Dear God, it's me H.....:)

      WOW.....how my life has changed since last year this time. Last year I this time I had a newborn baby. Changing diapers, sleepless nights, and breast feeding my little angel was all my days consisted of. What a great time that was, I miss that time. My life was predestined, I was going to get married, have another baby, and I was going to look good doing it. I love fashion, clothes, purses, hair, all that is outward shallow beauty, I am still that person, but different. That person is trapped in a boob less body with a GI Jane hair cut, not exactly cover of Vogue to say the least. My vanity has been put on the back burner throughout this journey, cause...... what can you do? I wanted to live no matter how disfigured I felt.
    Seeing this journey almost halfway through and all downhill from now, I am getting VERY excited to get back to looking like myself. Confidence and  beauty are from the inside I KNOW!! But boobs and hair are looking pretty awesome as of late. I have 4 treatments left and then surgery to get my groove back on, I mean my boobs back on. LOL! I am so excited, I am scheduling consultations with some plastics docs this week. I am anxious to see some magic be done in the operating room, CANNOT WAIT!!!! I know it will be another challenge with restrictions for a while but I need something GOOD at this point, especially since rads are to follow for 30 something grueling days. Final implant exchange surgery will be done 3-6 months later. YEAR OF TEARS, so true. My journey pending no complications from the rads, which my radiation oncologist seems to think we will avoid, Please PRAY!!! will be about a year and a half.
    I have been entertaining the thoughts of going back to work for a while or volunteering at a nursing home, or helping other survivors. I want to THRIVE!!!! So, I have been applying for a few weeks just for the heck of it and have had no call backs or interviews. I am excellent at what I do, so I just kind of gave up, then I got a phone call for an interview. Went and  it went excellent despite my wig and powdered in eyebrows. I didn't tell them about my cancer yet. It was a panel interview and all were young women so I think they knew I was wearing a wig, but no questions. They seemed interested but as I drove off.... again I asked God that if it is his will for me and I am physically well enough for this job I was ready, but ONLY if it was him and not something I was trying to make happen.
    As I sat in chemo today I got a call back , they want to visit with me again, YEAH!!!! I am BLESSED and FAVORED!!!! Praise you GOD you are so good. I know it isn't a done deal but I do feel like God is working and opening doors that I may or may not be ready for. I guess if he thinks I am I really am !!! I will, if offered the job tell them I will be needing a week off within the next two months for surgery and I will have to schedule my chemo for a Saturday or Sunday, or maybe an evening? So, a lot of new happenings here. New home, maybe new job, new boobs.....things are looking up:) LOL!
   Where I am in my life one year later is disheartening and maybe that is wrong thinking. Some days I look at cancer as an opportunity to draw and develop a closer relationship with God, and give me a greater appreciation for life and how I want to spend the rest of mine. On other days I feel that it stole so much from me I just want to forget it and live like it never happened. I know that out of this horrible experience I have been molded and sharpened for a greater opportunity. Not sure if it means helping other survivors by doing a  "Look good, Feel good" program to aid in the cosmetic challenges of this journey, which would be very rewarding or maybe founding a breast cancer survivor group at our church or maybe something else?  I am looking forward to fulfilling the promise that God gave me before I was ever diagnosed and on the loo the day I was told I had cancer. This is your testimony and you will tell lots of women your story. PRAISE YOU GOD!!!!! By your stripes, we are healed.

Dear God, I  want to thank you for the opportunities that you give me to tell my story to others almost daily,  including my beautiful daughter and her sweet friend Andrea this weekend. I hope that the talks we had about breast cancer and the vision of the scars on my chest would spark them to do self exams and live a healthy lifestyle. Above all let my life be a living testimony to you and your glory, thank you again for always holding me throught my life and on the darkest days:) Love, H

This is what it feels like to be held.......This song has been very special to me through this journey, but as I posted it tonight I want to say that it reminded me of a high school friend that lost her beautiful daughter last year suddenly. Jenny, I love you and hope that you know that I think of you often and want to dedicate this song to you:) God bless you and your family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP6T1bJEO6Y