had the opportunity to meet some beautiful women each day as we sat in the ladies waiting room each waiting to be zapped. Most of the ladies were over 50 and I had little in common with them as they were retired and had no small children at home. BUT one day I spotted a woman my age that had obviously went through chemo because she had the same "do" as me. I asked the other ladies about her and one day as the machines were out of commission we had a moment to chat. We exchanged numbers, began to text and became Facebook friends. She invited me to lunch and with the kids and travel I wondered if it would EVER happen. She finished rads a few days before me and as I watched her ring the bell with tears in her eyes as I KNEW I had to connect with her. She introduced me to her friend that I assumed she had been friends with for years as I watched them at her "ringing". Last week we had breakfast/lunch at Anton's after my treatment and THE THREE AMIGOS was cemented, there wasn't near enough time for us to chat. We DO need a weekend. Laura and Cassandra, the other PINK WARRIORS. Telling you all my story heals me and I hope helps you all feel that you are not alone in this war. I love you both, look forward to getting to know you both better and growing into old ladies together :) I heard this song by Matt Maher the day before we met at Anton's and immediately thought of you all.
http://youtu.be/Qu_LZcZP9zk 
  I am soooo thankful for my family and friends that have supported me through this whole cancer thingy:) You ROCK! To my dad that calls me EVERY single day with the same question....How are you feeling? I love you. You have always been a good dad but you have knocked it out of the park for me through this. You are THE BEST. To my kids....Sierra, Dakota, and Colt.....Mommy's back and better than ever. You three are MY LIFE!!!!   Tomorrow is the FIRST day of the REST of my life. Bring IT!!!!

Everything

     I want to start by saying my heart breaks for the families who have lost "EVERYTHING" in Joplin, but more importantly to those that have lost family. Everything to me used to mean something VERY different than "EVERYTHING" now. I have expressed my feelings upon finding out that I had cancer and also about the importance of viewing everyday as a GIFT, but seeing the devastation, hearing the mothers describe losing children.....UGH! Tears:(  I am reminded of what EVERYTHING is and how crucial it is for us all to come to terms with our own mortality, establish our priorities, and decide where we want to spend eternity. We are not indestructible, we are just human. We cannot even take a breath without our makers hand. My "everything" is my GOD and my children, nothing else really matters in the end. What is your EVERYTHING?
     I have enjoyed being back in L-town with my family and friends but do have to admit that I miss the city. I miss In a Tub, Leo's and Smokehouse. LOL! I miss the food, my church family at Northland and all the support they have given me through this journey. Miss you, Northland girls:) Since returning I have been going to the C.W. Chub O' Riley Cancer Center at St. Johns and have made wonderful friends with my techs, patients, and other local organizations in the Springfield area. Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks, Cancer Cares and St. Johns Cancer Center have all been life lines throughout this leg of the race. I could not have completed radiation without them. I can't wait to give back.
   I am almost done with radiation, eleven left and counting. I have been experiencing dry mouth, a scratchy throat, and mild fatigue. I am anxious to be done and figure out what lies ahead. I know I have five years of  a hormone therapy drug and many, many doctors visits to go, but I am a SURVIVOR!!!!! Please continue to pray for me as I find a new normal. Surviviorship is filled with many emotions that don't stop when treatment stops. Please pray specifically for health, healing, strength and peace with each exam, test, and scan. I love all of my prayer warriors. You ROCK!!!!

                  
 

GOD is BIGGER than cancer ! Can I get an AMEN?!

       God is BIGGER than cancer. I have throughout this journey REFUSED to ever capitalize the word cancer, I could barely say the word cancer after diagnosis but one thing I do know is GOD is BIGGER than cancer. It has no power over me, losing this battle isn't an option!!! Praise GOD!!!  I am sooo happy to be back in the house of GOD today with my friends and family from First Assembly, I was eager to hear the new pastor preach but instead there was a guest speaker. I was a little disappointed when I read it in the bulletin, but as he began to speak I knew I was right where I was supposed to be and he was there with those words for me. "He was there JUST for me", I said in the truck on the way home, but quickly was reprimanded by my daughter.....that word was for her....I don't really think so, but maybe GOD does think that EVERYONE is special and not just me. WINK!

     The message was on anxiety and although I feel like I have beat the anxiety trap I was in many years ago, cancer has a tendency to breed fear and dread thus anxiety. When I was going though chemo I was very physically weak so I spent a lot of time with God in his word and praying, I NEEDED that and still do. The only problem is as I got stronger physically, I began to resume many of my activities and duties leaving less time for GOD and his word to be spoken in my life, NOT COOL. As I said before, please don't think this is some kind of how to blog, in fact it is more of a what not to do blog, the pitfalls of this or that and that is fine. If my failures and shortcomings save someone else from wandering around the wilderness for 40 years I will be thankful!!!! Praise God!!!

   Back to me and my anxiety, fears, dread....I have a new oncologist and he is a christian, VERY thankful, but he is also very through and he does do "post treatment" scans. UGH! I was afraid of that. Many oncologist and insurance companies believe that scans done at this staging are unnecessary and only cause ANXIETY for the patient. If symptom free they don't do scans...very acceptable. BUT not my new doc, he waants a pet and bone scan after rads to have a "baseline". It immediately invoked FEAR, ANXIETY, and DREAD! But GOD says be anxious for NOTHING!

     Now, I know that when I was at my lowest of low and had sores in my mouth from chemo so bad I couldn't talk, eat or drink.....UGH!!!.....tears.....I cried out to GOD and he said "FIX your eyes on me, don't look at the physical symptoms, the TV, the Internet, all the statistics". I obeyed and those feelings left. I know MY GOD has healed me and I know that it is his will for me to walk in divine health until he splits the heavens open to take me home BUT....saying BUT is like undoing everything you said before the word BUT....WHAT a REVELATION!!!! So, GOD has healed me and that is the end of this story. I will submit to the scans and I won't like it. The devil will try to get me to entertain the thought that there maybe something on those scans but I refuse to accept that. I refuse to accept anything less than what He has in store for me. He said I was healed, saved and forgiven at the Cross and that is what I KNOW.

    One other thing I know is that at stage 2b it is easier to say that you have been healed than stage 4, but the Word doesn't give staging to the dead folks he raised or the leopards he healed. God's word is the same, yesterday, today and FOREVER and by HIS stripes I AM HEALED and all of you stage 4's you can be too. Just fix your eyes on him, don't look left or right, don't look at your physical symptoms. Don't look at the natural, stand on HIS word, HIS promises, GOD doesn't lie. No matter what is giving you anxiety in your life, GOD is bigger than it.  Just get in the Word to find the comfort, wisdom, and peace for your problem and you will find it. There is NO problem in this life that we will encounter that isn't found in the Word of GOD. Seek him and you will find peace in place of that anxiety, worry and the "what if's" of this life.

     I had the privilege this week to attend an event back in KC with my high school friend Rafael Filion for the American cancer Society at the Midland Theater hosted by KC's favorite weather man Gary Lezak. It was a wonderful event that raised not only LOTS of money for the Hope Lodge in KC, but also awareness. Over 30 people not only made a commitment to help raise funds, but also to allow someone to shave their head. I was amazed at the number of ladies that participated, many with hair down their backs. It is a HUGE sacrifice to lose your hair and I HATED every minute of it going through chemotherapy, so I slipped them all the wig shops number. WINK! No, but I did tell some of them what a huge sacrifice it was to do this, for the men as well I know ( just not like the ladies). Thanks Rafael for including me, it was the kick off to the "I have knocked out cancer" bash I am throwing for the next 50 years!!!!!
   Since then, I have spoken to the financial counselor at St. Johns in Springfield about doing an event in Springfield. I would LOVE to be a part of that. AWESOME! Anyway, Springfield does not have a Hope Lodge it only has a hospitality house with limited space. So, an event like this annually could really raise some money to help achieve that goal. St. Johns has been awesome in assisting me with fuel cards to go to treatment each day, gas is sooo high and 50 mile trips one way are very pricey. So, I feel I have been blessed by the generosity of others and hope to only pass that on in some way, hopefully I find that fit when I am done with treatment.
   Radiation is going well, I am getting a tan, 20 treatments left and then DONE!!! Well, except for my five year date with Tamox or other hormone binding drug. I am stoked. Please continue to pray for me throughout this last leg, each one seems to have it's own set of issues. I am blessed and favored beyond all of my dreams. I have a wonderful family, beautiful, healthy children and GOD is soooo GOOD:)

   

Radiation vs. Radioactive

                                                      Happy Birthday D, we love you !
  
         Radiation has been nothing short of a cake walk compared to surgery and chemo, but it is time consuming with the drive to and from. I have completed seven treatments so far, only 26 left. UGH!!!! It is going well, very uneventful so to speak. I almost didn't blog this week because not much is going on with the treatments. I haven't gotten red, had any flesh falling or peeling off, or become radioactive. Dakota did have to ask though, this coming from the boy that does believe that there is life out there and wants to visit area 51. LOL! HUGE imagination that one:) Since radiation, except for the travel, has been so boring I have started to gamble, well sort of. I am buying a lottery ticket each day to count down the days and possible recoop some gas money. It does give me a little RUSH to scratch and see if I am a winner. He He! Not exactly christian I know, but give a girl a break:)
      I haven't really shared the fact that through this journey I have had a few times that I FREAKED OUT,  because I thought I had a local recurrence on my scar line. IF breast cancer comes back it sometimes returns in or around the scar line and looks like a pimple or rash. I have had two heat rashes and recently developed a raised area along the scar after radiation started. I once again FREAKED. I went immediately to the radiation oncologist and had him look at it and he said....Definitely NOT cancer, just a ridge from the skin stretching and the radiation itself. I was once again relieved. Having cancer is HARD but living each day inspecting yourself for any lumps, bumps, or pimples SUCKS! I will always be vigilant when it comes to checking my self out and following up with the doctor but it doesn't make it SUCK any less. As I said today, I was born at a designated time and also have a designated time to die. No amount of worry or wondering how or when is going to change it. So instead I am going to live a healthy, FULL, rewarding life and thank God each day. Living for today and not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself. God has it covered, and I put ALL my faith and trust in him and his plan for me.
      Until next time, peace out peeps.....but I will leave you with a verse, one of my favs, and a song. God bless you and please continue to pray for me though this journey.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Casting Crowns.....Who am I?   http://youtu.be/VU_rTX23V7Q

One Day You Will:)

     This last month has been a whirl wind that included trip after trip to the city for expansion, expansion, expansion. I am AMAZED at how much my skin has stretched soooooo......AMAZING!!!! I am soooo happy. Dr. Rast has asked me with every expansion "Have you tried on any bras?". The answer was always no, no, no. I, quite frankly, was too tired, sore, and poor to think about a bra purchase. So, each week I kept saying.....BIGGER, BIGGER, BIGGER....and now I am thinking WHOA! What the heck happened in my shirt? LOL! I am sure when the tissue expanders get exchanged for the implants they will not be so prominent but now they are WOW. Radiation also kind of has a tendency to shrink the skin and make it less pliable so I am glad I over expanded but for now kinda think these make me look well....cartoon like:( LOL! I do not know how Dolly does it, but she MUST fall into bed at night and say AHHHHH, that's better.

   For those that are curious what the expansion process looks like....well.....imagine going from flat as a ironing board as I was in this photo below after mastectomy and again now after expansion. WOW, what a difference a month makes..

 It was HUGELY painful!!!! Thank you Miss.Valium for your relief of the muscle spasms, YOU ROCK!!!!!!! The x is just a marking spot until the expander settles, it will be tattooed also like the other 3 spots on my ivory body. They are tiny, but still I hated to get them. They are small though compared to the scars across each breast as you can see in the photo....they will fade with time and silicone scar tape, but still are there to remind me of the road I have been on FOREVER! And you know what.....that's okay. It has made me STRONG!!!!!

     Anyway....now on to rads that take me to and fro everyday Monday through Friday to Springfield from Lebanon. You are also SUCKY! Your buzzing GIANT machines whirling around me with your bright red lights crossing my chest and arm pit like an intersection....YOU SUCK! You, however, are also one of the tools that God is using to heal my body from the dreaded breast cancer that tried to steal my life. Thank you!!!!!!!! Thank you to all the sweet techs that give me heated blankets as I lay on that hard table with arms above my head, my head that is cocked to the side to keep my throat from getting sore from the radiation and wedge under my knees, feet strapped down. UGH!!!! Oh and don't forget to use gated breathing as the x-rays and treatments are done so you have even less lung exposure. I am on day 2 of 33 treatments that should end on or around my 36th birthday depending on skin integrity, weather conditions, acts of God and anything else that might keep me from getting to the Cashew Chicken Capital of the WORLD:) BTW, 35 year old single mothers of three children should NOT get cancer!!!!!!!

  

     Dear God,  Again I come to you with a thankful heart that only longs to edify and serve you. I hope that this experience that the satan meant for harm, you turn for good in me for you, myself and for my children. I want to raise them and see my grandchildren someday. Please let my story, my experience...painful, happy, sad, crazy experience help some one else, some where, some day.:)To you be ALL of the Praise and Glory.  AMEN!

This song was given to me by a friend and it has been an encouragement through this journey.....some days were and still are rough but I know that "One Day I Will" :)  Love you Kimmy:)

http://youtu.be/EY2Yct8LjOo