Guard my heart Lord.

  
         This week has been filled again with much travel beginning with Tuesday's trip back to KC for another fill of 75 ccs, for a GRAND total of 625. We are there:) Maybe another 50 or 100 post radiation to give us a cushion if there is any capsular contacture. I was blessed to have an old friend come with me on the drive and also grab a quick lunch with a old/new friend.  Today began early also with a trip to Springfield to get my radiation simulation, that included a cat scan which to date I had never had. It was not diagnostic but still gives me the creeps:( Anyway, it was painless and although uncomfortable because of the most recent fill, somewhat emotional due to JUST LIFE. But I did make it though and am better for it....just like every other step in this hellish journey that is cancer.
    I haven't really taken the time to think about the losses that I have experienced over the last few months. I asked God to help me and I believe he has disconnected the "dwell...waller in it....and the reflect" button and I am thankful, but today as I lay in the machine I think that this is the first time that I am really doing this "alone". I know I have my kids and my parents but I don't have "my person" and the tears began to roll. God is "my person" and always has been but some days you just need someone with flesh on them....today was one of those days. The start of turkey season was one of those days, that was supposed to be our time. I know that leaving was for the best and the only solution but I still miss my old life. You can't truly love someone and just turn the feelings off like a faucet, I can't anyway. I love the idea of belonging to someone. Today I felt alone, scared and unloved, and then I thought back and realized that I felt that same way before too, only there was someone sitting right beside me. So, I guess sometimes staying is worse than leaving.


"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Don’t let your mouth speak dishonestly, and don’t let your lips talk deviously. Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil." Proverbs 4:23-27