Out with the old, in with the new.

   Wow....so many things have happened since my last post. I will start with the death of my aunt Theresa. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed away a little over a month later. This was a huge blow, not only at the loss of her life which is so tragic, but the loss of another family member to this disease. It hit me as the ONLY living survivor in my family VERY hard! Like a Mack truck hard! God told me two years ago that I was NOT a statistic as I stared at my computer screen on breastcancer.org searching through stage 4 survivors stats wondering what my odds were based upon my staging, tumor size and number of positive lymph nodes. He told me then to fix my eyes on Him and quit looking at everyone else. It is hard but for the most part I do, until I lose yet another family member. It takes me back and not in a good way.
  In the midst of her illness and just days before her death I finally found a house in my budget with terms I could accept. I felt this house was from God. The owner's mother was a pink warrior whom lost the battle, she in fact is buried in the cemetery behind my home. Her daughter, a tender beautiful woman painted the bathroom of my home pink, burns a pink light in the front of the house and also like me, wears pink everyday in remembrance of her mom. The whole story is a God thing! The day after we had the visitation for my aunt, also behind my house at the funeral home, I signed the papers and moved in. The entire time the enemy is screaming at me that I am gonna be next and that they won't have to take me far since I already live behind the cemetery. What a filthy liar!
     News flash, I am NOT a statistic, I am not a product of a genetic or generational curse or abnormality. I am a warrior! I denounce any evil plot from the enemy to steal my life or my family or my children. I will not accept it! I am not just a pink warrior princess, I am a member of God's army. He has protected me, held my head up when I didn't have the strength to do it myself. He has carried me through the DARKEST days of my life and restored me. He continues to restore me daily. He sets me on my feet. I am sooo thankful for my savior, my friend Jesus Christ. His sacrifice on the cross set me free of sin, death and sickness. I do NOT have to accept cancer or disease. This is my testimony and I am to tell LOTS of women. Praise You God, for You are my redeemer!
   So, back to the house that God gave. I immediately knew I would host Jewels meetings here and maybe some Pink Princess activities, but I really had not caught the vision God had for this house when He gave it to me. He first had to reassure me that I was not given this house to die in it, this is part of the restoration process just like the car, my breasts, my smile, my heart. Okay, so now that know I am not coming here to die.....what do you want me to do with it God? I had been putting things away when I realized that in the last couple of moves I had downsized little by little and really have very little to store in my basement. What a HUGE space! What would I do with it?
    I  am unpacking and start to put my kids pics on the fridge with magnets like I always had. The magnets I had collected over the last few years were from the Kansas City Cancer Center and chemotherapy drug companies. As I begin to hang the photos of my beautiful kids I think "you should throw them away", but I didn't have anymore to replace them and wanted to hang the photos. So, I pressed on. I got the photos arranged perfectly and stood back to see my miracles surrounded by cancer. I knew before I placed them all I shouldn't have, but after they were there I KNEW that I KNEW that they were to go! I began to cry. God began to speak to me reminding me of the promises of life and all The times He told me to never look back. 
    I was on a mission after that to rid my new home of all things cancer. I found literature from when I was diagnosed, about the chemo, staging, and the likes. I found a shoe box full of drugs for nausea, steroids for allergic reactions, pain meds from post surgery, muscle relaxers for my tissue expander pain, neurontin for the nerve damage I had in my fingers and toes after chemo when I couldn't even feel my feet. I threw it all out! Honestly anything that remotely had anything to do with cancer I ditched. 
   And then there was the wigs......The wigs have always been so much fun for me. I LOVE THEM! I mean REALLY love them. I feel as though they are the most wonderful accessory one could have! I know it is NOT normal. Anyway, those are still hanging around. BUT, it felt sooo good to get rid of that stuff! Then it hit me.....the basement should be used for Team Pink Princess as a studio full of great clothes, accessories, make up, wigs and jewelry. Sounds awesome huh!? I started Team Pink with a superficial mission to help women restore their appearance, gain lost self esteem and look great! All great ideas, but not God's plan. He wants to restore from the inside out. He had not completed the work in me yet, I take longer than most in case you forgot. He and I had a long road to haul from the birth of TPP till now and I know that this is not the end either. Team Pink Princess will continue to evolve as I do in this process. 
    The next step for Team Pink Princess is to begin hosting Princess parties for those women just entering treatment, emerging from it or just needing a lift. I am hoping to have skincare, skin, hair and make up people, clothing and jewelry people as well as tattoo artists to help with nipple tattooing or restoration and or/permanent make up. I welcome all of you to help me get this project off the ground. I am also needing a contractor or construction person to help transform the basement into a Pink Princess studio, at this time it is a bare and unfinished basement. Thank you to all that support and love me. Your commitment and hearts are amazing! Thank you God, the God of new beginnings and restoration. The GREAT I AM!

Team Pink Princess 2012

What an amazing retreat! Wow, so I learned a TON on the first ever Pink Princess Retreat! Can't wait till the next one!  I feel so blessed to have had the experience and provide others with the same. I only wish we had had more survivors and more time to experience the area, the bonding, the "Never look back" ministry provided by Vicky Adkins and the list goes on! I will say that the activities were fun and exciting, too exciting for some;)  The whole premise of Team Pink Princess is moving beyond cancer whether that is a literal cancer or the kind that life and or bad decisions bring. It really is about closing the book on the past and beginning to live again. Many of you have seen the pictures of the survivors at the bluff overlooking the river bottom, that was a really cool place. That spot is where we each took a vessel filled with dirt, the dirt was full of many things for each person in attendance, and tossed, threw, shook and rid ourselves of the cancer, brokenness, sin, hurt....you name it we had it. Key word.....HAD! We all left cancer and all the rest of the stuff behind as we threw it over the side of the bluff down into the river. It was no longer a part of us or who we were meant to be. It was amazing to watch each of us as we emptied our vessels. We each has our own way, tossing it about at once, handful after handful at a time. Some of us were mad, others hurt, some happy it was finally over, one thing was for sure....there was not an dry eye in the crowd. We canoed, zip lined and hung out making s'mores at night while running away from skunks. We traded war stories, we prayed we sang, we loved and we even lost. We lost the people we in came as. We came in as Pink Warriors with battle wounds and scars that not only cancer had left but life too. The last day before we started home many of us were baptized in the Niangua River just outside Bennett Springs....always a dream of mine, not Vicky's but she was a sport! We brought the vessels to the water before the baptism and each washed them of the dirt residue that had been in them from the previous venture. The vessel was not just a place to store the dirt but it had symbolized us, each pink princess. We were now sparkling clean and without all of the junk that had been plaguing us since cancer and way before that.  I was amazed how each of us had come with needs, hurts, problems that to my surprise didn't have anything to do with cancer. Let me just say that God is so good. The ministry that took place is the forefront of what Team Pink Princess is. The activities and adventures that you will see from the organization in the future will be fun and exciting, but the "real deal" is the love of Jesus Christ and how His death on the cross free's of sin, gives eternal life and is the basis for healing for cancer and all other disease literal and figurative. So with that said,  I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to all that came out, donated, supported the fundraising events, bought T-shirts, bought flip flops for the next 5 or 10 retreats, sponsored survivors and assisted with airfare. I want to thank Vicky Adkins and Ashlee Meyer for the ministry and events that took place in regard to making each survivor feel at home, loved, and strengthened. You guys did an amazing job, I will tell you if you donated to this retreat in anyway there were many lives changed and many people that didn't even get to attend that have experienced breakthroughs through the survivors after they returned home. Until the next time remember.....Never look back, you're not going that way!

He knows me.

Here we are with less than 24 hours until Team Pink Princess becomes a reality and it is so sereal. I have been going non-stop since I was diagnosed, meeting goal after goal, milestone after milestone. Today my aunt came to my work to pick up some shirts as I walked back in my building I was reminded of her mother, my grandmother who died of cancer of the stomach lining when I was about 10 or 12. I remember grandma getting chemo and her wearing a scarf on her head. I never really knew the battle though or understood. What I do remember is my dad being out of town on a business trip and my grandma had declined or had a surgery or both. I remember going to the hospital with my other set of grandparents and seeing my dad's face after he came from her room. He had tears in his eyes and I don't remember ever seeing my dad cry before that day. My grandma died shortly after. I remember what I wore to her funeral, a turquoise dress and silver shoes. My grandma had never been to the ocean and my dad's trip had taken him to the beach. He placed a ziplock bag with sand in her casket at the funeral. That is my first memory of cancer. Cancer was the scariest word I had ever heard. Cancer equaled death. My grandpa on my moms side would die decades later of pancreatic cancer. It was also another death sentence. Everyone I had known that got cancer died, no one I knew had beat cancer, until me! I was the first one in my family to go to college. I am also the first one in my family to beat cancer! I have accomplished ALOT of firsts in my family and that is not to sing my own praises or toot my own horn. It is to say that I am thankful, I am privileged and favored by God! I love God with all my heart and long to do only His will. He has called me to share all He has done for me. He has given me a testimony to tell many women and this weekend is the begining! He has given me a beautiful, wonderful life starting with my three amazing children and awesome job, great friends and family. Thank you God for Your love and mercy endures forever! We have women arriving in less than 24 hours staggered throughout the day. I am cleaning my house, packing and praying. I know God has brought me to this and now it is finally time to tell my testimony to a few women. Many women are coming......they just don't know it yet. I have been asked to be featured on a program called Courageous Heart. It airs on a Christian television network that reaches over 70% of the world. I am so honored and blessed to be recognized with such an opportunity. This again is an example of favor, surrender, and faith. God told me that I had a testimony to tell many women BEFORE I was diagnosed. He didn't wait until I heard the word cancer to tell me. He told me months before. He knows me. He knows that cancer had taken those I love, He knew I would be scared, fearful and dismayed. He knows me. He knows I would have doubted that voice after the fact and that I needed that affirmation moments after being diagnosed too. He knows me. Thank you Lord that you know every intricate detail of my life and you love me anyway. You are my strong tower.

The ZONE

The month of July has significance due to the fact that it was two years ago this month that I was diagnosed. I am amazed that it has only been two years since that day. It would seem that I have lived two lifetimes since then, in fact I have. Before that day I was a selfish person that didn't always look outside of herself or immediate family for anything. Actually I had a false sense of security and very much lived in a fantasy world. I gave to my church, I helped others when asked, I took care of my own and that was REALLY it. Everything I felt I needed, I had at home in my children and family. I was way too comfortable and frankly just a fan of Jesus Christ, not a follower. That day two years ago in July when I got the dreaded phone call no one wants to get my life changed, turned upside down, shook up and spinning out of control or so I thought. I know that there will be some backlash from other survivors that feel that their life before cancer was superior to now with the effects of treatment, financial impact, family and relationship issues that manifest BUT my life is SO much better now than before cancer. Yes, menopause sucks, the surgeries and foobs suck, the medications and side effects suck! But I am alive! I am thankful and as crazy as it sounds I am thankful for the storm that was cancer. It changed my life! I wasn't really living the width of my life, only the path to the end. I needed to be shook up, I needed to look outside myself, my home, my community, my little world. Cancer was rough, but living the rest of my life comfortable and without that storm would have been a tragedy. I know that God has been growing me up really fast through this experience and the ones that followed. I can feel the call on my life become greater with each step and each obstacle. If I am obedient the first round we move forward, if I am dragging my feet, kicking and screaming we stand still. This is the rythm of my life and walk as a follower of Jesus Christ, all brought to you by cancer. Please don't mistake my candidness as an endorsement of cancer, in fact, I HATE cancer and what it does to the body as well as the spirit of all that it touches. I do know that it doesn't have to, as non compassionate as this sounds it is a choice. The choice occurs from the moment everything comes back into focus and the "I have cancer" fog lifts. Dr.Lehr referred to it as "The Zone". I haven't given him the credit or maybe even told him in much detail how powerful his words were, but now is as good a time as any. Dr.Lehr began treating me immediately after we received the mammogram results without a payor source, I had no insurance at the time. He was young and compassionate, had a wonderful team that included his wife, a nurse and father in law as partner. Anyway, we did the biopsy that confirmed the cancer, we immediately did the lumpectomy and node discetion that revealed cancer had invaded the lympnode x3. Until that day I thought Dr.Lehr was a great doc, but until we are about to head into the FIRST surgery of my life, he asked if he could pray....Now, he was a follower of Christ. I was in the right place! I also want to say that I had not REALLY accepted it, until they wheeled me down that day. In my already groggy state I saw the nurse carrying the clipboard with my name with the diagnosis of L breast cancer. Wow, how could I have cancer? I woke to Dr.Lehr explaining the findings, he said it was a golf ball size tumor and he cut wayyyyy around it to ensure clear margins, which he did. But he also said to me....." You don't have cancer anymore, I cut it out of you". I have stood on that since that day. Those words came from the GREAT physician via my physician. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Dr. Lehr, thank you for being you:) Love you guys! After the confirmation of lymphnode involvement chemo was a must, not an option. We came back to the drawing board and I knew I wanted to do the double mastectomy. He asked when I said ASAP. He said lets do it Monday I think this was a Thursday or Friday even....he said "Let's do this, your in the zone". Yes I was. I have been in the "zone" since. Kicking cancer out and never looking back! Praise God! I want every survivor of breast, as well as other cancers, ailments and just tough circumstances to do the same. This philisophy is what Team Pink Princess is all about. Cancer touched my life and that is it! It is done, it is finished. I don't have to keep dwelling on it, thinking about it, worrying about if it will come back. One, I am standing on the promise and power of the cross for divine healing that lasts forever. Two, I cannot add one day or minute or second to my life by worrying about it, in fact it is really bad for me! So, what to do?! I'll tell you what....believe God for my socks, let the love of Christ flow through me and my life that it might be pleasing to Him AND never look back. The Bible says in Joshua 1:2 "Moses my servant is dead, now then You and all these people get ready to cross the Jordan River." God wants us to keep our eyes fixed on him, not our circumstances, obstacles or our past, no matter how hard or painful it may be. Whether it is sin, disease, rough times the death of a loved one whatever it is, we MUST keep moving forward! We cannot get stuck in the past, the disease, the junk of this world. We must keep our gaze upon Him and eternity. We must live our life in "The Zone".

Team Pink Princess Retreat 2012

Heather Edwards Angst, Developer and Director of TEAM PINK PRINCESS, has a heart for helping breast cancer survivors move beyond diagnosis and treatment to find more fulfilling life in the present and for the future. A breast cancer survivor herself, Heather is developing TEAM PINK PRINCESS Retreats around the nation, starting right here near her home town of Lebanon, Missouri. Her desire is to ‘Knock Out Cancer’ and to offer encouragement, hope, and fabulous experiences in spectacular settings for breast cancer survivors and their families. We are looking for support for TEAM PINK PRINCESS. Would you like to join us? COSTS: SURVIVORS AND FAMILIES - $275.00/ PERSON (SPACE IS LIMITED ~ RESERVATIONS REQUIRED) We will be lodging in a beautiful rustic cabin at NRO Campground, located in the heart of Missouri, just off the Niangua River. The package includes: Accommodations for two days/nights stay * Meals * Ministry * Floating * Zip Lining * The Pink Princess Pamper Hour * TPP Bracelet Class * T-Shirt & Flip Flops! AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC ON SUNDAY ONLY!!! $75.00/Person RESERVATIONS REQUIRED Join the Survivors for a day of Zip Lining, Lunch or Dinner and Ministry! Help Us Do This!!! Order your Team Pink Princess T-shirt for a $20 donation! Guest Speaker: Vicky R. Adkins, Founder of Freedom in Jesus Christ Charitable Trust, Founder and Director of Jewels In The Mud, and ½ of the duo, Cool Breeze. Vicky is an author, singer/songwriter, recording artist and ordained minister. She currently has two published books, ONLY BELIEVE and UNSHAKABLE FAITH, and several cd projects which will be available for purchase at the Retreat. For more info, contact Heather at 816.645.1654 or email: heatherangst@yahoo.com. Tax deductible financial donations of any amount may be made to FREEDOM IN JESUS CHRIST CHARITABLE TRUST. Write TEAM PINK PRINCESS in the memo line of your check or money order and we will make sure you receive a donation receipt. Mail to FIJC Charitable Trust, c/o Vicky Adkins, 920 W. 27th St. S., Independence, MO 64052. No amount is too small…or too large! Thank you in advance for your support!

Team Pink Princess

Team Pink Princess is in full effect. I am so excited about all the recent revelations regarding it's mission, purpose, plans and events. I have been given the opportunity through breast cancer to expand my territory for the Kingdom though many avenues and Team Pink Princess may just be the largest. I have wrestled with the mission, the outreach, the purpose of Team Pink Princess for months. I apologize for the lag time, God's timing and mine aren't always in sync. Now it is time to reveal the plans, the purpose, the mission for Team Pink Princess and what you can do to help, support and or participate in. Are you ready? Let's do this!!!! Team Pink Princess is a multi fauceted organization that will be hosting retreats for breast cancer survivors. The premise of Team Pink Princess is different from many other breast cancer organizations. The mission for the organization is to help survivors move past and beyond breast cancer. It's mission is to provide healing and restoration to those either fighting the disease or emerging from it. After cancer we need emotional, as well as physical healing, to move past the disease. Cancer has been the largest challenge of my life and I am so blessed and thankful that God chose me to kick off this journey. I know this is what He meant that day when He said...."This is your testimony and you will tell a lot of women." Team Pink Princess, at this time will begin hosting weekend retreats starting this summer. I am working with several camp grounds in Missouri that have the capacity to hold LOTS of women. I am hammering out all of the details in the upcoming weeks, but plans are firming up quickly and I believe by the 1st of June I will have some dates, agendas and pricing. The retreats will host speakers, authors and someday soon high profile survivors. Remember we are in the infancy stage. All I know is that God has revealed tiny pieces of what this is for months and in the last week the curtain is coming up! Retreats include canoeing, zip lining, fishing and even possibly hunting. They will include ministry specific to moving past breast cancer and other challenges in life. The premise is to get away for a weekend with other survivors, be inspired by the outdoors, face some fear with some physical challenges such as zip lining. I am terrified of heights but if we can kick cancers butt....we can zip line. Who's with me? Before cancer I was afraid of many things heights, bridges, planes....after cancer I say bring on the challenges! I am no longer afraid! I am no longer paralyzed by cancer either or the fear of it. I refuse to give cancer any power over me. I refuse to let cancer " define me". Love you Dara:) And neither should you! Team Pink princess will emerge soon with a website clean ore clear cut objectives, goals, and also opportunities for those that want to donate time, money and efforts. I hope that you will think about your role in the organization. If God tugs at your heart to either donate a scholarship for a survivor, to attend a retreat or maybe volunteer to help with a canoe or hunting trip please let me know. There will be many opportunities to support Team Pink Princess so please continue to lift me and this organization up in prayer that God would lead us in the way He would have it function. Also, I have no idea about the inner workings of an organization such as this, whether to be for profit, not for profit etc. Any legal advise as well as accounting would be greatly appreciated!!! I love you all and thank you for supporting me through and past this journey. Now it's time we start helping some other Pink Princesses. Go Team Pink Princess!!!! Let's do this!!!!

It's not about me.

 I am not sure if this is the first time you have happened on my blog or if you have been a follower through the whole journey but either way thank you for stopping. Here is a little recap of what has been going on in my life since my 2010 diagnosis. First things first....Prior to me finding out I had cancer I asked God to almost daily enlarge my territory for the Kingdom. I had actually forgot about that until recently. During that period I got divorced, got involved in a less than Godly relationship and had a child. Six months after giving birth, while breast feeding my son I discovered the dent. I was diagnosised at 35 with invasive ductal carcinoma. I was devastated. My life was already out of the will of God and submerged in sin and I knew it, now cancer. 4 surgeries, 5 months of chemotherapy, 33 radiation treatments and life long hormone suppression were to follow.  I only told you this to tell you that although I came to Christ at a young age, went to church off and on throughout my life I had no relationship. I would get on fire for God and then walk away. I will tell you that none of those experiences compare to the relationship I have with Christ now. I had been taught about the love of God and the fear of God especially if when He returned I was dancing or at a movie theater. I was raised in religion, not relationship. And I had picked up some relationship along the way not on my own, I believe it was all God and Holy Spirit penetrating my heart for the call on my life later. God knew I would never be ready at the rate I was going, spiritual maturity....what was that?  Fast forward to the storm before the storm, God had already told me that I had a testimony and I was going to tell a lot of women before I was diagnosed. I wondered what about my messed up life could God use to help other women. Then within five minutes after the fateful phone call God spoke to me again saying the same words. In a tiny bathroom while I sat on the toilet crying, wondering how and who would care for my children if I died God spoke again, just as He had about 6 or 8 months prior. I knew now what He meant. I still didn't see that this would expand my territory as I had asked Him to do time and time again.  Through cancer, through tough things, through loss God reveals His power and presence if we let Him. For some it doesn't take a trial, a loss, a cancer to get them to seek God's face but for folks like me it takes a 2x4. In that physically and mentally weakened state I found out who God really was, not because I was scared to die but because He though cancer got my full attention. I developed a relationship with Him. I continue to learn daily again, I am a work in progress. I can go through the list for you, but if I could sum it all up it would be that God is my first love, my passion, my heart, my everything!  Most of what I knew about the Bible and God I learned in church as a child. So, as an adult woman I began to read His word, talk to Him about everything and I mean everything. There is NO subject taboo from my God. He is my father and all that means. He has taught me not to limit our relationship by taking Him out when I have a need and put Him up when things are good again. That is how our relaionship had been much of my life, oh how I had shortchanged Him and myself. My life now is much different. My relationship with God is the center of my life, everything else is just icing on the cake. My family and children The BEST, my job...I love, my ministry serving women and God is awesome, the territory God has expanded for Him through cancer is amazing but NOTHING compares to Him. I find that all of these things, the people even are gifts from Him to me.   God knew I was going to get cancer, he didn't cause it but everything in my life passes through His hands. So He knew it, He allowed it for His purpose and my life's purpose. So can I be bitter or angry at Him? No, in fact He allowed something bad to change me for His work. He gave me territory for work and "mine" for Him, not in the way I wanted. I wanted to serve the poor at a soup kitchen, teach Sunday school, anything but cancer !!!! How could that get me to where I wanted to go?  Again, NOT about me.  As many of you know I read The Purpose Driven Life and it addresses God's plan and purpose for our life. The entire premise of this book to me can be summed up in four words.....it's not about me. God's plan, God's purpose will prevail over our desire, our will, our life. The sooner we see that we can't control anything, the easier it becomes to be obedient to the one who does!!!!!!! Can i get an Amen!!!!!! I have to go back to today's post now that I have taken you through the long way around....just like me always.    Anyway, today on Facebook I posted a status that read.....Be obedient to God and His favor will be so great that you won't be able to contain all the blessings in your life. Amen. Sign me up!!!!! This sparked some debate about what some would see as "Prosperity gospel". I had not heard that term before, but got the just of it. Some thought that I was referring to possessions or not possessions, but just that I was preaching something like....If you walk with God everything will be rosy and you will have no worries? I think based upon responses that was some of the comments and the other was that being I shouldn't just be in a relationship with God for what I could "get" out of it. Well, I had to work today and didn't get to reply but the conversation went on and on very respectfully but with definite differences in opinions or interpretations of what the Word says.   Remember you are reading a post from a 36 year old women than believes ALL of the Bible. She still has that child like faith that takes her to the throne for ALL the anwsers in this life. She believes the signs and miracles for today not just in the old testament. She knows He is still doing miracles because she has seen them first hand. She believes He is her healer, her deliver, Her Savior, her father, her bridegroom, her strong tower, her protector, her KING! She worships and talks to Him all thought the day, not always asking Him for things but praising Him for all He is and all He has done! Does this girl believe He died for her sin, yep. Her healing, yep. Her place in eternity, yep.  So, this girl that wants ONLY the will of God in her life so badly that it trumps her own needs and desires, for the most part, Keep in mind she is human. She wanted a new car, her old one is a clunker and has no air conditioning but her prayer was God if it isn't ur will don't let it happen and at the last minute the interest rate becomes 22%. So she walks from the car. This girl wants a husband, but not just any husband. She wants and waits for a Godly man. One that has kids, doesn't want more kids, doesn't smoke and LOVES the water. This is just the short list of course.... My point is that I trust God for my socks.  Do I believe that I gain favor or blessings by being obedient? You bet I do. All things come together for good to those that love the Lord. How many of you tithe? If you tithe you know the sacrifice you make giving that portion to God that you could use for other things or just to pay bills or buy groceries with? Even though it is ALL God's money anyway, but you know what I mean. Are there times when you tithe knowing that if you do you won't be able to pay this bill or that? Have you ever when obeying God with your tithes and offering been hungry or had the lights shut out? I haven't. My obedience to God is honored by Him by the way He takes care of my needs. He knows when I am obedient and it hurts my flesh yet I still do it. He knows what we go through, He was tempted with it all. My obedience to God is not out of fear as it was growing up stuck in religion and not in relationship. My obedience nowadays is because I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my father. He is the BOMB!    The relationship I have when we talk and I worship him for who He is and what He did for all of us. It is not about me, it is about Him. So, now that we know that my spiritual relationship while still young and fresh is not perfect, is pure. I don't have a relationship with God for what I can get from Him, BUT how can you have a relationship with God and not talk about all He has done for you. How He has enriched your life to the point that you can't contain it! You want to tell everyone about it. And you want them to know how good He is and how easy it is to come to Him and leave that broken life behind. How awesome it is to know that He cares so much about us that he takes care of every need we may have and then some if we are obedient to Him and keep His commands.  Does that mean that living a Godly, Holy life should look like a poverished life, a downtrodden life, a less than everything He died to give me life.....NOPE! Does that mean possesions, for some people yes. Does that mean a large ministry, for some people yes. Does that mean joy unspeakable and full of glory attitude for all that are His children? The anwser should be YES!!! With or without STUFF! Does living a life with God in the cockpit ensure that you won't have a rough ride? Nope, but it does mean that anything and everything that happens good and bad He knew about and allowed. I know my part is this alone is to "Keep your eyes fixed on me, Heather. You are not a statistic. Don't look at this or that, just keep your eyes on Me." Love, Jesus.

How much do you trust me?

    Wow....what can I say about the last few weeks, but they have been HARD!!!! I really can't describe the intense fear I have battled, except to say that the last time I felt this out of control was when I awaited the phone call from the biopsy. That paralyzing fear is straight from the pit of hell! I know I am a follower of Christ and that I believe EVERYTHING in this Bible cover to cover. So, why when faced with a scan or test do I become fearful? It is human, it is natural, it is FLESH! I die to my flesh in every area daily as any christian does. It is a choice and I have really been fighting the good fight in every area of my life when it comes to sin, far from perfect, but have rid my life from much bondage and sin recently. Still a work in progress folks......!
   Since diagnosis I have cringed at the thought of the cancer returning. It had consumed a small area of my life that I try to keep in check until the next doctor appointment or symptom of this or that, it continued to grow larger and larger and always seemed to be the elephant in the room. When planning events such as buying a new car, moving to a house, thinking to the future at all, it was there.....hanging around. I allowed it! I know God's will for my life and know the words He has spoken into my life and over me, I believe them with every fiber in my body. RIGHT?! But the enemy says....What if I didn't hear Him right? What if it was just wishful thinking? Don't get me wrong I believe that salvation, healing, restoration and everything else GOOD comes from God and works in the lives of others everyday. No problems there, but when it is you in the hot seat...what do you believe? How much do you trust me, Heather?
  Total dependence on God has been...well, let's just say....not exactly my strong suite. I believe it 100 percent, but this type A still wants control....HA!!! I laugh, but the struggle is REAL folks and many of you reading can relate. So, having cancer MADE me become dependant on Him and I still have remained that way to a certain degree. I do have some periods of grander when I think I can do anything apart from Him. Oh, how hard headed I must be. He is the vine and I am the branches, I cannot do anything apart from Him.....ahhhh haaaaa!
  Recently God revealed to me about a time many years ago when I was married and still living in Lebanon I bought a devotional book on The Prayer of Jabez. This book was amazing and I began to ask God to expand my territory like Jabez. I had no idea how that would happen but I knew I wanted to minister to others about the Love of Christ. I was still a mess and my life would become even more so in the years to come, but I had asked God to expand my territory not knowing what or how He would do that. Fast forward to the fall before I got diagnosed, I was in turmoil in my personal life living out of the will of God and in sin. I cried out to God and asked him to help me. I sought out help from my pastors wife and told her that God had told me that I had a testimony and that I was going to tell a lot of women and I had no idea what that would be about except what a mess up and failure I was, but never cancer. As many of you know, within fifteen minutes of getting the results of my biopsy the Lord spoke to me again telling me this was my testimony and I was going to tell a lot of women. So, I knew that I would live to beat cancer. I didn't know how cancer would impact my walk with Christ or how it would prepare me for the next level God wanted to take me to.
  Few people know that I battled panic attacks for years. I refused the medications and just began forcing myself to do things I was fearful of, except flying but it is coming soon. I was scared to drive on the highway at times, I thought I was going to die every single day of some random ailment. I had everything and NOTHING!! So, when cancer came knocking it was the most dreaded, fearful experience of my life. But I did it! I had four surgeries, five months of chemo, thirty three radiation treatments, chemical induced menopause. UGH!!!! Must I go on......! Anyway, I faced down that fear of dying and knew that I could do anything as long as I was allowed to live. And here we go again....another test "looking" for cancer and I have been shaken. Look what happened last time? Right?
    First let me say that I have been loving my life most recently and feeling like for a while now that I am in the will of God. I am believing Him for everything and knowing that He will provide. He has been growing my faith in Him through situation after situation. It hasn't been easy, baby steps is how I would describe it. God gave me a vision of myself being dragged through the grocery store and I am kicking and screaming like a 2 year old and thus is the story of my life recently. I have been growing up so fast in every area of my life in preparation for the Jewels in the Mud ministry, as well as team Pink Princess. Thank You God, I know you mean it all for good but it is SOOOOO hard! So, this pet scan is again the ONE area, my soft spot, that the enemy has held over my head since diagnosis to keep me bound, keep me worried, steal my joy and peace. BUT....not anymore!!!!!!
  God died on the cross for my sin, therefore I am saved. No brainer!  I ask Him to forgive me and He does and I am thankful! He also died for my sickness and disease, His body was broken that I might be healed. I believe that people get healed everyday, I believe that through faith, just like the kind that I have for salvation. I believe that for me too, Praise God!!!!! I also believe that God rose again and that death also has NO power over me, when I die I will be in heaven with Jesus forever and ever. I just don't wanna go now. I have a lot to live for....three beautiful children, a job I love.... finally, so many beautiful things happening in my life through Jewels in the Mud and Team Pink Princess to follow. My testimony, my story is JUST about to be told to "A LOT of women". So, is cancer the will of God for my life? I don't think so!
  While waiting for the results of the pet scan I have been counseled and prayed for by many loving people that have encouraged, uplifted me. Thank you all! Vicky especailly, you have rocked this like NO OTHER!!! You all have had a hand in my peace, my strength and my walk through this storm. I love you all! Today at church I went up for the second time since the storm began to get prayed for by a couple on the prayer team. She told me that during the service she saw someone in a storm...big or huge I think is the words she said....and they were clinging to the cross. She then says she believes it is me. Now I am scared!!!! She prays and afterward she tells me that God says for me to fix my eyes on Him, which He has told me before and also to be still.....be still is not news to me...he has been telling me that for years now...I must learn to listen! And that I will be delivered from this storm! Her husband then looks at me and says in God's timing and also to keep doing what I am doing. Praise God!
   I believe I am in the storm already, maybe there is a bigger one on the horizon I don't know, but God does! So, immediately the enemy says....yep...it's the cancer. It's back! Well, I have not received the pet scan results yet and I do know that the devil is a LIAR  and ONLY comes to kill, steal and destroy. I refuse to believe ONE word he says. He has had me trapped in fear of the unknown since diagnosis, no more. Fear is no longer an option.
  God has already told me through someone else not to believe the doctors report, whether that is for the last report that prompted the scan or any report including the scan I don't know. It is really irrelevant. I don't know what the scan says, but whatever it is I know that God already knew and has spoken through others that I will be delivered. I will either be delivered of the fear the enemy has held over my head through a clean scan report or I will be reminded once again that God is bigger than the storm and that He is and will always be my DELIVERER and all I have to do is just fix my eyes on him and keep doing what I am doing and He will work out the rest! Praise God!

  As I lay in the pet scan tube Wednesday for over a half hour I prayed out loud to the Lord. I spoke His name hundreds of times describing Him as my father, my savior, my strong tower, my friend, my strength, my redeemer, my healer, my life, my love, my everything! I don't know what storm is coming or if I am in it right now, but I am approaching the water with the faith and knowledge that my best friend, my savior, my father calms the storm and walks on the water. He will deliver me!

                                          My Deliverer http://youtu.be/EIWm13zeyTs

  

All eyes are on you Lord

     Wow, what a difference a month or two make.....time heals all wounds. I believe that is partially true, but God has helped me heal a great deal almost overnight because I BEGGED him to. No, seriously I did at one point I didn't think I was gonna make it my heart hurt so badly. Broken hearts are God's specialty and I needed a lot of healing. I won't go into where I was in my life, but it was a dead end. The end.

   I have always loved romantic movies and I longed for my life to be a fairytale, like in the Notebook. What a crock of crap that movie is right? I know, it is one of my favorites. But I did believe that "Love" was everything, having that "so in love feeling" was pretty high on my priority list. I did love the idea of being in love for sure, but more than that I was co dependant. UGH! Did I say that out loud? Yep, I am Heather and for 36 years, I have been in love with being " in love". I watched Celebrity Rehab and have only identified with one celeb...Yep, Rachel Uchitel , the laughing stock of the rehab center. Rachel was also addicted to

"LOVE" and we all know where that got her and Tiger Woods. My story kinda similar, but without the money.

   Anyway, I had to face the fact that this was where I was and where did I go from there? I started back to the beginning....everything begins in HIM. Yep, my best friend JESUS. I asked him to help me, guide me, love me, provide for me....anything I needed I asked Him for. He has been providing all of my needs and growing me up super fast. I have been a baby christian most of my life....what about me....look at me.... help me!!! ME, ME, ME!!! WOW, I know He knows my frame and that I am just dust, but WOW! I know He shakes His head at me several times a day just like my earthly father does. I have to give Him props for saving, sabotaging, thwarting, blowing up any potential problem I cause or get into. I don't remember having this much grace provided to me or maybe I just was to immature to see the plan. He has swiped away many of the things that I thought I NEEDED to feel secure. Money for instance, gone.....How much do you trust me Heather? WOW....that one was TOUGH! But in that I am learning that if I am unable to trust him for this or that and have to figure something out apart from Him I am really not trusting His plan or Him at all!!!! See, I am growing up! Not sure if I have made it to the two year old room but I am on my way:)

    I have been struggling with a mission statement and content for my Team Pink Princess website. I know that I am still impacting other survivors each day in my job, church, facebook but I really wanted to start my own outreach through the website. I wanted it to have links to events, workshops, products and be filled with followers that were dealing with the same issues. I can only tell you my vision was for a "ROCK STAR" line of merchandise for breast cancer survivors and supporters. This was NOT going to be your grandma's breast cancer site. There are so many young women facing this disease and the challenges of it. I wanted to EMPOWER them! I still do but never came up with THE PERFECT mission, business plan and or website content. I am still pursuing it just not hard core. It is still coming soon.

    But since settling into my new job which I absolutely LOVE, I reconnected with my friend, confidant, and life coach, Mrs.Vicky Adkins. She is a beautiful christian that has a testimony that will knock your socks off. She also sings like an angel which I seem to forget because she is so full of GOD that I just soak her up like a sponge and never ask her to sing for me. She and I had a chance meeting last year and have kept in touch off and on, but the first meeting I has with her changed my life forever. The words she spoke into my life that day was a turning point. But like everything in the world that is HEATHER it took me almost another 6 months to figure it out. Again Jesus with the eye roll:) She said that God told her to be so transparent about her life, past, future, feelings, everything, that when people saw her they would only see HIM. WOW, that was amazing! I am the first born, daddy's little girl, center of the universe girl. How could someone change the way they look, dress, talk, walk, everything to be so transparent people would only see GOD? How would that work?

   Well, I will be the first to tell you that it doesn't come easy but after learning just a year prior through cancer and it's superficial train robbery of my womanhood it was easier than I thought. It is a gradual progression. I had been hit below the belt when cancer knocked on my door. Everything I viewed as beautiful was ripped away. I was bald, flat chested and bloated from the steroids. I was outwardly ugly in my book but inside I had changed so much I was so caught up in God and stronger than ever before. But still transparent? I was just about to get my boobs back, my hair back. I was ready to EMBRACE that womanhood again with a thankfulness I hadn't had before, of course.

  I have bleached, colored, cut and bleached, colored and cut again and still had about the same length of hair I had 6 most post treatment. I was still wearing wigs, they are...were my security blanket. They make me feel BEAUTIFUL! I know silly, it is just faux hair. Hey we all have our vice and mine is synthetic hair! So, in walks Vicky to my life we catch up in 3.2 seconds and then we start talking shop about my website my plans or lack of plans when she tells me what God has placed on her heart. Jewels in the Mud was born.

    Jewels in the Mud....there is definitely some symbolism there huh? I was still in the MUD! I was climbing out but still had one foot in, scared to step out totally in faith and let go and let God! I said I am on board...anything to get my story out to other women hurt and broken from this disease. I was ready, and then I was not....Really? Am I good enough to minister or help or share with others? I am still dealing with X,Y and Z! I want to but God are you sure? Yes, Heather....I know you and I know that you are just dust. I made you. Okay....and you want me to tell them everything? Transparent is see through, crystal clear, no smoke and mirrors, no wigs....NO WIGS! But Vicky...did God really mean NO WIGS! UGH!!!!!!!! God are you you sure?

   As the weeks past and the few meetings have come and gone God has been working on me it would seem in every area of my life...testing me, trying me and I have failed more than once I tell ya. But his grace has been sufficient and his mercy is new each day. I have been fighting a battle on every front I feel that any one of these fights just weeks prior would have towered me and now I am in this battle where I am fighting 5 or 6 things...I swear I am not exaggerating! and yet I am still here! God is so good! But with these battles raging in me and Vicky whom is leading this venture, as well as our third spoke Shelly, we know that God has something in store that is HUGE!The enemy is MAD and trying everything to destroy it. I am so excited ! I have reached out to a few "jewels" that God has placed in my life to join me in this venture ministering God's love to the hurting. I can't wait to see this group multiply in other areas of the city as well as the state and maybe someday the nation.

     Back to the whole addicted to LOVE...I talked to Vicky very candidly about my relationships and my need to be "IN LOVE". At the first meeting of Jewels in the Mud she presented me with a ring on my left hand that God had told her to give me and told me that He was my bridegroom. I wept. God couldn't use me for his purpose if I was drowning in another person only in the oneness could He show me what I needed to know. He is preparing me for his purpose and for that journey I must have all eyes on Him.

                                                            All eyes are on you Lord!

                                                        http://youtu.be/P8du_xWWt8E