"Team PINK 2011"

       It is bad to say that I am soooooo ready to close this year out and begin fresh in 2011?  I will never forget what I have been through or where I am from, but I am ready for a rebirth :) I visited "home" a week ago and I felt like it was no longer my "home". I love visiting my family and friends, but this is my home. Somehow that seems bittersweet for me, I always felt that Lebanon was my safe place. I have family and friends there that love me, as I do here now, but people that have known me and been there for me for many years. That has not changed and then there is my beautiful but stubborn daughter that insists that she MUST graduate from Conway high school, UGH! I know that if she were here everyday, despite the normal mother-daughter battles my life would feel complete, there is always something missing now :(  I felt as though I was living the Miranda Lambert song The house that built me.....I was very sad.
     I arrived back home with a sense of relief and safety, although I grew up in Kansas City I guess until last week it wasn't my home. I have said many times that home is a person and not a place and that I still believe wholeheartedly. With all this being said, I felt as I drove home that I had lost something, that I wasn't the same girl that I knew in Lebanon, yet I am not the same woman I was when I moved here a few years back, I cried.
     Cancer has changed the person I am and whether I want to admit it or deal with it, it is true. It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time, it has done some good and bad so I can't say that it is all bad that I got cancer. I can say that what Satan meant for harm God has turned into something good. He has drawn me near to him and caused people that I depended on in the past to be scarce after I got sick and that is okay, it was also all part of his plan. I would have continued to depend on PEOPLE to get me through this and they would have failed me. That is what we as humans do, we are imperfect. I am not the girl I used to be and I am not the woman I thought I was and that is okay too. The new dilemma is.......who am I now?
    God has always throughout my life been my rock and he will always be, whenever there has been turmoil or storms I always turn to him for help. So, now he is just going to have to show me the kind of woman that he wants me to be and mold me into that. I am looking forward to my rebirth and all the things God has in store for me. He has taken me to a place throughout my mess that has left me totally dependant on him and now he is preparing me for what he has in store for me. I am not sure what that is and for me that is scary, but I have trusted in him thus far and I know that his plans and his ways are far better than mine.
     Welcome 2011, whatever it is you have in store!!!!!

Merry CHRISTMAS !!!!!

       The stockings are hung on the chimney with care in hopes that St.Nick will visit our "Merry Christmas Tree". Colt loves the "Merry Christmas Tree" so much so even at the mention of the words" Merry Christmas" he searches for the 9 foot fir.  Christmastime is here and it is always a very special time for me and my children, this year will be no different, DESPITE CANCER.  I believe that the traditions that we ingrain in our children will hopefully be passed on generation to generation. I know that the traditions my parents shared with my brother and I are still carried out in the lives of our children and with the blending of two families traditions, we have A LOT to accomplish this year. It is such an exciting time with Colt learning to walk and Dakota up to his usual antics and Sierra adopting every pet west of the Mississippi. We are focused on giving the kids a "good" Christmas, but more than that we are sharing the love of family and of Christ.
    We will be baking baby Jesus a birthday cake, reading the story of the birth of Christ and ensuring that the kids realize that Christmas isn't about Santa or gifts. It is about Christ and how his life and death was the greatest gift of all. In this house it is MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy holidays!!!
   On a different note all together, I have had 2 of the 12 doses of Taxol and now only 10 left. YEAH!!!! I didn't have any allergic type reactions with the infusions and this time my pre-treatment steroids were eliminated and the infusion steroids were reduced from 10 mg to 4 mg, so no moon face hopefully :) Although tonight I have some mild itching around my eyes but I am unsure if it has any connection. At this point I am just monitoring. Please pray that it resolves itself.
     I also have had some moderate bone pain after treatment and continued fatigue but by far so much better than A/C. My white blood counts are still hovering at 3 and 4, still not great and I am low on the reds too, started some iron pills this week. Please pray that my platelets, red cells and my tanking white counts continue to improve, despite this dreadful chemo. Until the next time.....MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your family and my God bless you and yours:)

To God be the glory........:)

       Today is day 3 of my first round of Taxol, I will be getting twelve weekly and I am still feeling fine. Yeah!! I do have a slight sore throat and a start of a sore on my tongue due to a filling that cracked two weeks ago and started the whole sore mouth deal. I can't visit the dentist while on chemo so I have used some temp filling and I am hoping it holds this time. I have had no nausea and fatigue or bone pain so far, PRAISE GOD!!!! I have felt like my old self for over a week, no treatment last week and now the effects of the Taxol make me wonder if I am getting a placebo:)
    I have an oncologist appointment today and a relaxing weekend planned with family and friends. I have seen the light at the end of this tunnel and I am LOVING what I see. God has been so good to me and as I have said many times before he has carried me through every treatment, every surgery, every crazy moment. Thank you Jesus to you all the glory.

He is making ALL things NEW:)

       Can I just say there is NO greater feeling in the world than feeling healthy, other than being healthy!!!! I had never felt sick before my diagnosis and even with all the surgeries had not been ill, despite having breast cancer. Who knew something that was trying to kill you could be so sneaky and painless? Well,  I had a week off of chemo this week and my body, mind and spirit needed it BAD!!!! I, once again, had a hard time rebounding from the last A/C treatment two and a half weeks ago, as the side effects were terrible and the cumulative fatigue was worse. I developed mouth sores that were on each underside of my tongue, I could not eat anything and barely drank for 5 days, nothing like the chemo diet to make you lose 13 lbs in a month. I am at a good weight for me but chemo is not the time to diet. I can say that the mouth sores have been the most excruciating part of this process, losing the ability to talk, eat or drink was awful, some around here may have enjoyed a little peace and quiet, LOL!!!!
     I am on the mend and am feeling great. PRAISE GOD!!!!  The news of Elizabeth Edwards was hard for me to watch last night and I began to cry when I thought of her children and how they will face the world without their mother, it does scare me. I know that God has a plan for my life and that I will come through this victorious but there are days and moments that doubts creep in and for that I feel ashamed. I feel like I am not trusting God or I am doubting his promises. I don't know if that is natural or I am just trying to be super human or super christian but I do know that it goes away as fast as I pray or read his word. This is a journey with not many highs and LOTS of lows. I have experienced so many I can hardly count, but one thing has stayed true throughout it all....God. He is my ALL, my EVERYTHING, without him I can do nothing. I have given my life to him, CANCER and ALL and he is making all things NEW in me. I can see things in my life that were so important becoming so much less significant and so many things that I have taken for granted becoming so monumental.
     I challenge you today to ask God to show you, as he is me, the things that are important and the things that are not so important that we spend so much of our time focusing on. He will reveal these things to you and when he does it makes things so much more clear and gives one a NEW lease on life, as it has for me:)