"Team PINK 2011"

       It is bad to say that I am soooooo ready to close this year out and begin fresh in 2011?  I will never forget what I have been through or where I am from, but I am ready for a rebirth :) I visited "home" a week ago and I felt like it was no longer my "home". I love visiting my family and friends, but this is my home. Somehow that seems bittersweet for me, I always felt that Lebanon was my safe place. I have family and friends there that love me, as I do here now, but people that have known me and been there for me for many years. That has not changed and then there is my beautiful but stubborn daughter that insists that she MUST graduate from Conway high school, UGH! I know that if she were here everyday, despite the normal mother-daughter battles my life would feel complete, there is always something missing now :(  I felt as though I was living the Miranda Lambert song The house that built me.....I was very sad.
     I arrived back home with a sense of relief and safety, although I grew up in Kansas City I guess until last week it wasn't my home. I have said many times that home is a person and not a place and that I still believe wholeheartedly. With all this being said, I felt as I drove home that I had lost something, that I wasn't the same girl that I knew in Lebanon, yet I am not the same woman I was when I moved here a few years back, I cried.
     Cancer has changed the person I am and whether I want to admit it or deal with it, it is true. It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time, it has done some good and bad so I can't say that it is all bad that I got cancer. I can say that what Satan meant for harm God has turned into something good. He has drawn me near to him and caused people that I depended on in the past to be scarce after I got sick and that is okay, it was also all part of his plan. I would have continued to depend on PEOPLE to get me through this and they would have failed me. That is what we as humans do, we are imperfect. I am not the girl I used to be and I am not the woman I thought I was and that is okay too. The new dilemma is.......who am I now?
    God has always throughout my life been my rock and he will always be, whenever there has been turmoil or storms I always turn to him for help. So, now he is just going to have to show me the kind of woman that he wants me to be and mold me into that. I am looking forward to my rebirth and all the things God has in store for me. He has taken me to a place throughout my mess that has left me totally dependant on him and now he is preparing me for what he has in store for me. I am not sure what that is and for me that is scary, but I have trusted in him thus far and I know that his plans and his ways are far better than mine.
     Welcome 2011, whatever it is you have in store!!!!!

Merry CHRISTMAS !!!!!

       The stockings are hung on the chimney with care in hopes that St.Nick will visit our "Merry Christmas Tree". Colt loves the "Merry Christmas Tree" so much so even at the mention of the words" Merry Christmas" he searches for the 9 foot fir.  Christmastime is here and it is always a very special time for me and my children, this year will be no different, DESPITE CANCER.  I believe that the traditions that we ingrain in our children will hopefully be passed on generation to generation. I know that the traditions my parents shared with my brother and I are still carried out in the lives of our children and with the blending of two families traditions, we have A LOT to accomplish this year. It is such an exciting time with Colt learning to walk and Dakota up to his usual antics and Sierra adopting every pet west of the Mississippi. We are focused on giving the kids a "good" Christmas, but more than that we are sharing the love of family and of Christ.
    We will be baking baby Jesus a birthday cake, reading the story of the birth of Christ and ensuring that the kids realize that Christmas isn't about Santa or gifts. It is about Christ and how his life and death was the greatest gift of all. In this house it is MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy holidays!!!
   On a different note all together, I have had 2 of the 12 doses of Taxol and now only 10 left. YEAH!!!! I didn't have any allergic type reactions with the infusions and this time my pre-treatment steroids were eliminated and the infusion steroids were reduced from 10 mg to 4 mg, so no moon face hopefully :) Although tonight I have some mild itching around my eyes but I am unsure if it has any connection. At this point I am just monitoring. Please pray that it resolves itself.
     I also have had some moderate bone pain after treatment and continued fatigue but by far so much better than A/C. My white blood counts are still hovering at 3 and 4, still not great and I am low on the reds too, started some iron pills this week. Please pray that my platelets, red cells and my tanking white counts continue to improve, despite this dreadful chemo. Until the next time.....MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your family and my God bless you and yours:)

To God be the glory........:)

       Today is day 3 of my first round of Taxol, I will be getting twelve weekly and I am still feeling fine. Yeah!! I do have a slight sore throat and a start of a sore on my tongue due to a filling that cracked two weeks ago and started the whole sore mouth deal. I can't visit the dentist while on chemo so I have used some temp filling and I am hoping it holds this time. I have had no nausea and fatigue or bone pain so far, PRAISE GOD!!!! I have felt like my old self for over a week, no treatment last week and now the effects of the Taxol make me wonder if I am getting a placebo:)
    I have an oncologist appointment today and a relaxing weekend planned with family and friends. I have seen the light at the end of this tunnel and I am LOVING what I see. God has been so good to me and as I have said many times before he has carried me through every treatment, every surgery, every crazy moment. Thank you Jesus to you all the glory.

He is making ALL things NEW:)

       Can I just say there is NO greater feeling in the world than feeling healthy, other than being healthy!!!! I had never felt sick before my diagnosis and even with all the surgeries had not been ill, despite having breast cancer. Who knew something that was trying to kill you could be so sneaky and painless? Well,  I had a week off of chemo this week and my body, mind and spirit needed it BAD!!!! I, once again, had a hard time rebounding from the last A/C treatment two and a half weeks ago, as the side effects were terrible and the cumulative fatigue was worse. I developed mouth sores that were on each underside of my tongue, I could not eat anything and barely drank for 5 days, nothing like the chemo diet to make you lose 13 lbs in a month. I am at a good weight for me but chemo is not the time to diet. I can say that the mouth sores have been the most excruciating part of this process, losing the ability to talk, eat or drink was awful, some around here may have enjoyed a little peace and quiet, LOL!!!!
     I am on the mend and am feeling great. PRAISE GOD!!!!  The news of Elizabeth Edwards was hard for me to watch last night and I began to cry when I thought of her children and how they will face the world without their mother, it does scare me. I know that God has a plan for my life and that I will come through this victorious but there are days and moments that doubts creep in and for that I feel ashamed. I feel like I am not trusting God or I am doubting his promises. I don't know if that is natural or I am just trying to be super human or super christian but I do know that it goes away as fast as I pray or read his word. This is a journey with not many highs and LOTS of lows. I have experienced so many I can hardly count, but one thing has stayed true throughout it all....God. He is my ALL, my EVERYTHING, without him I can do nothing. I have given my life to him, CANCER and ALL and he is making all things NEW in me. I can see things in my life that were so important becoming so much less significant and so many things that I have taken for granted becoming so monumental.
     I challenge you today to ask God to show you, as he is me, the things that are important and the things that are not so important that we spend so much of our time focusing on. He will reveal these things to you and when he does it makes things so much more clear and gives one a NEW lease on life, as it has for me:)

Enter HIS praise with Thanksgiving in your heart.......:)

       Well, Thanksgiving is coming this week and this season is by far my favorite of the year. As the trees begin to change and snow begins to fall I turn into super mommy mode making sure my kids experience the traditions that I want them to share with their children someday. I bake, I cook, I decorate, I host, I LOVE being a stay at home mom and wife and live for this time of year to shine:) This year has been somewhat different with my current SITUATION, but I am not going to let a little thing like cancer get in the way of my life, like I had been doing these last few weeks:) I have been going through a valley and feeling as though I didn't have much to look forward to, let alone be thankful for, being sick is not my strong suite. I have been in the hospital prior to breast cancer 4 times in my life....my birth and my three children births so I am not a very good patient. This valley has been long and dark compared to my fast healing, pain free surgeries that God blessed me with, I had no idea that chemo would get me down physically and mentally as it had.
    I had begun to let cancer define me in every way and to a degree it has to with certain physical aspects such as staying germ free thus the confinement. UGH! But I had let it control every thought and action and quite frankly it SUCKED!!!! I was depressed and notably so as you have read. I am still going through this valley and I am not sure how long it will last, Monday will be my last A/C treatment and Taxol should be easier, but I can do this. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ that strengthens me. It is not me, it is HIM in me and even on days when I think I can't do this anymore, HE can.
    As much as I want to get through this next treatment I am dreading it as I always do, because I know all to well the side effects that have lasted a day or two longer each treatment. I am going to, however, praise GOD through this treatment and thank HIM for every blessing I have instead of concentrating on how I FEEL. Every time I start thinking or FEELING bad I am going to praise him OUT LOUD. Fix your eyes on me and not yourself Heather:) Thank you Jesus!!!
      I have so much to be thankful for..... my daughters recent protection in a rollover car crash, PRAISE GOD!!! things could have been so different. My healthy boys that don't allow me to concentrate on cancer every minute of the day with their smiles, laughs and antics, Praise GOD!!!  Instead of concentrating on what I cancer has stolen from me, I am concentrating on what God has given me and is going to restore in my life. Can you say SEVEN FOLD?!!!!
    I am entering this season with thanksgiving in my heart and praise for the one that has promised that he will never leave me or forsake me. Now, onward SUPER SEASON MOMS....I know I am not the only one:) I am going to cook, bake and decorate this season all the while singing his praises for all he has done, is doing and will do in my life, while BALD might I add. You should too. Happy Thanksgiving. God bless:)

Three down, one to go....well sort of:)

      I am over halfway through my first four dense dose chemotherapy treatments. I had my third infusion on the 8th of November. Since then I have been very tired and fatigued, had a lot of nausea and now thrush covering my mouth. I realize my last last few posts have been a real downer and have reflected the way I have been feeling....DEPRESSED!!! I believe that the physical effects of the chemo have been the hardest to endure since my diagnosis. I had three surgeries that I breezed through. I was "IN THE ZONE" then and after 5 months of eradicating this disease from my body I am worn out.
    I have been dwelling on how I feel physically, cause darn it I feel SOOOOO bad. I have had my faith tested many times during this journey and in the last few weeks more that ever. I know I beleive that God almighty has me in the palm of his hand and that he has already told me of my future and the plans he has for me, but in the throws of the aches, pains, nausea, and on and on....you wonder why ? Why God do I have to go through this ? Couldn't you have just healed me before all the surgery, the treatments, the sickness? How much more can I stand? I don't know if I can do this? It is soooo hard. You know you have to do it but you don't want to.
      The chemo is ensuring that my cancer never returns so there is no question as to the validity but it has been the hardest leg of this trip by far. As the last treatment approaches next week I find myself dreading the side effects from the chemo but know that it is the last hard one. My oncologist and other surviors say that taxol is a breeze....Sooooo,I am believing that Taxol will be easier than the A/C and that despite the highly allergic possibilties that I will not have any adverse reactions. Please pray that for me, I am experiencing some anxiety about that possiblility. Tweleve weekly taxol treatments and then I am free of chemo and all of it's terrible side effects. Praise GOD!!! Speaking of God and his faithfulness that shows up every morning and in the wee hours of the night when I can't sleep or am afraid, thank you and praise you JESUS the author and finisher of my faith, for you are doing this, not me.

I will get through this........

      Let's just start by saying that chemo SUCKS!!!!! After my first treatment I thought that chemo would be well....... less SUCKY!!!! After last weeks infusion I had to use a wheel chair to get to the truck I was so weak and I stayed that way for a day or two, just in time to get the Neulasta shot, which also SUCKS!!!  So, I had a SUCKY week. It took me almost 7 days to rebound from the last treatment, way too long for SUPER GIRL. My counts have also been way low, 1.8 after first treatment and 2.5 after second, too low to attend church, go to the grocery store or anywhere else. It SUCKS!!!!
    I have been down in the dumps since the last treatment side effects and my new found agoraphobia. I have also lost ALL of my hair now and am completely, totally  BALD. I think the combonation of feeling so bad this time and looking so bad has taking a mental toll on me. God has a plan and though it may not seem so, you just have to trust him. He has carried me through thus far and as long as I keep my eyes fixed on him and not myself or my circumstance he will keep me:)

The girl in the bubble......:(

      Well, today is day three after the second  date with our little friend the RED DEVIL and I have been a little weaker in the legs but otherwise symptoms and reactions to the treatment is relatively the same. I do however believe there maybe a cumulative affect but not giving into that notion yet:) I am feeling like a 90 year old today after the Neulasta shot, it is hard on the muscles and joints as it ups the bone marrow. My pastor and his wife brought a wonderful pasta dinner over last night, Thank you so much Carol:) I love you guys.
    My blood counts have been low and I have had to refrain from going to the store or church etc, VERY DEPRESSING!!!! I have been told that my counts should come back up with the second phase of my treatments but I still have two more of the dense dose A/C before we switch. So, hoping I stabilize and don't have to remain inside through Thanksgiving:( If I am feeling up to it we are heading to the farm this weekend for youth season so my Dakota can kill his first deer, and maybe mom can snag one too:) Pictures to follow......

HAIR, here today....gone tomorrow?

        I would like to just say thank God this is a new chemo free week :)  I can say that, chemo, although you are ravishing red in color and may or may not be nick named RED DEVIL, you have not defeated ole' H. She has been in the ZONE since the diagnosis and continues to propel her self forward because looking back has no value in this situation. Why I am writing in third person? Anyway, this is day 6 of my first chemo cycle and although the initial shock to my system brought nausea and may or may not have taken away the desire to eat IN A TUB tacos for a while, it was relatively non eventful. I did not throw up, get the scoots, or lose any hair!!!!! WOW, why am I not losing hair? Is this an answer to prayer? Not sure but going with it for now. I haven't colored or cut it in months and pretty much look like the shaggy dog, in fact the wigs look soooo much better than my real hair now I wear them even though I haven't went bald. Plus, as Paris says they are HOT!!!
    I have had so much support and love from my family and church family. I am humbled by the words and the acts of kindness, Popeye's chicken from my dear friend Marilyn and all the fixin's she made at home, just after I mentioned that chicken sounded good. The way to this girls heart is through her stomach people, so in place of flowers and cards....chicken plz. LOL! I am totally KIDDING. Don't send me chicken:) I did have some muscle aches after my NEULASTA gold shot, I call it the gold shot because I could use $3500 worth of clothes and shoes rather than this bi-weekly shot. $3500 x 4....that is a lot of shoes and purses people, but it does boost my bone marrow and white and red count so I can continue to live a semi normal life, thus the boy in the bubble. So, to recap....nausea, muscle and joint pain, a little dizzy here and there and the infamous red urine incident (which is a result of the RED DEVIL) and little Heather heading to bed before midnight, chemo has disrupted my life very little. I have avoided crowds some and am missing my church family today. I am scheduled for a CBC in the morning and have a oncologist appointment tomorrow to see how I am doing after the first infusion.
    So, having said that I just want to thank my family and friends and my beautiful, wonderful daughter that graced me with her presence this entire weekend, for all the continued love and support and most of all thank you Jesus Christ for giving me the strength and the courage to face this disease always knowing that you are carrying me though.

Chemo Numero Uno and BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS !!!!!!

         Chemo.....well if this is it, which I hope it is, I have had very few side effects. Praise God!!! This is day two of the first of my chemo cycles. I will be getting 4 DD A/C and 12 Taxol treatments, for a grand total of 16. I am on my way with one super scary treatment down and 15 to go. I arrived at the hospital at 8:30, I got into the suite around 9:30 had our CBC run and vitals all taken. Everything was perfect.....time to get started. I was a little emotional and looked across the room at Brett and asked...."Are you still going to love me when I am bald?". Of course he said "yes baby" and comforted me, but what else could he say?  "No....I don't think so".
     I have been struggling with self image my whole life and given the bald, boob less version of myself I am "really" struggling.  I AM boobs and hair, I know how shallow I am, but that is what I felt like made me sexy and secure!!!! Well, I have to say that while I have many hang ups at the moment....it won't be like this for long, just like the song says. I am much more than boobs and hair, although I am on a desperate rescue mission to retrieve them, I will be okay until I do God willing:)

Sending you all my love

      Well, this journey has taken me through three surgeries and next stop is chemotherapy, I start it in less than 24 hours. I experienced GREAT fear when the words cancer were told to me, cancer is a very scary word. Although I was scared and unsure of why this was happening to me I began to cry out to God and ask him to help me. I have to say that once I "gave it" to him I have experienced great peace over this entire situation and every aspect of my life, not to say I haven't had a few episodes of anxiety but as fast as it came it would leave as I prayed it away. We cannot predict the future or control everything in our lives, we just think we can, until something like cancer comes knocking. When it does, as it did for me, you rally. That is just human nature, what else do you do? Refuse treatment? Lay down and die? That was not an option for me, I apparently have a lot to live for:) I don't want to say that cancer has been good for me, but cancer has forced me to rely on God and to learn that through him I can do all things. I am sooooo STRONG!!!!! I have never felt so empowered in my life, I know sounds crazy right? I am strong because I am weak, does that make any sense?
       I have been blessed to have some wonderful women in my life my beautiful daughter, my mother, grandmother, my step mother and now a huge network of women that I rely on for encouragement, prayer and support. I have been adopted by a lady at my church that have been at my surgeries all my highs and lows throughout this walk, I love you Marilyn:) My pastors wife whom is also a breast cancer survivor has been nurturing me and interceding for me. I have at least 5 churches which I am on the prayer list, family, friends, strangers ALL praying for me and I love them all. I can't tell you what that means to know on days that I am down or busy to know that while I was carrying on with my day someone was ringing up heaven for me:)  Thank you all :)
     I believe that God places people in our lives in due season and through this journey I have had a wonderful christan surgeon that prayed with me before each operation , he asked and I was stunned, but so thankful:) Thank you Dr. Lehr. Every time I have needed something whether it be encouragement, peace, strength I have had the perfect person on the other end of the phone, or coming by to visit or just bumping into them at the wig shop. Something about hearing a stranger say "You are gonna be fine, God's got this", is sooooo awesome:)

I am the face of breast cancer

      My breast cancer story began July 13, 2010 @ 1:30 in the afternoon. I was at my obgyn for my annual check up and had promised my self I would ask her to look at the "dent" I has in my left breast. I had noticed it right before Colt was to be born and thought it was just due to my milk coming in...boy was I wrong. At the appt brought the "dent" to my NP attention, she said I don't think it's anything and dismissed it even after she had done my breast exam. It must have not FELT like cancer. I pushed again before she left the room to look again with my arm raised because it looked different or worse when my arm was up. She again said "Well, there is a "dent" but I don't think it's anything, BUT we will send you for a mammogram just to be sure." WOW....was this happening to me?
    So, got to the imaging center same day, had the mammogram and then they took me to another room to have an ultrasound. I knew it was not good at that point. As the radiologist does the ultrasound he looks at me and says" You have a mass Heather, and I believe it is breast cancer". I was BLOWN away. No family history of breast cancer, in fact I met none of the criteria for having this dx. WOW...what next?
     Meet Dr. Lehr, surgeon...." Heather, you don't have family history, your young, I believe this is going to be nothing, but let's do the biopsy to be sure".......3 days later "Heather, it's Dr. Lehr......are you sitting down?" ....No, do I need to be? "Yes, you do have breast cancer".....yada yada yada....my world was spinning. Ductal Carcinoma, what is that? WOW...again...how can this be happening? I went to his office the next day with my mom, grams and Brett my "support" team. We discussed the cancer, what it meant and how to treat it? Would I live? Am I going to die? ....I wanted the cancer OUT- gone, I wanted him to take both of my breast that I would NEVER have to deal with this again. He said let's go slow, we can go forward but never back and if we do the double mastectomy you can't go backwards.
    So, I had a lumpectomy, margins clear, no node involvement, but it was invasive. The tumor was 3.2 cm, it was estrogen and progesterone driven or positive and it did not have the her protein that is present in aggressive forms of breast cancer. After the initial path report revealed no node involvement the final one said 2 positive nodes...wow that means CHEMO. Could this get any better? I may lose my boobs which I LOVE and now my hair!!!!! This cannot be happening!!!!! But it was,  I was then given the BRCA test to see if I am at a greater genetic risk for recurrence. If so, recommendations were to have a double mastectomy to reduce the risk. The BRCA test results came back MAYBE...wow...1 of 10 people in the WORLD to have this particular mutation, still trying to find out the significance of it. Still recommendations from 2 oncologists and my surgeon, double mastectomy to reduce risk, as each year it would climb 0.5% plus my 10 to 20% chance of recurrence just having been DX previously. So, decided to have the double mastectomy to ensure a better survival rate and less chance of recurrence. WOW is this hard!!!!!!
     I am a woman BECAUSE I have boobs...what does it mean if I don't have any?  Struggling but muddling through, all the while weaning our son in 3 days from the breast which was very difficult for me and I thought would be devastating to the little man cause he was a boob guy for sure, but he transitioned beautifully. Still everything else was haywire, I was trying to be strong, praying and believing that God would change this outcome and move for me to get me out of this nightmare.  Then it happened God stepped in at my weakest moment and took my hand and said, "This is your testimony and you will tell a lot of women your story". WOW, it is starting to make sense now,  I hadn't revealed this to Brett but God had told me that last fall and I knew the second time I heard it what it really meant. I was going to live and beat breast cancer so that I might share my story with others. I CAN do this, no matter what I am going to come through this.
    August 23, 2010 I had a bilateral mastectomy clear margins and one more positive node, that means Stage2 B. WOW....I had not asked any Dr at that point what stage as when you hear the word cancer you assume stage 4 and death, or at least I did. Fast forward to now, healed from surgery awaiting first chemo treatment October 11, 2010  to be finished in February 2011.
    I AM THE FACE OF BREAST CANCER. October is breast cancer awareness month, I want to urge all women to ask your doctor to test your for the BRACA gene and see what your risk is...even if you have no family history, if you test positive your chance of developing breast cancer before the age of 60 is 80- 85%. Please be proactive with your health and press and push your doctors to do more tests if your body is telling you something different. My tumor based on size and grade had been growing 5-7 years, that means I was 27 -29 years old when it began . I would NOT, based on the current policies and recommendations, had a mammogram until 40 and by then it could have been too late.