Hello...it's me" BOOBS" again.

      Now that chemo is coming to a close and I am nearing the next leg of this journey my thoughts have been consumed with boobs. My old ones, my new ones, different sizes, shapes and all of the surgeries that it requires to get an achieved looked, if there is one after a modified radical mastectomy on my left side and prophylactic on the right. Delaying reconstruction was not my idea but my oncologist, that is in the business of saving lives, not boobs or other spare parts. I have done everything by protocol since diagnosis, including delaying reconstruction in favor of the most aggressive treatment as soon as possible. I have no regrets at this point but as a woman I miss my breasts.
    I was breast feeding Colt when I was diagnosed and had to wean him in three days before surgery, hardest thing I have ever had to do. Having said all that.... Let's be REAL I had "mom boobs" after three pregnancies, breast feeding and just age- they had some issues but they were mine. I have been looking at pictures of my old boobs to take with me to the plastic surgeon and having a pity party for myself.  BEFORE you say anything....I know they are just boobs and don't make the woman anymore than clothes make the man, but I am struggling. The reconstruction photos at even the BEST surgeons are less than perfect. I see the scars that run across my flat chest everyday and although I knew I wasn't going to love the way reconstruction would look I knew I still wanted reconstruction.
   It is a personal choice and now at this point I know why women don't choose to reconstruct. One, we are too flippin' worn out after chemo, radiation, CANCER in general. Two, more surgeries after being through 3 already I dread another 3 to complete the process Three, what they could look like with no breast tissue to hide the implant is often scary. There are so many issues, such as will I have enough skin to achieve the size or shape I desire? Will they look natural or like something out of alien flick? I have seen too many of those type to count. Not to mention the debate about implants period, do they cause cancer?  Do they inhibit imaging? It is all A LOT to consider. I will be having reconstruction but what type ? The two step expander surgery....who knows? I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of consulting these next few weeks. My radiation is supposed to begin within 10 weeks after chemo to achieve the most benefit.
    So, surgery in the next month or two to be what my radiation oncologist calls "fully expanded" before we begin radiation therapy 30 something treatments to kill any cancer cells at the tumor or skin site that may have been left after surgery. Clear margins both times but don't want to take a chance:) Radiation can cause capsular contrature of my expander or implant making the skin and implant hard, thus hurting appearance and causing other issues. So, the newest, most favorable outcomes to date are those that have expander placement then radiation but the risk is still 50/50. Once again, I am trusting God to lead me to the right surgeon and to give me the most desirable reconstruction possible.
    As I look through the photos of what I thought was a healthy body realizing now I was growing a cancer in my breast, I am still sad and somewhat grieving. I wasn't Bo Derek in a swimsuit but I did take care of the body that God gave me and tonight...... I am sad. I am so thankful to be alive and so thankful for all of the blessings I have in my life but as a woman, I am grieving my breasts. I am taking comfort in a post from one of my sisters in the Ta Ta sisterhood  that goes......Yes, they are FAKE the REAL ones tried to kill me:)