Heather's knocking out cancer: July 2011

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I am not who I was

    Well, this weekend is THE weekend one year ago that my life began to spin out of control. Last year about this exact time the pathology report was returned and my surgeon called me on Saturday morning and said "Heather, are you sitting down?". I replied "No, do I need to be?". He said "Yes, Heather, it was cancer." My whole world shattered into a million pieces and I was along with my family and friends devastated. How could someone so young have breast cancer? How could someone that just had a baby and was still breast feeding him have breast cancer? How could a mother of two other children have cancer? Was there any justice in this world ? WHY? Why God, why me? I know sounds a little melodramatic but these are the thoughts that raced through my head that day. I had no idea how much cancer could steal from me, nor did I know that day just how much it would GIVE ME. Cancer was a gift. What Satan meant for harm, God has turned into something GREAT in me. I am NOT perfect and as late as yesterday evening was reminded of that by someone I used to know and love, but I am NOT who I once was. I will hold myself to a standard of Grace, not perfection, not anymore anyway.
   Cancer was a turning point in my life that on that day I never anticipated. I knew I was going to have to endure physical things that I had NEVER wanted to face like surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and much much more. What I didn't know is how going through those things would change, sharpen and heal the parts of me that were not physically broken by cancer, but by life. I am exactly like you, a human. I was flawed and jaded by a life of bad choices of my own and of others that had caused me to carry lots of baggage, burden and unforgiveness. I needed to change. I needed to be shook up. I needed God and him alone. No one else could help me, HE was all I had and what I didn't realize before cancer was that HE was ALL I EVER needed.  Although, I often wondered at times going through this if He weren't in heaven going...."Is it her again?". I am still high maintenance even for GOD, but he knew it when He made me. Now He is just channeling it for his purpose. Praise GOD!!!!
Dependence on God was never my strong suite, even when I wasn't running about the wilderness and I was what I thought was serving God, I was really just testing the waters. I would take God out when I needed Him, when I was in trouble, when I was hurt, when someone else hurt me but when I began to FEEL better I put him away again until the next time I NEEDED Him. This time I needed him for EVERYTHING! Just as I had before cancer, but I was too silly to realize. Total dependence on God is like for a type A personality like going for a root canal everyday of your life. Again, I know melodramatic!!! But for me that was the case. I wanted to control ever situation, every person, place and thing. I thought of others that actually were enjoying there life as slackers....why didn't they worry about there yard not being mowed every weekend. WOW....what a miserable person I must have been to be around. I pray to GOD that the people I have hurt or offended by the way I was will forgive me. So, where did God fit in a life like that when I was the RULER of everything and everyone in my life? Not really anywhere unless of course I needed Him.
   I have drawn close to God throughout this last year, I don't just take Him out when I need Him. He is the center of my life. He is my everything! I still fight daily the type A mentality, but know that I cannot even take a breath without Him. He is in control, He is the KING of KINGS. He is my best friend, He goes with me to every dr's appt, every treatment, every day every minute I long to serve Him and edify Him in some way. I notice my self using phrases like" I am not going to worry about it" and "God's got this". Total dependence on God has given me freedom to enjoy my life, not sweating the small stuff. Not worrying or wondering about this or that....life or death even. My fear of death has been overcome. I know HIS death on the cross gave me victory over my sins, my disease, and death. I no longer fear, I am full of faith, hope and promise. ALL because of HIM and what He did for me that "Six hours one Friday"- GREAT BOOK by Max Lucado. And for that I am eternally grateful.
   My relationship with Christ is the CENTER of my life and world. Brett, my family, my doctors, nurses and friends have been AWESOME throughout this journey and I know that they each were placed there for me at each moment through this journey. I hope that my relationship with God shows each of them what God can do when you, give it to Him. I mean GIVE IT ALL, ALL, ALL to Him. I love you all. You are all my angels here on earth, MUAH!!!!

I am not who I was......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY&feature=share

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Fearfully and Wonderfully MADE!!!!

I have been wrestling with many things throughout my cancer journey and I feel that I needed to have resolution and an ending to them. The first has been the distance between my daughter and I....physical distance, we talk at least 5 x a day and text more than that. She is almost 17 and has lived in Lebanon off and on since I moved to KC in November of 2009. It has taken a GREAT toll on me daily to be away from my first born, only daughter. She likes to"visit" the city, but is a country girl through and through. I have carried guilt over the divorce, the separation from her on a daily basis for a while now. She is very mature and headstrong and with the help of my ex-husbands family and my own she has managed very well but as a mother.....there is guilt, worry and a emptiness that filled my soul. It was a choice that she made...some might say she shouldn't have had the choice and maybe she shouldn't have. I moved to Lebanon when I was a sophomore and know how hard it is to leave everything you know, but after her wreck last fall and a subsequent wreck last month I have just about been bonkers. I want her with me.

I moved back to Lebanon a few months ago one to be closer to my family during my last leg of treatments and LOVED being with my family and friends there but struggled to find work. I was also running from....not sure....Brett, cancer maybe both? Brett and I are not unlike every other couple in the world we have had ups and downs...with two divorces, a baby, cancer. We have been through it ALL. Another thing I have struggled with...having a baby and not being married to Brett....feeling like a hypocrite, a phony. My life, my heart is supposed to be a living testimony to Christ and all that he has brought me through not tainted by the fact that I was living in sin. I had it all going on...cancer, guilt from the Sierra situation, guilt from the Brett situation....condemnation at every turn. The devil and my sin have been dragging me down for months.

Fast forward to now.... Sierra is on the fence about where she wants to stay...she has the summer to figure it out. She is working in Lebanon at a dress shop downtown and is waiting for her car to get repaired from the last fender bender. The boys are great and everything seems to be coming together....PRAISE GOD! I have recently read a book about remarriage, the authors have endured a path much like Brett and I, only they didn't have cancer in the mix. Thank YOU, Marilyn Courtney for caring enough for me and Brett to share these books and counsel us in some of our darkest times. I cannot wait to see you this Sunday at Northland Cathedral:) You are one of my BEST FRIENDS, I love you!!!!!

I have been done with rads for about a month now and had my post rads visit to Dr. Rast. He says we are looking good, added another 50 cc's on rads side due to skin shrinkage from rads. I don't go back for 8 months and exchange is in a year. I am looking forward to coming back to the KC Cancer Center with Dr. Sheehan and NP Jennifer Bingham, they ROCK! Started taking my Femara each nite before bed, no terrible side effects as of late but am still feeling very stiff from the estrogen suppression. I am also still struggling with my diet and making the changes that make my body run to optimum level and coincide with trying to suppress all estrogen. Shout out to Fara Rose...health care extraordinaire, for working on some diet changes for me to get me back on track. Thank you sooo much, I hope to see you this week:)