One Day You Will:)

     This last month has been a whirl wind that included trip after trip to the city for expansion, expansion, expansion. I am AMAZED at how much my skin has stretched soooooo......AMAZING!!!! I am soooo happy. Dr. Rast has asked me with every expansion "Have you tried on any bras?". The answer was always no, no, no. I, quite frankly, was too tired, sore, and poor to think about a bra purchase. So, each week I kept saying.....BIGGER, BIGGER, BIGGER....and now I am thinking WHOA! What the heck happened in my shirt? LOL! I am sure when the tissue expanders get exchanged for the implants they will not be so prominent but now they are WOW. Radiation also kind of has a tendency to shrink the skin and make it less pliable so I am glad I over expanded but for now kinda think these make me look well....cartoon like:( LOL! I do not know how Dolly does it, but she MUST fall into bed at night and say AHHHHH, that's better.

   For those that are curious what the expansion process looks like....well.....imagine going from flat as a ironing board as I was in this photo below after mastectomy and again now after expansion. WOW, what a difference a month makes..

 It was HUGELY painful!!!! Thank you Miss.Valium for your relief of the muscle spasms, YOU ROCK!!!!!!! The x is just a marking spot until the expander settles, it will be tattooed also like the other 3 spots on my ivory body. They are tiny, but still I hated to get them. They are small though compared to the scars across each breast as you can see in the photo....they will fade with time and silicone scar tape, but still are there to remind me of the road I have been on FOREVER! And you know what.....that's okay. It has made me STRONG!!!!!

     Anyway....now on to rads that take me to and fro everyday Monday through Friday to Springfield from Lebanon. You are also SUCKY! Your buzzing GIANT machines whirling around me with your bright red lights crossing my chest and arm pit like an intersection....YOU SUCK! You, however, are also one of the tools that God is using to heal my body from the dreaded breast cancer that tried to steal my life. Thank you!!!!!!!! Thank you to all the sweet techs that give me heated blankets as I lay on that hard table with arms above my head, my head that is cocked to the side to keep my throat from getting sore from the radiation and wedge under my knees, feet strapped down. UGH!!!! Oh and don't forget to use gated breathing as the x-rays and treatments are done so you have even less lung exposure. I am on day 2 of 33 treatments that should end on or around my 36th birthday depending on skin integrity, weather conditions, acts of God and anything else that might keep me from getting to the Cashew Chicken Capital of the WORLD:) BTW, 35 year old single mothers of three children should NOT get cancer!!!!!!!

  

     Dear God,  Again I come to you with a thankful heart that only longs to edify and serve you. I hope that this experience that the satan meant for harm, you turn for good in me for you, myself and for my children. I want to raise them and see my grandchildren someday. Please let my story, my experience...painful, happy, sad, crazy experience help some one else, some where, some day.:)To you be ALL of the Praise and Glory.  AMEN!

This song was given to me by a friend and it has been an encouragement through this journey.....some days were and still are rough but I know that "One Day I Will" :)  Love you Kimmy:)

http://youtu.be/EY2Yct8LjOo

Guard my heart Lord.

  
         This week has been filled again with much travel beginning with Tuesday's trip back to KC for another fill of 75 ccs, for a GRAND total of 625. We are there:) Maybe another 50 or 100 post radiation to give us a cushion if there is any capsular contacture. I was blessed to have an old friend come with me on the drive and also grab a quick lunch with a old/new friend.  Today began early also with a trip to Springfield to get my radiation simulation, that included a cat scan which to date I had never had. It was not diagnostic but still gives me the creeps:( Anyway, it was painless and although uncomfortable because of the most recent fill, somewhat emotional due to JUST LIFE. But I did make it though and am better for it....just like every other step in this hellish journey that is cancer.
    I haven't really taken the time to think about the losses that I have experienced over the last few months. I asked God to help me and I believe he has disconnected the "dwell...waller in it....and the reflect" button and I am thankful, but today as I lay in the machine I think that this is the first time that I am really doing this "alone". I know I have my kids and my parents but I don't have "my person" and the tears began to roll. God is "my person" and always has been but some days you just need someone with flesh on them....today was one of those days. The start of turkey season was one of those days, that was supposed to be our time. I know that leaving was for the best and the only solution but I still miss my old life. You can't truly love someone and just turn the feelings off like a faucet, I can't anyway. I love the idea of belonging to someone. Today I felt alone, scared and unloved, and then I thought back and realized that I felt that same way before too, only there was someone sitting right beside me. So, I guess sometimes staying is worse than leaving.


"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Don’t let your mouth speak dishonestly, and don’t let your lips talk deviously. Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil." Proverbs 4:23-27

Rads, Rogue cells, and Rambo:)

                                              This is what we think about CANCER!!!!

    As this journey takes another step out of the dark side and into the LIGHT, I find my self plagued with another challenge and obstacle. RADIATION !!! Not only am I afraid of the huge machine and cat scan I have to get done on Wednesday and the start up of radiation next Monday, I also hate the possible side effects of the radiation including another possible cancer.... just like the chemo I had can also cause non- Hodgkin's lymphoma or leukemia. It has to be done, just like the chemo and the benefits outweigh the risks by far. The possible heart and lung complications are real, but like with the RED DEVIL chemotherapy it would most likely show up 20 years from now, when I personally believe Jesus Christ himself will have returned to take me to heaven with him and all the other sinners turned saints by then so..... I am not worried about the side effects, I just hate that there are any.
    Cancer has changed my life in many ways impacting everything to the food that I eat, most of these changes needed to happen to keep me heart healthy and to maintain my weight. I am also trying to reduce stress and exercise more, both as of late have evaded me. Anytime there is a break up or move it is stressful and in the midst of cancer treatment it is HORRIBLE. I have switched all of my oncologists here and will have one more fill prior to radiation in KC. I HATE CHANGE and new people especially when I have had THE BEST of the BEST at the Kansas City Cancer Center North,  St. Lukes Northland Hospital and BEST PLASTICS doctor at Associated Plastic Surgeons in Overland Park. The new radiation doctor hails from Kansas and is wonderful but I am just dreading another regimen that lasts 33 business days and finishes on my 36th birthday. I HATE CANCER!
    I have been out of church for some weeks and can tell in my spirit that I NEED church. I need the Word of God to sustain me through these next few weeks. I feel as though I know why I am avoiding church and God right now and it is because I am hurt and angry that things didn't work out in my relationship. I can't be hurt, angry and living in the past once I take it to God and ask him to help. I am ashamed I have been holding on to this for this many days. I KNOW what God has done for me and I KNOW how he held my head up as I fought this disease and I KNOW that he is protecting me and guiding my steps even if right now I am in pain and hurting. He knows the future, not I. I asked him for help and guidance and he gave it to me, now I just need to accept it and go on living life instead of wondering why and what if this or that? For HE knows the plans....not I.
    Back to radiation....for those that don't know radiation will kill any rouge cells that may still be on or around the tumor site and where the positive lymph nodes were found. I will have 28 regular treatments and 5 boosts to the tumor and incision site to reduce chances of a local recurrence to 9 % rather than 25-33%. So, it is a no brainer. I am, however, going to be traveling 50 miles each way to Springfield each day for treatment. It only takes about 2 or 3 minutes and undressing takes longer, but WOW...what a drive. It is also a huge expense with gas prices so high and most recently my car had broken down....well the wheel anyway. I had a ball joint, tyrod thingy break, so more expense. Anyway, I have a very supportive family and group of incredible friends that have seen me though. I love you all:) Please continue to pray for me as I embark on another step in this ladder to freedom and survivorship. I will be taking on this challenge like the last.....as RAMBO:)

My cup runneth over....literally!!!!

   Well, my cup is literally running over and I am PRAYING that goodness and mercy is coming because this year has been rough. I have been filled to 550ccs today after an additional 75 was added today. I was hoping for 100ccs but GLAD we stuck with 75, because tonight I am in PAIN! UGH! Problem is we are STILL not at 600 or 650 and I am to start rads possibly as early as next week, which means he wants me to return to KC on Friday. I am unsure of how I will swing that and if I really want to, UGH! Also I have had drs appts, dentist with the kids, and my appts everyday this week and two more BEFORE Friday. Maybe I will make a road trip with one of my besties I haven't seen in a while and connect with some old friends while we are there. I think she and I need a girls only weekend. Oh...I forgot....it is ALWAYS girls only weekends around here now...well besides the my two main men:)
    But for tonight bring me the Valium, I need one I think. Dr Rast says they are crucial to success as they alleviate the muscle spasms. They are severe as they are NOT wanting to stretch anymore and truthfully I am feeling like the girls are under my arms and meeting in the middle. I have only taken it right after surgery and maybe once after the 100cc fill but as the implant gets larger it is having a harder time stretching thus the PAIN!!!! They are like ROCKS, I said coconuts before but I meant ROCKS! Dr. Rast also informed me that exchange should be as far from rads as possible even up to a year. A YEAR with these things...these ROCKS? WOW...not sure if I can do that, but skins integrity starts to improve the farther from rads as we go. He did, however, tell me that I am a D cup which makes me happy since after mastectomy I NEVER thought I would be more than an A. Thank you God for the new found womanhood. I hope I am not getting carried away. Please forgive me I have had boob envy for a while:)

Who is the new lady?

     My kids been the light at the end of the LONG, dark tunnel that is cancer. I feel so sad that they have had to see me go through all of the ups and downs of this disease. They have been impacted in many ways I feel some are positive but many are not. My 16 year old daughter has missed more than her share of school days for surgeries and support through this journey. My 9 year old has seen me cry, lose my hair and my breasts, which no 9 year old should have to see. My baby boy had to be weaned in 3 days prior to the mastectomy. I have worn 6 wigs now and I know he has to wonder which one of us is going to show up each morning. I feel like I haven't been the SUPERMOM that I was with my other two when they were small. I have been just trying to SURVIVE:)
  This isn't a sad, down in the dumps update. This is, however, a wake up call to all those who are supporting someone fighting cancer as well as the person fighting...cancer affects and impacts your ENTIRE family. Good and bad, it changes things. Maybe that is what happened in my recent relationship...I can't say. It is stressful and HARD. It can be dealt with with courage, dignity and grace and I feel like I have done that. I know the bald images of me with no eyebrows or lashes are hard to take for my family and loved ones as well as my self to see. I chose to show them for many reasons, one to show others that cancer isn't just for old people it affects young healthy moms. I also wanted to inspire others to fight this disease and WIN. Lastly I wanted others to see that MY GOD is still alive and working, healing, changing outcomes for us today.....not just in the old testament, BUT TODAY! Despite our circumstance or situation, he has a plan, one of which, I would like him to share with ME sooner than later:) Praise you God, to you be all the glory.
   Anyway, my kids are my life and will always be no matter what else changes. I was born to be a mother and for that I am so proud, being a mom is the greatest accomplishment of my life. On that note, I am going to take my little shorty to a meet and greet visit at a daycare tomorrow morning. It will be the first time he has stayed with someone besides family and I am a little nervous. Please pray that this is a perfect fit and so I will be able to go to work without worry. Dakota misses his school in KC but loves being back in town with family. Sierra loves mommy doing her laundry and making her dinner but she doesn't like the supervision or the INVOLVEMENT in her life that much. That is okay though, that is what a MOMMY is supposed to do.
    This week I have an appointment everyday but Friday and two days I have 2 and 3 appointments each. I am coming to KC Tuesday for my last fill. Last week I only got 50 because I knew I was moving and was afraid I couldn't get things done. I am up to 475 ccs now and Tuesday I will get another 100 to put me at 575. I want to exchange to 600 or 650 so, we have to keep pumping these things up. Right now they are almost to my collar bones..UGH! Hate that, they won't be like that after exchange but for swimsuit season it is a little weird. I did try on some of my old suits and although I can see my scar under my armpit on the left side, I should be able to still wear them. If I lose the last few pounds chemo packed on that is! I was worried about the top of my swim suit...I think it is the bottom half I should be concentrating on:)  It has been so hard and I haven't been over eating at all, in fact I have been as of late eating very little but the chemopause and the ROIDS have me REALLY jacked up. I start back on my elliptical tomorrow after I get it in from the garage. I will be starting radiation within the next two weeks also, so please....say a little prayer for me.

Afro's are still "in", right?

   Well it is official... for YEARS saying I wish I was black because I would always be tan and have a new hair do every day with wigs and weaves, I now have the start of what seems to be an Afro. Please do not write me and say that is racist cuz I am TOTALLY serious. My motto in my twenties was you can never be too thin or too tan....and hair has always been my "thing". So...no racism here. I hated losing my hair during chemo, probably one of the most dehumanizing things about the cancer...well and the whole no boobs thing. BUT...it gave me the opportunity to have a different hair do every day if I wanted. I have had five wigs and loved them all. I am still wearing them in fact because my hair is about 3/4 inches long and although has been manicured and colored it is still just too short for me, I feel anyway. But after moving today in 90 degree weather I have to ask...when should I debut the new do...I mean Afro? It is VERY wavy, not kinky or a TRUE Afro but coming from a girl with stick straight hair this gray, wavy mix was a HUGE slap in the face after having cancer.
     In fact, after cancer I think you should never have to worry about a recurrence and should wake up everyday looking like Carmen Electra and feeling like Wonder woman, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works. I am thankful and grateful for waking up at all after cancer and I am more aware than ever that everyday is a precious and a gift from God. I just wish that sometimes I could go back to the old H....:( The one that could hold her baby on her hip for hours without pain from the new equipment. The old Heather that could go and go and go without tiring. The old Heather that had confidence in her self and knew that any criticism was just others insecurities and not her own, knowing that cancer didn't make me "damaged goods". Ohhhh...pitty party.... OVER....Cancer gave me a new lease on life and I am just in a rough patch and this too shall pass. RIGHT? Yes of course:) God did not give me his word that this would be my testimony to share with others only to leave me with some lack luster life. ALL things in ABUNDANCE. That is what I am seeking. In fact I am being very specific with God about my needs and desires. I know that the Bible says ask and you shall receive....well I am asking and going to receive.
  Dear God, please give me a long and full life filled with my children and lots of happiness serving others and you. If it is your will for me to have a husband then send me one....I loved being married. I am a good wife and deserve a good husband. I also would like a new car as mine has 186,000 miles on it and now needs a new tyrod end, whatever that means but gotta fix that tomorrow too. I would like a new Tahoe or Suburban to carry all of my kiddos around, preferably in black. I also would like to find a job when I get settled that helps other and fulfills me as much as just being a mom, as right now I NEED to work. Also Jesus, I REALLY need some clarification on the tattoo verse in Leviticus...cuz I REALLY want one and have never had one before in all of my 35 years. It is a Bible verse and I would like to know about that one sooner than later cuz I am kinda in KC now and will be going home soon and would like to get it while I am here. BTW, please forgive me for all of the thoughts, actions and words I have been passing around over the last few weeks, I am ashamed, but God....you know he knows what buttons to push, and I'm sure he would say the same of me. Anyway...I am still so immature in you. I make the right decisions more than 75 percent of the time but there are those times when pushed in a corner that I fall and when I do it is usually BIG. Forgive me and help me be a better person that I might be an example of what to do instead of what NOT to do. Amen.
    On a lighter note...I have had 2 more fills since surgery. One of 25ccs the week after waking up from surgery with 300 and then last week I had another 100ccs for a grand total of 425ccs on my way to 550cc or 600. I am shooting for a 650 implant with exchange this fall after my skin heals from radiation. I have to say at this point they are doing the job stretching the skin but hardly look like the final reveal. I referred to them as hamburger buns and Dr. Rast said "I have never heard them called that, UNTIL TODAY". LOL! I have one of the BEST plastic surgeons in KC Dr.Rast at Associated Plastic Surgeons. He is the BOMB! I go back on Tuesday for another fill and I have an appointment to get my Leupron injection while I am here. I have transferred all of my dr's to southwest Mo where I am moving, due to the family support I have there in my mom and grandma. I will however have a few more appts up here in the upcoming weeks and then after rads the exchange surgery from IRON BRA to squishy boobies:) I can't wait. Again, thank you all for your love and support and thank you Jesus Christ my Strong tower, teach me to look to you for shelter from the storms of life.


Strong tower by Kutless.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45y3gX2szKg