Saturday, July 9, 2011

Fearfully and Wonderfully MADE!!!!

     For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.....Psalm 139:13-16
     I believe with every fiber of my being that EVERY word in the Bible is TRUE and without FAIL. I know that God had created me and knew every step I have taken before I took it, every wrong turn, every mistake and HE still LOVES me. He also created me to live life and do it abundantly.That doesn't mean that I don't struggle and haven't struggled with issues besides cancer, some self induced some not. 
    I have been wrestling with many things throughout my cancer journey and I feel that I needed to have resolution and an ending to them. The first has been the distance between my daughter and I....physical distance, we talk at least 5 x a day and text more than that. She is almost 17 and has lived in Lebanon off and on since I moved to KC in November of 2009. It has taken a GREAT toll on me daily to be away from my first born, only daughter. She likes to"visit" the city, but is a country girl through and through. I have carried guilt over the divorce, the separation from her on a daily basis for a while now. She is very mature and headstrong and with the help of my ex-husbands family and my own she has managed very well but as a mother.....there is guilt, worry and a emptiness that filled my soul. It was a choice that she made...some might say she shouldn't have had the choice and maybe she shouldn't have. I moved to Lebanon when I was a sophomore and know how hard it is to leave everything you know, but after her wreck last fall and a subsequent wreck last month I have just about been bonkers. I want her with me.
(Me and my beautiful daughter Fourth of July 2011...note the wig....I was having a bad hair nite....thank you Jesus.... I still have wigs:)
      
     I moved back to Lebanon a few months ago one to be closer to my family during my last leg of treatments and LOVED being with my family and friends there but struggled to find work. I was also running from....not sure....Brett, cancer maybe both? Brett and I are not unlike every other couple in the world we have had ups and downs...with two divorces, a baby, cancer. We have been through it ALL. Another thing I have struggled with...having a baby and not being married to Brett....feeling like a hypocrite, a phony. My life, my heart is supposed to be a living testimony to Christ and all that he has brought me through not tainted by the fact that I was living in sin. I had it all going on...cancer, guilt from the Sierra situation, guilt from the Brett situation....condemnation at every turn. The devil and my sin have been dragging me down for months.
      Fast forward to now.... Sierra is on the fence about where she wants to stay...she has the summer to figure it out. She is working in Lebanon at a dress shop downtown and is waiting for her car to get repaired from the last fender bender. The boys are great and everything seems to be coming together....PRAISE GOD! I have recently read a book about remarriage, the authors have endured a path much like Brett and I, only they didn't have cancer in the mix. Thank YOU, Marilyn Courtney for caring enough for me and Brett to share these books and counsel us in some of our darkest times. I cannot wait to see you this Sunday at Northland Cathedral:) You are one of my BEST FRIENDS, I love you!!!!!
    I have been done with rads for about a month now and had my post rads visit to Dr. Rast. He says we are looking good, added another 50 cc's on rads side due to skin shrinkage from rads. I don't go back for 8 months and exchange is in a year. I am looking forward to coming back to the KC Cancer Center with Dr. Sheehan and NP Jennifer Bingham, they ROCK! Started taking my Femara each nite before bed, no terrible side effects as of late but am still feeling very stiff from the estrogen suppression. I am also still struggling with my diet and making the changes that make my body run to optimum level and coincide with trying to suppress all estrogen. Shout out to Fara Rose...health care extraordinaire, for working on some diet changes for me to get me back on track. Thank you sooo much, I hope to see you this week:)
    Thank you all for the support, encouragement and prayers that get me through each day. You are the BOMB !!!!! God bless you all!!!!
          I am making plans for that tattoo I blogged about a few months ago...I have narrowed it down to two.....here they are ......what do you think? Which one? Not sure where it is going yet but LOVE both of these.....Please help me decide.....
Or is it this one......?  
Jesus you make EVERYTHING GLORIOUS and I AM YOURS!!!!!!! http://youtu.be/sYaNBXwm4bI

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