Wow, what a difference a month or two make.....time heals all wounds. I believe that is partially true, but God has helped me heal a great deal almost overnight because I BEGGED him to. No, seriously I did at one point I didn't think I was gonna make it my heart hurt so badly. Broken hearts are God's specialty and I needed a lot of healing. I won't go into where I was in my life, but it was a dead end. The end.
I have always loved romantic movies and I longed for my life to be a fairytale, like in the Notebook. What a crock of crap that movie is right? I know, it is one of my favorites. But I did believe that "Love" was everything, having that "so in love feeling" was pretty high on my priority list. I did love the idea of being in love for sure, but more than that I was co dependant. UGH! Did I say that out loud? Yep, I am Heather and for 36 years, I have been in love with being " in love". I watched Celebrity Rehab and have only identified with one celeb...Yep, Rachel Uchitel , the laughing stock of the rehab center. Rachel was also addicted to
"LOVE" and we all know where that got her and Tiger Woods. My story kinda similar, but without the money.
Anyway, I had to face the fact that this was where I was and where did I go from there? I started back to the beginning....everything begins in HIM. Yep, my best friend JESUS. I asked him to help me, guide me, love me, provide for me....anything I needed I asked Him for. He has been providing all of my needs and growing me up super fast. I have been a baby christian most of my life....what about me....look at me.... help me!!! ME, ME, ME!!! WOW, I know He knows my frame and that I am just dust, but WOW! I know He shakes His head at me several times a day just like my earthly father does. I have to give Him props for saving, sabotaging, thwarting, blowing up any potential problem I cause or get into. I don't remember having this much grace provided to me or maybe I just was to immature to see the plan. He has swiped away many of the things that I thought I NEEDED to feel secure. Money for instance, gone.....How much do you trust me Heather? WOW....that one was TOUGH! But in that I am learning that if I am unable to trust him for this or that and have to figure something out apart from Him I am really not trusting His plan or Him at all!!!! See, I am growing up! Not sure if I have made it to the two year old room but I am on my way:)
I have been struggling with a mission statement and content for my Team Pink Princess website. I know that I am still impacting other survivors each day in my job, church, facebook but I really wanted to start my own outreach through the website. I wanted it to have links to events, workshops, products and be filled with followers that were dealing with the same issues. I can only tell you my vision was for a "ROCK STAR" line of merchandise for breast cancer survivors and supporters. This was NOT going to be your grandma's breast cancer site. There are so many young women facing this disease and the challenges of it. I wanted to EMPOWER them! I still do but never came up with THE PERFECT mission, business plan and or website content. I am still pursuing it just not hard core. It is still coming soon.
But since settling into my new job which I absolutely LOVE, I reconnected with my friend, confidant, and life coach, Mrs.Vicky Adkins. She is a beautiful christian that has a testimony that will knock your socks off. She also sings like an angel which I seem to forget because she is so full of GOD that I just soak her up like a sponge and never ask her to sing for me. She and I had a chance meeting last year and have kept in touch off and on, but the first meeting I has with her changed my life forever. The words she spoke into my life that day was a turning point. But like everything in the world that is HEATHER it took me almost another 6 months to figure it out. Again Jesus with the eye roll:) She said that God told her to be so transparent about her life, past, future, feelings, everything, that when people saw her they would only see HIM. WOW, that was amazing! I am the first born, daddy's little girl, center of the universe girl. How could someone change the way they look, dress, talk, walk, everything to be so transparent people would only see GOD? How would that work?
Well, I will be the first to tell you that it doesn't come easy but after learning just a year prior through cancer and it's superficial train robbery of my womanhood it was easier than I thought. It is a gradual progression. I had been hit below the belt when cancer knocked on my door. Everything I viewed as beautiful was ripped away. I was bald, flat chested and bloated from the steroids. I was outwardly ugly in my book but inside I had changed so much I was so caught up in God and stronger than ever before. But still transparent? I was just about to get my boobs back, my hair back. I was ready to EMBRACE that womanhood again with a thankfulness I hadn't had before, of course.
I have bleached, colored, cut and bleached, colored and cut again and still had about the same length of hair I had 6 most post treatment. I was still wearing wigs, they are...were my security blanket. They make me feel BEAUTIFUL! I know silly, it is just faux hair. Hey we all have our vice and mine is synthetic hair! So, in walks Vicky to my life we catch up in 3.2 seconds and then we start talking shop about my website my plans or lack of plans when she tells me what God has placed on her heart. Jewels in the Mud was born.
Jewels in the Mud....there is definitely some symbolism there huh? I was still in the MUD! I was climbing out but still had one foot in, scared to step out totally in faith and let go and let God! I said I am on board...anything to get my story out to other women hurt and broken from this disease. I was ready, and then I was not....Really? Am I good enough to minister or help or share with others? I am still dealing with X,Y and Z! I want to but God are you sure? Yes, Heather....I know you and I know that you are just dust. I made you. Okay....and you want me to tell them everything? Transparent is see through, crystal clear, no smoke and mirrors, no wigs....NO WIGS! But Vicky...did God really mean NO WIGS! UGH!!!!!!!! God are you you sure?
As the weeks past and the few meetings have come and gone God has been working on me it would seem in every area of my life...testing me, trying me and I have failed more than once I tell ya. But his grace has been sufficient and his mercy is new each day. I have been fighting a battle on every front I feel that any one of these fights just weeks prior would have towered me and now I am in this battle where I am fighting 5 or 6 things...I swear I am not exaggerating! and yet I am still here! God is so good! But with these battles raging in me and Vicky whom is leading this venture, as well as our third spoke Shelly, we know that God has something in store that is HUGE!The enemy is MAD and trying everything to destroy it. I am so excited ! I have reached out to a few "jewels" that God has placed in my life to join me in this venture ministering God's love to the hurting. I can't wait to see this group multiply in other areas of the city as well as the state and maybe someday the nation.
Back to the whole addicted to LOVE...I talked to Vicky very candidly about my relationships and my need to be "IN LOVE". At the first meeting of Jewels in the Mud she presented me with a ring on my left hand that God had told her to give me and told me that He was my bridegroom. I wept. God couldn't use me for his purpose if I was drowning in another person only in the oneness could He show me what I needed to know. He is preparing me for his purpose and for that journey I must have all eyes on Him.
All eyes are on you Lord!
