Since diagnosis I have cringed at the thought of the cancer returning. It had consumed a small area of my life that I try to keep in check until the next doctor appointment or symptom of this or that, it continued to grow larger and larger and always seemed to be the elephant in the room. When planning events such as buying a new car, moving to a house, thinking to the future at all, it was there.....hanging around. I allowed it! I know God's will for my life and know the words He has spoken into my life and over me, I believe them with every fiber in my body. RIGHT?! But the enemy says....What if I didn't hear Him right? What if it was just wishful thinking? Don't get me wrong I believe that salvation, healing, restoration and everything else GOOD comes from God and works in the lives of others everyday. No problems there, but when it is you in the hot seat...what do you believe? How much do you trust me, Heather?
Total dependence on God has been...well, let's just say....not exactly my strong suite. I believe it 100 percent, but this type A still wants control....HA!!! I laugh, but the struggle is REAL folks and many of you reading can relate. So, having cancer MADE me become dependant on Him and I still have remained that way to a certain degree. I do have some periods of grander when I think I can do anything apart from Him. Oh, how hard headed I must be. He is the vine and I am the branches, I cannot do anything apart from Him.....ahhhh haaaaa!
Recently God revealed to me about a time many years ago when I was married and still living in Lebanon I bought a devotional book on The Prayer of Jabez. This book was amazing and I began to ask God to expand my territory like Jabez. I had no idea how that would happen but I knew I wanted to minister to others about the Love of Christ. I was still a mess and my life would become even more so in the years to come, but I had asked God to expand my territory not knowing what or how He would do that. Fast forward to the fall before I got diagnosed, I was in turmoil in my personal life living out of the will of God and in sin. I cried out to God and asked him to help me. I sought out help from my pastors wife and told her that God had told me that I had a testimony and that I was going to tell a lot of women and I had no idea what that would be about except what a mess up and failure I was, but never cancer. As many of you know, within fifteen minutes of getting the results of my biopsy the Lord spoke to me again telling me this was my testimony and I was going to tell a lot of women. So, I knew that I would live to beat cancer. I didn't know how cancer would impact my walk with Christ or how it would prepare me for the next level God wanted to take me to.
Few people know that I battled panic attacks for years. I refused the medications and just began forcing myself to do things I was fearful of, except flying but it is coming soon. I was scared to drive on the highway at times, I thought I was going to die every single day of some random ailment. I had everything and NOTHING!! So, when cancer came knocking it was the most dreaded, fearful experience of my life. But I did it! I had four surgeries, five months of chemo, thirty three radiation treatments, chemical induced menopause. UGH!!!! Must I go on......! Anyway, I faced down that fear of dying and knew that I could do anything as long as I was allowed to live. And here we go again....another test "looking" for cancer and I have been shaken. Look what happened last time? Right?
First let me say that I have been loving my life most recently and feeling like for a while now that I am in the will of God. I am believing Him for everything and knowing that He will provide. He has been growing my faith in Him through situation after situation. It hasn't been easy, baby steps is how I would describe it. God gave me a vision of myself being dragged through the grocery store and I am kicking and screaming like a 2 year old and thus is the story of my life recently. I have been growing up so fast in every area of my life in preparation for the Jewels in the Mud ministry, as well as team Pink Princess. Thank You God, I know you mean it all for good but it is SOOOOO hard! So, this pet scan is again the ONE area, my soft spot, that the enemy has held over my head since diagnosis to keep me bound, keep me worried, steal my joy and peace. BUT....not anymore!!!!!!
God died on the cross for my sin, therefore I am saved. No brainer! I ask Him to forgive me and He does and I am thankful! He also died for my sickness and disease, His body was broken that I might be healed. I believe that people get healed everyday, I believe that through faith, just like the kind that I have for salvation. I believe that for me too, Praise God!!!!! I also believe that God rose again and that death also has NO power over me, when I die I will be in heaven with Jesus forever and ever. I just don't wanna go now. I have a lot to live for....three beautiful children, a job I love.... finally, so many beautiful things happening in my life through Jewels in the Mud and Team Pink Princess to follow. My testimony, my story is JUST about to be told to "A LOT of women". So, is cancer the will of God for my life? I don't think so!
While waiting for the results of the pet scan I have been counseled and prayed for by many loving people that have encouraged, uplifted me. Thank you all! Vicky especailly, you have rocked this like NO OTHER!!! You all have had a hand in my peace, my strength and my walk through this storm. I love you all! Today at church I went up for the second time since the storm began to get prayed for by a couple on the prayer team. She told me that during the service she saw someone in a storm...big or huge I think is the words she said....and they were clinging to the cross. She then says she believes it is me. Now I am scared!!!! She prays and afterward she tells me that God says for me to fix my eyes on Him, which He has told me before and also to be still.....be still is not news to me...he has been telling me that for years now...I must learn to listen! And that I will be delivered from this storm! Her husband then looks at me and says in God's timing and also to keep doing what I am doing. Praise God!
I believe I am in the storm already, maybe there is a bigger one on the horizon I don't know, but God does! So, immediately the enemy says....yep...it's the cancer. It's back! Well, I have not received the pet scan results yet and I do know that the devil is a LIAR and ONLY comes to kill, steal and destroy. I refuse to believe ONE word he says. He has had me trapped in fear of the unknown since diagnosis, no more. Fear is no longer an option.
God has already told me through someone else not to believe the doctors report, whether that is for the last report that prompted the scan or any report including the scan I don't know. It is really irrelevant. I don't know what the scan says, but whatever it is I know that God already knew and has spoken through others that I will be delivered. I will either be delivered of the fear the enemy has held over my head through a clean scan report or I will be reminded once again that God is bigger than the storm and that He is and will always be my DELIVERER and all I have to do is just fix my eyes on him and keep doing what I am doing and He will work out the rest! Praise God!
As I lay in the pet scan tube Wednesday for over a half hour I prayed out loud to the Lord. I spoke His name hundreds of times describing Him as my father, my savior, my strong tower, my friend, my strength, my redeemer, my healer, my life, my love, my everything! I don't know what storm is coming or if I am in it right now, but I am approaching the water with the faith and knowledge that my best friend, my savior, my father calms the storm and walks on the water. He will deliver me!
My Deliverer http://youtu.be/EIWm13zeyTs
