Post Chemo Do.....:)

This is my stylist Candice....isn't she awesome! I maybe using some clip on hair pieces to achieve it for a while but how adorable!

LIFE IS GOOD!

     I have finished fifteen of the sixteen chemotherapy treatments today, one more next Monday. Whooo!!!! Then it is time to gear up for surgery, I am sooooo EXCITED, nervous and scared, but mostly just EXCITED. I am thrilled to regain my shape and then some, it will be a process with the final results not coming until fall but I will have a shape. I have to laugh when I think about the coconut bras with the grass skits and the similarities with the tissue expanders, they can be a fright. I met with a WONDERFUL plastic surgeon and can only thank GOD for his compassion and sensitivity. HE is awesome!!!! We set up a surgery date of March 16, that is wayyy sooner than I though I could have surgery. My counts were pretty low today, praying they rebound before surgery or it won't happen. It is about an hour and a half surgery, did I mention I hate surgery?
   We are placing Allegran 550cc, 14 wide medium profile expanders that will be filled a little during surgery and  then VERY rapidly in the following weeks. This process can be painful and especially if you are getting it done so quickly but due to the radiation time frame we must fill FAST. So, although I am thrilled, I am scared of the possibility of pain, although with my mastectomy I didn't even need a Tylenol. Amazing huh? God has carried me through every aspect of this journey and I am not doubting his plan, so once again FIX YOUR EYES ON ME, Heather. Okay Jesus. So surgery on the 16th fill, fill, fill until I am happy with size and the skin is holding up, then 30 something rads with a few boosts to the tumor site. The radiation can affect outcome but this dr has experience with expander, rads, exchange. MD Anderson protocol is the newest and best on radiation and positive reconstruction outcomes and that is what we are following. Please pray for me in this leg of this journey.
    It was so fun to try on the implants with a fitted t-shirt on and look like myself again....AWESOME. I had to take a few pics....I will share one although I do look like Miss Puff off of Spongebob due to the steroids, not for long though:) So, ignore the pudgy water belly, chubby arms and swollen face. I could go on, But WON'T !

Yeah...boobies!!!! Or as Dorinda likes to say...Boobalicious! I am so thankful to be almost done with chemotherapy. It has been ROUGH! Thank you again to all of the people that have made up the slack, held my hand and my head up.  I love you all.! Thank you Jesus for being my savior, healer, comforter and most of all my heavenly father. I will spend my life serving you and edifying you by telling others what you have done in my life.  Life is GOOD!!!!

Love deeper, speak sweeter :)

        I have heard the song by Tim McGraw "Live Like you were dying"  many times, it is about his father Tug McGraw who discovered he had terminal cancer and died shortly after, but never prior to cancer did I REALLY know what the lyrics meant. I have lived my life scared of many things including just living. Exhibit A- airplanes. I have NEVER flown. I have taken chances on things that have bombed, I have ventured out where I shouldn't have been, I have made lots of mistakes in my thirty five year old life. One thing I hadn't done though prior to cancer was live like each day was so precious and could be taken away at any moment. We are born and die at an appointed time, I am not sure what that time is for me, as are you, but I can tell you that life is best living it with urgency and purpose.

   My purpose besides living a Christ centered life has been to be a mommy first and foremost, it is by far the most rewarding, challenging, hands down BEST job in the world. I love my kids more than life, but feel that in the hustle and bustle of life and it's hardships and problems I have failed to ENJOY being a mother to the fullest. I know now that I am not Wonder Woman, contrary to popular belief :-) I didn't hug my children long and hard every day, I didn't hang on every single Mommy listen..... to this or that after  hearing it 50 times a day. I can do better in EVERY area of my life.  I could have done better but I was living life like there would always be tomorrow to fix any problems or issues I was having. I was foolish. I took my life and my loves all for granted. I am an affectionate, loving, wonderful mother, sister, friend, but I have not lived like I was dying. I have found that many positive things have come out of this diagnosis and this is one of them........My new PASSION for life.

  Patience and deeper love for life as well as everything and everyone in it came very easily. I was always a soft person I believe not hard, bitter or jaded but certainly didn't have the deep love for life as I do now. In the song live like you were dying Tim says "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing, I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Shu, And I loved deeper, And I spoke sweeter, And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin', And he said some day I hope you get the chance, To live like you were dyin'." I know it is just lyrics to a country song but it is so true when facing a deadly disease. Hindsight is 20/20 and I cannot change the past although there are many things I would change. If you lucky, healthy peeps can live like you were dying BEFORE you get that phone call or test result no one wants to hear you my friends will be one step ahead of me.

   Living like you were dying is living life with ZEAL and WOW. LOVE is number one, in hand with FORGIVENESS of others that have wronged you even if they didn't say they were sorry. PASSION and PURPOSE is also on the forefront. Living a PURPOSE driven life is AWESOME and if you want to know or want a deeper meaning of what that means you should get the book Purpose Driven life. It is a LIFE CHANGING book, not about dying but about living and prioritizing your life to make it conducive to the purpose that you were put on this earth for. Again this book is LIFE CHANGING, a must read. Living like you were dying frees you to do things that are purposeful and not just routine, in fact it's okay to say NO to things that hinder you from fulfilling your purpose. PRIORITIZING your life....what is important to you? Who is important to you? Living a purposeful life simplifies the way you live day to day, it makes you take account the activities, people, places that are not fruitful or conducive to your purpose therefore a kind of downsizing. It is AMAZING!!!

   Life is short and although it seems you may be going to live forever, you won't. You could die tomorrow in a car crash, of cardiac arrest or you could like me get cancer and have to fight for your life. If you learn one thing from all of my blog ramblings about cancer and my little life I hope it is this... find your life's purpose and LIVE IT OUT!!! Live your life like tomorrow is your last day. Love deeper, speak sweeter.

"Shave to Save" fundraiser via Rafael Filion and The American Cancer Society

Together, we can save lives from cancer!
This year, nearly 1.5 million people will hear the words "You have cancer," and there's a good chance that some of them will be people we know and love. Just recently my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer and will undergo surgery here in mid February. Her faith in the lord has pulled her through this ordeal at this stage in her life, as I put my hopes and faith in the man upstairs I feel compelled to do my part and raise awareness while I too fight in my own way side by side with those have to deal with this on a daily basis.

Cancer is a scary word but I am inspired by Heather Edwards-Stephenson, a friend of mine who has been fighting Cancer with vigor, and valor, I thought it was necessary to help her tell her story to the world and fight alongside her, my mother and everyone else affected by this disease directly or indirectly.
I have chosen to create a world with less cancer and more birthdays – where cancer never steals another year from anybody’s life – by helping the American Cancer Society’s work.

With our help, the American Cancer Society saves lives and creates more birthdays by helping people stay well, helping people get well, by finding cures, and by fighting back.

For nearly a century, the American Cancer Society has fought for every birthday threatened by every cancer in every community.

 Will you join me?

I hope you will support me in my effort to reach my goal by using the links below....
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=18835432&fr_id=35010&pg=personal

Here is Heathers’ story and link to her blog where she writes about her fight as she knocks out Cancer.

Heather’s Story

     The day the world just stopped…..I was looking forward to an upcoming marriage, becoming a new mother to my 6 month old baby boy and my other two beautiful children when my life was halted by cancer. Tuesday July 13, 2010 was like any other hot summer day, bustling with three children at home, but normal nonetheless, except this day would change my life forever. I went to my annual “girly” appointment I was still having issues with my left breast, I believed due to a blocked milk duct.  I had been having issues for a few months but that “dent” on the left breast had not gone away. I asked my doctor to look at it today while I was there. It couldn’t be anything too serious I mean I had just had two breast exams in the last year while I was pregnant and everything must be fine or they would have told me. It was probably just a stubborn blocked duct.

    Exam, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, lumpectomy and then bilateral mastectomy would be in store for the weeks following. WOW, this is so hard. How at 35 years old with no family history of breast cancer could I be facing the fight of my life? How could I have breast cancer or any cancer? Would I be here to raise my children?  Was I going to be disfigured? Would he even want to marry me with no breasts? Could I beat this?  What are my odds? Chemotherapy? Radiation? My world was spinning and everything was out of control. Cancer had invaded my body and taken control of life as I once knew.

   Invasive ductal carcinoma is the proper name, a 3.2 cm tumor had been growing in my body and I didn’t even know I was sick. It had invaded 3 of my lymph nodes and if not found could have metastasized to other parts of my body, like my liver, bones, or brain. I was diagnosed with the “good” kind of breast cancer in terms of treatment and life expectancy, PRAISE GOD!!! I guess it could be worse I thought. There are women facing this BEAST at 23 years old in much more aggressive form and when diagnosed are already at stage IV. I was “lucky” in terms of cancer; I was only stage 2b, if you call it luck. That didn’t excuse me from the hard road I had ahead.

   Since that hot July day, I have had three surgeries and face at least two or three more before it is over with reconstruction, five grueling months of chemotherapy, and thirty something days of radiation soon. It has been one heck of a journey and when I think back on the day I was diagnosed I can’t believe I have come this far. The support of my family, my church and friends has been the catalyst propelling me forward on this road. My faith in Jesus Christ, my healer, my redeemer, my everything, has been the one thing that has never changed or wavered.  I give Him all the praise and glory, for He is so good.

     I am learning that life is best lived and not just going through the motions. Cancer tried to steal my life, but I believe that cancer may have actually given me a new lease and appreciation for life that I may have never experienced. I am stronger than ever and know that I can conquer anything life throws at me now. You can’t have a testimony without a test, this is my test and now I hope to be a testimony. A testimony to the power and promises of Jesus Christ and what he can do in your life. Cancer isn’t a cake walk but you can tread and triumph over the mountain, standing at the top screaming “Cancer….take that”.   

    Cancer is an awful disease that doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are a child, a mother, a son, a father or daughter. It is an equal opportunity offender. We have to STOP cancer in its tracks. We can do that by better screenings and detection, promoting healthy lifestyles, making advancements in treatments and CURES. Yes, I believe that cancer can be cured, not NED- no evidence of disease but CURED. The new genetic testing is finding links to all sorts of cancers that can be prevented through surgery like preventative mastectomy for breast and removal of ovaries for ovarian. These findings are the key to unlocking the CURE to many cancers by stopping them before they even form. This gives me as a mother and cancer survivor hope that my daughter may never have to “Fight like a Girl.”

  
For more on my cancer journey from start to finish line follow me at http://heathersknockingoutcancer.blogspot.com/

Hello...it's me" BOOBS" again.

      Now that chemo is coming to a close and I am nearing the next leg of this journey my thoughts have been consumed with boobs. My old ones, my new ones, different sizes, shapes and all of the surgeries that it requires to get an achieved looked, if there is one after a modified radical mastectomy on my left side and prophylactic on the right. Delaying reconstruction was not my idea but my oncologist, that is in the business of saving lives, not boobs or other spare parts. I have done everything by protocol since diagnosis, including delaying reconstruction in favor of the most aggressive treatment as soon as possible. I have no regrets at this point but as a woman I miss my breasts.
    I was breast feeding Colt when I was diagnosed and had to wean him in three days before surgery, hardest thing I have ever had to do. Having said all that.... Let's be REAL I had "mom boobs" after three pregnancies, breast feeding and just age- they had some issues but they were mine. I have been looking at pictures of my old boobs to take with me to the plastic surgeon and having a pity party for myself.  BEFORE you say anything....I know they are just boobs and don't make the woman anymore than clothes make the man, but I am struggling. The reconstruction photos at even the BEST surgeons are less than perfect. I see the scars that run across my flat chest everyday and although I knew I wasn't going to love the way reconstruction would look I knew I still wanted reconstruction.
   It is a personal choice and now at this point I know why women don't choose to reconstruct. One, we are too flippin' worn out after chemo, radiation, CANCER in general. Two, more surgeries after being through 3 already I dread another 3 to complete the process Three, what they could look like with no breast tissue to hide the implant is often scary. There are so many issues, such as will I have enough skin to achieve the size or shape I desire? Will they look natural or like something out of alien flick? I have seen too many of those type to count. Not to mention the debate about implants period, do they cause cancer?  Do they inhibit imaging? It is all A LOT to consider. I will be having reconstruction but what type ? The two step expander surgery....who knows? I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of consulting these next few weeks. My radiation is supposed to begin within 10 weeks after chemo to achieve the most benefit.
    So, surgery in the next month or two to be what my radiation oncologist calls "fully expanded" before we begin radiation therapy 30 something treatments to kill any cancer cells at the tumor or skin site that may have been left after surgery. Clear margins both times but don't want to take a chance:) Radiation can cause capsular contrature of my expander or implant making the skin and implant hard, thus hurting appearance and causing other issues. So, the newest, most favorable outcomes to date are those that have expander placement then radiation but the risk is still 50/50. Once again, I am trusting God to lead me to the right surgeon and to give me the most desirable reconstruction possible.
    As I look through the photos of what I thought was a healthy body realizing now I was growing a cancer in my breast, I am still sad and somewhat grieving. I wasn't Bo Derek in a swimsuit but I did take care of the body that God gave me and tonight...... I am sad. I am so thankful to be alive and so thankful for all of the blessings I have in my life but as a woman, I am grieving my breasts. I am taking comfort in a post from one of my sisters in the Ta Ta sisterhood  that goes......Yes, they are FAKE the REAL ones tried to kill me:)

I will hold you up.......:)