"Team PINK 2011"

       It is bad to say that I am soooooo ready to close this year out and begin fresh in 2011?  I will never forget what I have been through or where I am from, but I am ready for a rebirth :) I visited "home" a week ago and I felt like it was no longer my "home". I love visiting my family and friends, but this is my home. Somehow that seems bittersweet for me, I always felt that Lebanon was my safe place. I have family and friends there that love me, as I do here now, but people that have known me and been there for me for many years. That has not changed and then there is my beautiful but stubborn daughter that insists that she MUST graduate from Conway high school, UGH! I know that if she were here everyday, despite the normal mother-daughter battles my life would feel complete, there is always something missing now :(  I felt as though I was living the Miranda Lambert song The house that built me.....I was very sad.
     I arrived back home with a sense of relief and safety, although I grew up in Kansas City I guess until last week it wasn't my home. I have said many times that home is a person and not a place and that I still believe wholeheartedly. With all this being said, I felt as I drove home that I had lost something, that I wasn't the same girl that I knew in Lebanon, yet I am not the same woman I was when I moved here a few years back, I cried.
     Cancer has changed the person I am and whether I want to admit it or deal with it, it is true. It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time, it has done some good and bad so I can't say that it is all bad that I got cancer. I can say that what Satan meant for harm God has turned into something good. He has drawn me near to him and caused people that I depended on in the past to be scarce after I got sick and that is okay, it was also all part of his plan. I would have continued to depend on PEOPLE to get me through this and they would have failed me. That is what we as humans do, we are imperfect. I am not the girl I used to be and I am not the woman I thought I was and that is okay too. The new dilemma is.......who am I now?
    God has always throughout my life been my rock and he will always be, whenever there has been turmoil or storms I always turn to him for help. So, now he is just going to have to show me the kind of woman that he wants me to be and mold me into that. I am looking forward to my rebirth and all the things God has in store for me. He has taken me to a place throughout my mess that has left me totally dependant on him and now he is preparing me for what he has in store for me. I am not sure what that is and for me that is scary, but I have trusted in him thus far and I know that his plans and his ways are far better than mine.
     Welcome 2011, whatever it is you have in store!!!!!