Moving past the big "C"

    Moving past cancer has been more difficult than I thought in many ways and easier than I thought in others. The way I think has certainly changed, having had cancer has made me more aware than ever of my own mortality. It has also made me aware of the things I can do to improve my chances of living a long life and not dying from heart disease let alone breast cancer like diet, exercise etc. The physical changes to my body such as the scars from my surgeries, new foobs and the last five pounds that I cannot kick seem to phase me less than I thought. I have always taken care of myself and appearance was soooo very important to me. Don't get me wrong I still take care of myself but my worth and value is NOT based on how I look, what I weigh, what I am wearing or driving. THANK GOD!!! Because I looked healthy before and was sick, just didn't know it. I also was sick in my thinking and my value system was all whack! I am still a work in progress and certainly NOT perfect but the BEST I have ever been. Keep in mind....He is still working on me:)
   The harder parts of moving past cancer are AGAIN the "what if's." Controling and taming the "what if's" are what I would normally "do" in any situation that was uncertain. Now I just am learning to live with them. WOW...did I just say that? I really sound smart and put together. On many days I am and on others I fall flat on my face. BUT one truth still stands out in my mind and every time I doubt, fear, break down.....I cannot add one day to my life by worrying about the "what if's". I couldn't before and I can't now. It is HARD to be human and have knowledge and not use them to wonder, speculate and figure out. God created me and he knows me better than I know myself. Please then Lord....let my sharp, studious mind not dwell on the statics, stories, lives of other survivors with same stage, grade, node involvement be of NO significance to me. Give me that child like faith that has no room for doubt or fear only TRUST in you and your will for my life. Remind me of the promise you gave me before I even knew I had cancer that I would share my story with others. Please God, give me PEACE!
  Rads are over next onto Femara. I have an onco appointment next week as well as a trip to KC to the plastic surgeon to access the damage from radiation. Please continue to pray for me through this journey that we call life.

    Thank you to my Father in Heaven for being with me every moment of my life and thank you to my earthly father who REALLY stepped into the role of THE GREATEST DAD on earth, I love you!!!!!

This song is for you...........................Butterfly Kisses.

This is the FIRST day of the REST of my life:)

      Ding dong.....the bell has been rung :) I am DONE!!!! What now? That is "THE" question. I have had 4 surgeries, 5 months of chemotherapy, 33 radiation treatments and next stop, a 5 year estrogen binding drug. My oncologist says....You have already FOUGHT your fight. WOW...am I REALLY done? What does that mean? What am I going to do now that I am not FIGHTING cancer? Am I really done? Could it be possible that I may NEVER take another treatment? I BELIEVE so. Thank you to my Lord Jesus Christ who died for my sin, shame, and my healing. PRAISE YOU LORD!!!! You are my everything. Thank you for giving me another year with my children and family, I long only to serve and edify you!!! Bring on another 50 years.
   I have met some more amazing people throughout this leg of my journey that included my radiation oncologist Dr. Brawn, Dr. Nanny my medical oncologist along with all of the rad techs and nurses at the St. Johns Cancer Center. I love you all:) MUAH!!! To my oncology counselor Cynthia, I love you for hooking me up with each organization that was either there to help me or I could become apart of. You are AWESOME! To my financial counselor Cindy...you control the gas cards and are my BIGGEST cheerleader. I can't wait to be in the office RIGHT next to you. I love you! To the Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks...you ROCK!!! You have been instrumental in getting me back on my feet after diagnosis. I can't wait to give back.
   I have also had the opportunity to meet some beautiful women each day as we sat in the ladies waiting room each waiting to be zapped. Most of the ladies were over 50 and I had little in common with them as they were retired and had no small children at home. BUT one day I spotted a woman my age that had obviously went through chemo because she had the same "do" as me. I asked the other ladies about her and one day as the machines were out of commission we had a moment to chat. We exchanged numbers, began to text and became Facebook friends. She invited me to lunch and with the kids and travel I wondered if it would EVER happen. She finished rads a few days before me and as I watched her ring the bell with tears in her eyes as I KNEW I had to connect with her. She introduced me to her friend that I assumed she had been friends with for years as I watched them at her "ringing". Last week we had breakfast/lunch at Anton's after my treatment and THE THREE AMIGOS was cemented, there wasn't near enough time for us to chat. We DO need a weekend. Laura and Cassandra, the other PINK WARRIORS. Telling you all my story heals me and I hope helps you all feel that you are not alone in this war. I love you both, look forward to getting to know you both better and growing into old ladies together :) I heard this song by Matt Maher the day before we met at Anton's and immediately thought of you all.
http://youtu.be/Qu_LZcZP9zk 
  I am soooo thankful for my family and friends that have supported me through this whole cancer thingy:) You ROCK! To my dad that calls me EVERY single day with the same question....How are you feeling? I love you. You have always been a good dad but you have knocked it out of the park for me through this. You are THE BEST. To my kids....Sierra, Dakota, and Colt.....Mommy's back and better than ever. You three are MY LIFE!!!!   Tomorrow is the FIRST day of the REST of my life. Bring IT!!!!