Moving past the big "C"

    Moving past cancer has been more difficult than I thought in many ways and easier than I thought in others. The way I think has certainly changed, having had cancer has made me more aware than ever of my own mortality. It has also made me aware of the things I can do to improve my chances of living a long life and not dying from heart disease let alone breast cancer like diet, exercise etc. The physical changes to my body such as the scars from my surgeries, new foobs and the last five pounds that I cannot kick seem to phase me less than I thought. I have always taken care of myself and appearance was soooo very important to me. Don't get me wrong I still take care of myself but my worth and value is NOT based on how I look, what I weigh, what I am wearing or driving. THANK GOD!!! Because I looked healthy before and was sick, just didn't know it. I also was sick in my thinking and my value system was all whack! I am still a work in progress and certainly NOT perfect but the BEST I have ever been. Keep in mind....He is still working on me:)
   The harder parts of moving past cancer are AGAIN the "what if's." Controling and taming the "what if's" are what I would normally "do" in any situation that was uncertain. Now I just am learning to live with them. WOW...did I just say that? I really sound smart and put together. On many days I am and on others I fall flat on my face. BUT one truth still stands out in my mind and every time I doubt, fear, break down.....I cannot add one day to my life by worrying about the "what if's". I couldn't before and I can't now. It is HARD to be human and have knowledge and not use them to wonder, speculate and figure out. God created me and he knows me better than I know myself. Please then Lord....let my sharp, studious mind not dwell on the statics, stories, lives of other survivors with same stage, grade, node involvement be of NO significance to me. Give me that child like faith that has no room for doubt or fear only TRUST in you and your will for my life. Remind me of the promise you gave me before I even knew I had cancer that I would share my story with others. Please God, give me PEACE!
  Rads are over next onto Femara. I have an onco appointment next week as well as a trip to KC to the plastic surgeon to access the damage from radiation. Please continue to pray for me through this journey that we call life.

    Thank you to my Father in Heaven for being with me every moment of my life and thank you to my earthly father who REALLY stepped into the role of THE GREATEST DAD on earth, I love you!!!!!

This song is for you...........................Butterfly Kisses.

This is the FIRST day of the REST of my life:)

      Ding dong.....the bell has been rung :) I am DONE!!!! What now? That is "THE" question. I have had 4 surgeries, 5 months of chemotherapy, 33 radiation treatments and next stop, a 5 year estrogen binding drug. My oncologist says....You have already FOUGHT your fight. WOW...am I REALLY done? What does that mean? What am I going to do now that I am not FIGHTING cancer? Am I really done? Could it be possible that I may NEVER take another treatment? I BELIEVE so. Thank you to my Lord Jesus Christ who died for my sin, shame, and my healing. PRAISE YOU LORD!!!! You are my everything. Thank you for giving me another year with my children and family, I long only to serve and edify you!!! Bring on another 50 years.
   I have met some more amazing people throughout this leg of my journey that included my radiation oncologist Dr. Brawn, Dr. Nanny my medical oncologist along with all of the rad techs and nurses at the St. Johns Cancer Center. I love you all:) MUAH!!! To my oncology counselor Cynthia, I love you for hooking me up with each organization that was either there to help me or I could become apart of. You are AWESOME! To my financial counselor Cindy...you control the gas cards and are my BIGGEST cheerleader. I can't wait to be in the office RIGHT next to you. I love you! To the Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks...you ROCK!!! You have been instrumental in getting me back on my feet after diagnosis. I can't wait to give back.
   I have also had the opportunity to meet some beautiful women each day as we sat in the ladies waiting room each waiting to be zapped. Most of the ladies were over 50 and I had little in common with them as they were retired and had no small children at home. BUT one day I spotted a woman my age that had obviously went through chemo because she had the same "do" as me. I asked the other ladies about her and one day as the machines were out of commission we had a moment to chat. We exchanged numbers, began to text and became Facebook friends. She invited me to lunch and with the kids and travel I wondered if it would EVER happen. She finished rads a few days before me and as I watched her ring the bell with tears in her eyes as I KNEW I had to connect with her. She introduced me to her friend that I assumed she had been friends with for years as I watched them at her "ringing". Last week we had breakfast/lunch at Anton's after my treatment and THE THREE AMIGOS was cemented, there wasn't near enough time for us to chat. We DO need a weekend. Laura and Cassandra, the other PINK WARRIORS. Telling you all my story heals me and I hope helps you all feel that you are not alone in this war. I love you both, look forward to getting to know you both better and growing into old ladies together :) I heard this song by Matt Maher the day before we met at Anton's and immediately thought of you all.
http://youtu.be/Qu_LZcZP9zk 
  I am soooo thankful for my family and friends that have supported me through this whole cancer thingy:) You ROCK! To my dad that calls me EVERY single day with the same question....How are you feeling? I love you. You have always been a good dad but you have knocked it out of the park for me through this. You are THE BEST. To my kids....Sierra, Dakota, and Colt.....Mommy's back and better than ever. You three are MY LIFE!!!!   Tomorrow is the FIRST day of the REST of my life. Bring IT!!!!

Everything

     I want to start by saying my heart breaks for the families who have lost "EVERYTHING" in Joplin, but more importantly to those that have lost family. Everything to me used to mean something VERY different than "EVERYTHING" now. I have expressed my feelings upon finding out that I had cancer and also about the importance of viewing everyday as a GIFT, but seeing the devastation, hearing the mothers describe losing children.....UGH! Tears:(  I am reminded of what EVERYTHING is and how crucial it is for us all to come to terms with our own mortality, establish our priorities, and decide where we want to spend eternity. We are not indestructible, we are just human. We cannot even take a breath without our makers hand. My "everything" is my GOD and my children, nothing else really matters in the end. What is your EVERYTHING?
     I have enjoyed being back in L-town with my family and friends but do have to admit that I miss the city. I miss In a Tub, Leo's and Smokehouse. LOL! I miss the food, my church family at Northland and all the support they have given me through this journey. Miss you, Northland girls:) Since returning I have been going to the C.W. Chub O' Riley Cancer Center at St. Johns and have made wonderful friends with my techs, patients, and other local organizations in the Springfield area. Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks, Cancer Cares and St. Johns Cancer Center have all been life lines throughout this leg of the race. I could not have completed radiation without them. I can't wait to give back.
   I am almost done with radiation, eleven left and counting. I have been experiencing dry mouth, a scratchy throat, and mild fatigue. I am anxious to be done and figure out what lies ahead. I know I have five years of  a hormone therapy drug and many, many doctors visits to go, but I am a SURVIVOR!!!!! Please continue to pray for me as I find a new normal. Surviviorship is filled with many emotions that don't stop when treatment stops. Please pray specifically for health, healing, strength and peace with each exam, test, and scan. I love all of my prayer warriors. You ROCK!!!!

                  
 

GOD is BIGGER than cancer ! Can I get an AMEN?!

       God is BIGGER than cancer. I have throughout this journey REFUSED to ever capitalize the word cancer, I could barely say the word cancer after diagnosis but one thing I do know is GOD is BIGGER than cancer. It has no power over me, losing this battle isn't an option!!! Praise GOD!!!  I am sooo happy to be back in the house of GOD today with my friends and family from First Assembly, I was eager to hear the new pastor preach but instead there was a guest speaker. I was a little disappointed when I read it in the bulletin, but as he began to speak I knew I was right where I was supposed to be and he was there with those words for me. "He was there JUST for me", I said in the truck on the way home, but quickly was reprimanded by my daughter.....that word was for her....I don't really think so, but maybe GOD does think that EVERYONE is special and not just me. WINK!

     The message was on anxiety and although I feel like I have beat the anxiety trap I was in many years ago, cancer has a tendency to breed fear and dread thus anxiety. When I was going though chemo I was very physically weak so I spent a lot of time with God in his word and praying, I NEEDED that and still do. The only problem is as I got stronger physically, I began to resume many of my activities and duties leaving less time for GOD and his word to be spoken in my life, NOT COOL. As I said before, please don't think this is some kind of how to blog, in fact it is more of a what not to do blog, the pitfalls of this or that and that is fine. If my failures and shortcomings save someone else from wandering around the wilderness for 40 years I will be thankful!!!! Praise God!!!

   Back to me and my anxiety, fears, dread....I have a new oncologist and he is a christian, VERY thankful, but he is also very through and he does do "post treatment" scans. UGH! I was afraid of that. Many oncologist and insurance companies believe that scans done at this staging are unnecessary and only cause ANXIETY for the patient. If symptom free they don't do scans...very acceptable. BUT not my new doc, he waants a pet and bone scan after rads to have a "baseline". It immediately invoked FEAR, ANXIETY, and DREAD! But GOD says be anxious for NOTHING!

     Now, I know that when I was at my lowest of low and had sores in my mouth from chemo so bad I couldn't talk, eat or drink.....UGH!!!.....tears.....I cried out to GOD and he said "FIX your eyes on me, don't look at the physical symptoms, the TV, the Internet, all the statistics". I obeyed and those feelings left. I know MY GOD has healed me and I know that it is his will for me to walk in divine health until he splits the heavens open to take me home BUT....saying BUT is like undoing everything you said before the word BUT....WHAT a REVELATION!!!! So, GOD has healed me and that is the end of this story. I will submit to the scans and I won't like it. The devil will try to get me to entertain the thought that there maybe something on those scans but I refuse to accept that. I refuse to accept anything less than what He has in store for me. He said I was healed, saved and forgiven at the Cross and that is what I KNOW.

    One other thing I know is that at stage 2b it is easier to say that you have been healed than stage 4, but the Word doesn't give staging to the dead folks he raised or the leopards he healed. God's word is the same, yesterday, today and FOREVER and by HIS stripes I AM HEALED and all of you stage 4's you can be too. Just fix your eyes on him, don't look left or right, don't look at your physical symptoms. Don't look at the natural, stand on HIS word, HIS promises, GOD doesn't lie. No matter what is giving you anxiety in your life, GOD is bigger than it.  Just get in the Word to find the comfort, wisdom, and peace for your problem and you will find it. There is NO problem in this life that we will encounter that isn't found in the Word of GOD. Seek him and you will find peace in place of that anxiety, worry and the "what if's" of this life.

     I had the privilege this week to attend an event back in KC with my high school friend Rafael Filion for the American cancer Society at the Midland Theater hosted by KC's favorite weather man Gary Lezak. It was a wonderful event that raised not only LOTS of money for the Hope Lodge in KC, but also awareness. Over 30 people not only made a commitment to help raise funds, but also to allow someone to shave their head. I was amazed at the number of ladies that participated, many with hair down their backs. It is a HUGE sacrifice to lose your hair and I HATED every minute of it going through chemotherapy, so I slipped them all the wig shops number. WINK! No, but I did tell some of them what a huge sacrifice it was to do this, for the men as well I know ( just not like the ladies). Thanks Rafael for including me, it was the kick off to the "I have knocked out cancer" bash I am throwing for the next 50 years!!!!!
   Since then, I have spoken to the financial counselor at St. Johns in Springfield about doing an event in Springfield. I would LOVE to be a part of that. AWESOME! Anyway, Springfield does not have a Hope Lodge it only has a hospitality house with limited space. So, an event like this annually could really raise some money to help achieve that goal. St. Johns has been awesome in assisting me with fuel cards to go to treatment each day, gas is sooo high and 50 mile trips one way are very pricey. So, I feel I have been blessed by the generosity of others and hope to only pass that on in some way, hopefully I find that fit when I am done with treatment.
   Radiation is going well, I am getting a tan, 20 treatments left and then DONE!!! Well, except for my five year date with Tamox or other hormone binding drug. I am stoked. Please continue to pray for me throughout this last leg, each one seems to have it's own set of issues. I am blessed and favored beyond all of my dreams. I have a wonderful family, beautiful, healthy children and GOD is soooo GOOD:)

   

Radiation vs. Radioactive

                                                      Happy Birthday D, we love you !
  
         Radiation has been nothing short of a cake walk compared to surgery and chemo, but it is time consuming with the drive to and from. I have completed seven treatments so far, only 26 left. UGH!!!! It is going well, very uneventful so to speak. I almost didn't blog this week because not much is going on with the treatments. I haven't gotten red, had any flesh falling or peeling off, or become radioactive. Dakota did have to ask though, this coming from the boy that does believe that there is life out there and wants to visit area 51. LOL! HUGE imagination that one:) Since radiation, except for the travel, has been so boring I have started to gamble, well sort of. I am buying a lottery ticket each day to count down the days and possible recoop some gas money. It does give me a little RUSH to scratch and see if I am a winner. He He! Not exactly christian I know, but give a girl a break:)
      I haven't really shared the fact that through this journey I have had a few times that I FREAKED OUT,  because I thought I had a local recurrence on my scar line. IF breast cancer comes back it sometimes returns in or around the scar line and looks like a pimple or rash. I have had two heat rashes and recently developed a raised area along the scar after radiation started. I once again FREAKED. I went immediately to the radiation oncologist and had him look at it and he said....Definitely NOT cancer, just a ridge from the skin stretching and the radiation itself. I was once again relieved. Having cancer is HARD but living each day inspecting yourself for any lumps, bumps, or pimples SUCKS! I will always be vigilant when it comes to checking my self out and following up with the doctor but it doesn't make it SUCK any less. As I said today, I was born at a designated time and also have a designated time to die. No amount of worry or wondering how or when is going to change it. So instead I am going to live a healthy, FULL, rewarding life and thank God each day. Living for today and not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself. God has it covered, and I put ALL my faith and trust in him and his plan for me.
      Until next time, peace out peeps.....but I will leave you with a verse, one of my favs, and a song. God bless you and please continue to pray for me though this journey.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Casting Crowns.....Who am I?   http://youtu.be/VU_rTX23V7Q

One Day You Will:)

     This last month has been a whirl wind that included trip after trip to the city for expansion, expansion, expansion. I am AMAZED at how much my skin has stretched soooooo......AMAZING!!!! I am soooo happy. Dr. Rast has asked me with every expansion "Have you tried on any bras?". The answer was always no, no, no. I, quite frankly, was too tired, sore, and poor to think about a bra purchase. So, each week I kept saying.....BIGGER, BIGGER, BIGGER....and now I am thinking WHOA! What the heck happened in my shirt? LOL! I am sure when the tissue expanders get exchanged for the implants they will not be so prominent but now they are WOW. Radiation also kind of has a tendency to shrink the skin and make it less pliable so I am glad I over expanded but for now kinda think these make me look well....cartoon like:( LOL! I do not know how Dolly does it, but she MUST fall into bed at night and say AHHHHH, that's better.

   For those that are curious what the expansion process looks like....well.....imagine going from flat as a ironing board as I was in this photo below after mastectomy and again now after expansion. WOW, what a difference a month makes..

 It was HUGELY painful!!!! Thank you Miss.Valium for your relief of the muscle spasms, YOU ROCK!!!!!!! The x is just a marking spot until the expander settles, it will be tattooed also like the other 3 spots on my ivory body. They are tiny, but still I hated to get them. They are small though compared to the scars across each breast as you can see in the photo....they will fade with time and silicone scar tape, but still are there to remind me of the road I have been on FOREVER! And you know what.....that's okay. It has made me STRONG!!!!!

     Anyway....now on to rads that take me to and fro everyday Monday through Friday to Springfield from Lebanon. You are also SUCKY! Your buzzing GIANT machines whirling around me with your bright red lights crossing my chest and arm pit like an intersection....YOU SUCK! You, however, are also one of the tools that God is using to heal my body from the dreaded breast cancer that tried to steal my life. Thank you!!!!!!!! Thank you to all the sweet techs that give me heated blankets as I lay on that hard table with arms above my head, my head that is cocked to the side to keep my throat from getting sore from the radiation and wedge under my knees, feet strapped down. UGH!!!! Oh and don't forget to use gated breathing as the x-rays and treatments are done so you have even less lung exposure. I am on day 2 of 33 treatments that should end on or around my 36th birthday depending on skin integrity, weather conditions, acts of God and anything else that might keep me from getting to the Cashew Chicken Capital of the WORLD:) BTW, 35 year old single mothers of three children should NOT get cancer!!!!!!!

  

     Dear God,  Again I come to you with a thankful heart that only longs to edify and serve you. I hope that this experience that the satan meant for harm, you turn for good in me for you, myself and for my children. I want to raise them and see my grandchildren someday. Please let my story, my experience...painful, happy, sad, crazy experience help some one else, some where, some day.:)To you be ALL of the Praise and Glory.  AMEN!

This song was given to me by a friend and it has been an encouragement through this journey.....some days were and still are rough but I know that "One Day I Will" :)  Love you Kimmy:)

http://youtu.be/EY2Yct8LjOo

Guard my heart Lord.

  
         This week has been filled again with much travel beginning with Tuesday's trip back to KC for another fill of 75 ccs, for a GRAND total of 625. We are there:) Maybe another 50 or 100 post radiation to give us a cushion if there is any capsular contacture. I was blessed to have an old friend come with me on the drive and also grab a quick lunch with a old/new friend.  Today began early also with a trip to Springfield to get my radiation simulation, that included a cat scan which to date I had never had. It was not diagnostic but still gives me the creeps:( Anyway, it was painless and although uncomfortable because of the most recent fill, somewhat emotional due to JUST LIFE. But I did make it though and am better for it....just like every other step in this hellish journey that is cancer.
    I haven't really taken the time to think about the losses that I have experienced over the last few months. I asked God to help me and I believe he has disconnected the "dwell...waller in it....and the reflect" button and I am thankful, but today as I lay in the machine I think that this is the first time that I am really doing this "alone". I know I have my kids and my parents but I don't have "my person" and the tears began to roll. God is "my person" and always has been but some days you just need someone with flesh on them....today was one of those days. The start of turkey season was one of those days, that was supposed to be our time. I know that leaving was for the best and the only solution but I still miss my old life. You can't truly love someone and just turn the feelings off like a faucet, I can't anyway. I love the idea of belonging to someone. Today I felt alone, scared and unloved, and then I thought back and realized that I felt that same way before too, only there was someone sitting right beside me. So, I guess sometimes staying is worse than leaving.


"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Don’t let your mouth speak dishonestly, and don’t let your lips talk deviously. Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil." Proverbs 4:23-27

Rads, Rogue cells, and Rambo:)

                                              This is what we think about CANCER!!!!

    As this journey takes another step out of the dark side and into the LIGHT, I find my self plagued with another challenge and obstacle. RADIATION !!! Not only am I afraid of the huge machine and cat scan I have to get done on Wednesday and the start up of radiation next Monday, I also hate the possible side effects of the radiation including another possible cancer.... just like the chemo I had can also cause non- Hodgkin's lymphoma or leukemia. It has to be done, just like the chemo and the benefits outweigh the risks by far. The possible heart and lung complications are real, but like with the RED DEVIL chemotherapy it would most likely show up 20 years from now, when I personally believe Jesus Christ himself will have returned to take me to heaven with him and all the other sinners turned saints by then so..... I am not worried about the side effects, I just hate that there are any.
    Cancer has changed my life in many ways impacting everything to the food that I eat, most of these changes needed to happen to keep me heart healthy and to maintain my weight. I am also trying to reduce stress and exercise more, both as of late have evaded me. Anytime there is a break up or move it is stressful and in the midst of cancer treatment it is HORRIBLE. I have switched all of my oncologists here and will have one more fill prior to radiation in KC. I HATE CHANGE and new people especially when I have had THE BEST of the BEST at the Kansas City Cancer Center North,  St. Lukes Northland Hospital and BEST PLASTICS doctor at Associated Plastic Surgeons in Overland Park. The new radiation doctor hails from Kansas and is wonderful but I am just dreading another regimen that lasts 33 business days and finishes on my 36th birthday. I HATE CANCER!
    I have been out of church for some weeks and can tell in my spirit that I NEED church. I need the Word of God to sustain me through these next few weeks. I feel as though I know why I am avoiding church and God right now and it is because I am hurt and angry that things didn't work out in my relationship. I can't be hurt, angry and living in the past once I take it to God and ask him to help. I am ashamed I have been holding on to this for this many days. I KNOW what God has done for me and I KNOW how he held my head up as I fought this disease and I KNOW that he is protecting me and guiding my steps even if right now I am in pain and hurting. He knows the future, not I. I asked him for help and guidance and he gave it to me, now I just need to accept it and go on living life instead of wondering why and what if this or that? For HE knows the plans....not I.
    Back to radiation....for those that don't know radiation will kill any rouge cells that may still be on or around the tumor site and where the positive lymph nodes were found. I will have 28 regular treatments and 5 boosts to the tumor and incision site to reduce chances of a local recurrence to 9 % rather than 25-33%. So, it is a no brainer. I am, however, going to be traveling 50 miles each way to Springfield each day for treatment. It only takes about 2 or 3 minutes and undressing takes longer, but WOW...what a drive. It is also a huge expense with gas prices so high and most recently my car had broken down....well the wheel anyway. I had a ball joint, tyrod thingy break, so more expense. Anyway, I have a very supportive family and group of incredible friends that have seen me though. I love you all:) Please continue to pray for me as I embark on another step in this ladder to freedom and survivorship. I will be taking on this challenge like the last.....as RAMBO:)

My cup runneth over....literally!!!!

   Well, my cup is literally running over and I am PRAYING that goodness and mercy is coming because this year has been rough. I have been filled to 550ccs today after an additional 75 was added today. I was hoping for 100ccs but GLAD we stuck with 75, because tonight I am in PAIN! UGH! Problem is we are STILL not at 600 or 650 and I am to start rads possibly as early as next week, which means he wants me to return to KC on Friday. I am unsure of how I will swing that and if I really want to, UGH! Also I have had drs appts, dentist with the kids, and my appts everyday this week and two more BEFORE Friday. Maybe I will make a road trip with one of my besties I haven't seen in a while and connect with some old friends while we are there. I think she and I need a girls only weekend. Oh...I forgot....it is ALWAYS girls only weekends around here now...well besides the my two main men:)
    But for tonight bring me the Valium, I need one I think. Dr Rast says they are crucial to success as they alleviate the muscle spasms. They are severe as they are NOT wanting to stretch anymore and truthfully I am feeling like the girls are under my arms and meeting in the middle. I have only taken it right after surgery and maybe once after the 100cc fill but as the implant gets larger it is having a harder time stretching thus the PAIN!!!! They are like ROCKS, I said coconuts before but I meant ROCKS! Dr. Rast also informed me that exchange should be as far from rads as possible even up to a year. A YEAR with these things...these ROCKS? WOW...not sure if I can do that, but skins integrity starts to improve the farther from rads as we go. He did, however, tell me that I am a D cup which makes me happy since after mastectomy I NEVER thought I would be more than an A. Thank you God for the new found womanhood. I hope I am not getting carried away. Please forgive me I have had boob envy for a while:)

Who is the new lady?

     My kids been the light at the end of the LONG, dark tunnel that is cancer. I feel so sad that they have had to see me go through all of the ups and downs of this disease. They have been impacted in many ways I feel some are positive but many are not. My 16 year old daughter has missed more than her share of school days for surgeries and support through this journey. My 9 year old has seen me cry, lose my hair and my breasts, which no 9 year old should have to see. My baby boy had to be weaned in 3 days prior to the mastectomy. I have worn 6 wigs now and I know he has to wonder which one of us is going to show up each morning. I feel like I haven't been the SUPERMOM that I was with my other two when they were small. I have been just trying to SURVIVE:)
  This isn't a sad, down in the dumps update. This is, however, a wake up call to all those who are supporting someone fighting cancer as well as the person fighting...cancer affects and impacts your ENTIRE family. Good and bad, it changes things. Maybe that is what happened in my recent relationship...I can't say. It is stressful and HARD. It can be dealt with with courage, dignity and grace and I feel like I have done that. I know the bald images of me with no eyebrows or lashes are hard to take for my family and loved ones as well as my self to see. I chose to show them for many reasons, one to show others that cancer isn't just for old people it affects young healthy moms. I also wanted to inspire others to fight this disease and WIN. Lastly I wanted others to see that MY GOD is still alive and working, healing, changing outcomes for us today.....not just in the old testament, BUT TODAY! Despite our circumstance or situation, he has a plan, one of which, I would like him to share with ME sooner than later:) Praise you God, to you be all the glory.
   Anyway, my kids are my life and will always be no matter what else changes. I was born to be a mother and for that I am so proud, being a mom is the greatest accomplishment of my life. On that note, I am going to take my little shorty to a meet and greet visit at a daycare tomorrow morning. It will be the first time he has stayed with someone besides family and I am a little nervous. Please pray that this is a perfect fit and so I will be able to go to work without worry. Dakota misses his school in KC but loves being back in town with family. Sierra loves mommy doing her laundry and making her dinner but she doesn't like the supervision or the INVOLVEMENT in her life that much. That is okay though, that is what a MOMMY is supposed to do.
    This week I have an appointment everyday but Friday and two days I have 2 and 3 appointments each. I am coming to KC Tuesday for my last fill. Last week I only got 50 because I knew I was moving and was afraid I couldn't get things done. I am up to 475 ccs now and Tuesday I will get another 100 to put me at 575. I want to exchange to 600 or 650 so, we have to keep pumping these things up. Right now they are almost to my collar bones..UGH! Hate that, they won't be like that after exchange but for swimsuit season it is a little weird. I did try on some of my old suits and although I can see my scar under my armpit on the left side, I should be able to still wear them. If I lose the last few pounds chemo packed on that is! I was worried about the top of my swim suit...I think it is the bottom half I should be concentrating on:)  It has been so hard and I haven't been over eating at all, in fact I have been as of late eating very little but the chemopause and the ROIDS have me REALLY jacked up. I start back on my elliptical tomorrow after I get it in from the garage. I will be starting radiation within the next two weeks also, so please....say a little prayer for me.

Afro's are still "in", right?

   Well it is official... for YEARS saying I wish I was black because I would always be tan and have a new hair do every day with wigs and weaves, I now have the start of what seems to be an Afro. Please do not write me and say that is racist cuz I am TOTALLY serious. My motto in my twenties was you can never be too thin or too tan....and hair has always been my "thing". So...no racism here. I hated losing my hair during chemo, probably one of the most dehumanizing things about the cancer...well and the whole no boobs thing. BUT...it gave me the opportunity to have a different hair do every day if I wanted. I have had five wigs and loved them all. I am still wearing them in fact because my hair is about 3/4 inches long and although has been manicured and colored it is still just too short for me, I feel anyway. But after moving today in 90 degree weather I have to ask...when should I debut the new do...I mean Afro? It is VERY wavy, not kinky or a TRUE Afro but coming from a girl with stick straight hair this gray, wavy mix was a HUGE slap in the face after having cancer.
     In fact, after cancer I think you should never have to worry about a recurrence and should wake up everyday looking like Carmen Electra and feeling like Wonder woman, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works. I am thankful and grateful for waking up at all after cancer and I am more aware than ever that everyday is a precious and a gift from God. I just wish that sometimes I could go back to the old H....:( The one that could hold her baby on her hip for hours without pain from the new equipment. The old Heather that could go and go and go without tiring. The old Heather that had confidence in her self and knew that any criticism was just others insecurities and not her own, knowing that cancer didn't make me "damaged goods". Ohhhh...pitty party.... OVER....Cancer gave me a new lease on life and I am just in a rough patch and this too shall pass. RIGHT? Yes of course:) God did not give me his word that this would be my testimony to share with others only to leave me with some lack luster life. ALL things in ABUNDANCE. That is what I am seeking. In fact I am being very specific with God about my needs and desires. I know that the Bible says ask and you shall receive....well I am asking and going to receive.
  Dear God, please give me a long and full life filled with my children and lots of happiness serving others and you. If it is your will for me to have a husband then send me one....I loved being married. I am a good wife and deserve a good husband. I also would like a new car as mine has 186,000 miles on it and now needs a new tyrod end, whatever that means but gotta fix that tomorrow too. I would like a new Tahoe or Suburban to carry all of my kiddos around, preferably in black. I also would like to find a job when I get settled that helps other and fulfills me as much as just being a mom, as right now I NEED to work. Also Jesus, I REALLY need some clarification on the tattoo verse in Leviticus...cuz I REALLY want one and have never had one before in all of my 35 years. It is a Bible verse and I would like to know about that one sooner than later cuz I am kinda in KC now and will be going home soon and would like to get it while I am here. BTW, please forgive me for all of the thoughts, actions and words I have been passing around over the last few weeks, I am ashamed, but God....you know he knows what buttons to push, and I'm sure he would say the same of me. Anyway...I am still so immature in you. I make the right decisions more than 75 percent of the time but there are those times when pushed in a corner that I fall and when I do it is usually BIG. Forgive me and help me be a better person that I might be an example of what to do instead of what NOT to do. Amen.
    On a lighter note...I have had 2 more fills since surgery. One of 25ccs the week after waking up from surgery with 300 and then last week I had another 100ccs for a grand total of 425ccs on my way to 550cc or 600. I am shooting for a 650 implant with exchange this fall after my skin heals from radiation. I have to say at this point they are doing the job stretching the skin but hardly look like the final reveal. I referred to them as hamburger buns and Dr. Rast said "I have never heard them called that, UNTIL TODAY". LOL! I have one of the BEST plastic surgeons in KC Dr.Rast at Associated Plastic Surgeons. He is the BOMB! I go back on Tuesday for another fill and I have an appointment to get my Leupron injection while I am here. I have transferred all of my dr's to southwest Mo where I am moving, due to the family support I have there in my mom and grandma. I will however have a few more appts up here in the upcoming weeks and then after rads the exchange surgery from IRON BRA to squishy boobies:) I can't wait. Again, thank you all for your love and support and thank you Jesus Christ my Strong tower, teach me to look to you for shelter from the storms of life.


Strong tower by Kutless.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45y3gX2szKg

Learning to turn the other cheek.....is HARD!!!!!

I am a FIGHTER in every sense of the word. I have fought this cancer with EVERYTHING I have! I have also fought  with others throughout my life and during my fight with cancer. I am no longer able or willing to do both, I just want to LIVE! I am praying that this season of my life is also for a reason...God...how much more do you think I can take?!!!!!!!!  BUT he says "NEVER more than you can stand".  He must think I am moonlighting as Super Girl!!!!!! LOL!  I need to learn that I cannot control others or others views of me based on truths, half truths or falsehoods. TURN THE OTHER CHEEK !!!! Please God give me strength! Seriously...I am asking for prayer during this time, thank you all. I love you!

Surgery number 4 and counting :(

Dear tissue expander,
              I know your purpose and plan to stretch my skin and muscles to accommodate some voluptuous boobs for me a little later down the line but right now...YOU SUCK!
                                                                                                         Love, H

      I had surgery on Wednesday morning at 8:00 am after arriving at St. Joseph Medical Center at 6:00 am with mom in tow. Baby boy and Dakota were with my stepmother at the house and Sierra was unable to come because she is starting her first job and I am soooo proud of her. Go Sierra :) Anyway, my wonderful plastic surgeon Dr. John Rast is awesome and all I can say about that is that he is a GOD SEND and I am in debt to him forever, You are a blessing to me and so many others. I also want to thank my BreastCancer.org girls that have been a huge support and wealth of information during this entire process. I love you Deborah-Whippetmom...AKA Breast Whisperer, Laura- Estepp....AKA Babydoll- you both have been instrumental in my reconstruction journey and networking with Dr. Rast. I love you both!!!!

   Despite the fact that I knew I wanted reconstruction surgery I had no idea how tough  it would be, I have no pain with my BMX so I assumed that I would have minimal with the TE surgery as well. I knew the fills could be painful and I was prepared for that, I guess:) Anyway, due to my need to fill fast for upcoming radiation I was filled to 300 cc's in surgery. Which is A LOT!!!!! I woke up with some serious cleavage that seem to begin right below my collar bones...hopefully not for long...that would be wayyyy weird. I am extremely sore and have had A LOT of pain. I never take pain meds but begged for some on the way home from the hospital. I am taking Valium for muscle spasms and hydrocodone for pain and I am still in some serious pain when I get up or sit down out of a reclining position. I have to admit I have not been the best patient either. I never get sick and I still can't fathom that I had cancer.                                        

   Well, just an update on how things are going here. Please be praying for my complete healing and a reprieve from the pain I am experiencing. I long to hold my little man in my arms, kiss and squeeze him. Thanks again to all for your love and support.  I love you all !!!! Thank you Jesus for protecting me through but another surgery that I would live to raise my children and serve you all the days of my life.

Surgery in 10 hours and counting....YIKES!!!!!

I am having surgery in the morning at 8:30 am, I have to be at the hospital at 6am. I am going to try to catch some zzzzzz's. Please pray for me tonight that I might get some sleep and that I will have a successful and safe surgery tomorrow. Thank you and good night:)

Just three sleeps left.....:)

    Just three sleeps left until my tissue expander surgery. I have been chemo free for almost two weeks tomorrow, WHOOO!!!! I am still having severe muscle stiffness, fatigue, neuropathy in my fingers and toes and some facial bloat but overall I am recovering well. I am almost back to my normal weight with just 3lbs. to go, all water from the steroids. I HATE THEM!!!!! I have not had any blood work since last chemo so I am assuming my counts are good to go but I won't know until Wednesday morning at pre op, my oncologist thinks we are good to go though. I am very excited but nervous also, I HATE SURGERY! This particular surgery has restrictions of my arms thus keeping me from lifting my little man and caring for him in many ways, like changing diapers:( I am struggling with that aspect of this part of the journey, no lifting more than a gallon of milk for 3-6 weeks possibly. My mother is coming to stay for a few days, but will have to return to work in a day or two. So, I will be pretty dependant on others for a while. Colt is getting so big and so sweet. He is such a blessing to me, his life literally saved mine. I wouldn't have found the tumor had it not grown so rapidly during my pregnancy. He is my little angel boy! Thank you God for him.

    There have been some roller coaster events happening in my life now and I am READY to get off the ride. Thanks to all of you for your love and support through this adventure. I am looking forward to closing the book on the breast cancer part of my life. Surgery, radiation and then Tamox followed by exchange surgery in the fall or winter....check ups check ups check ups....but soon I will have my life back and my appointment book, cancer was a full time job. So, until next time peeps. Peace out!

The Fourth Kardashian Sister

    Guess who is done with chemo? Yep, it's this girl! I had my last chemotherapy treatment on Monday and I am feeling good. I am still a little tired, swollen and winded, but I am on the mend. My last infusion was uneventful, my two wonderful nurses were "WONDERFUL" as usual. April and Ann....I LOVE YOU ! You aren't just my nurses, you are my friends:)  Thank you for everything and for the beautiful plant !!!!  Bye bye Power port, although you have been a life saver, you saved my veins from the RED DEVIL and all other mustard gas derivatives but SOON....very soon you are OUTTA here! Oh and GOOD BYE steroids. You blow my face up like Miss. Puff, make my belly look like a marshmallow and my booty like a Kardashian sister without the boobies. I HATE YOU !
    There is one thing I would like to voice about chemotherapy. It is HARD but with all of the NEW drugs given as premeds and maintenance for nausea and vomiting, etc. It is doable! I never vomited, I did have MILD nausea, which was totally alleviated with these drugs. Don't decide you can't do chemo because you mother, grandfather, friend had chemo and was "sick" during treatment. Today's chemotherapy is very different than the chemotherapy my grandmother had, she was very sick. I was NOT. I was weak, but not violently ill. Chemotherapy is what kills cancer, it shrinks tumors, kills stray cells. Chemotherapy saves lives. So, when I hear people say after being diagnosed that they WILL NOT do chemo, I just want them to know it is doable. Fight that cancer with whatever they give you, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!
    The next step for me is surgery to begin my reconstruction, I am so excited. Please pray, it is March 16. I cannot wait to feel like my self again. I have decided to go bigger with my expansion, pending my skin integrity. I want to give myself a little cushion in case someday I put on a few pounds :) On that note, I am ending chemo at 1lb over my starting weight. If you saw me you would think I have gained a few though, the steroids are HORRIBLE! But soon I will be de puffing. Keep drinking H20 girl! Flush that bloat! I am also starting to exercise daily at least 30 minutes to prevent recurrences. Flax seed, D3, Omega 3's for my heart due to my estrogen suppression, limiting red meat to 2x weekly and trying to find hormone free chicken, beef, pork etc. THEY ARE THE ENEMY! Well, them and soy, soy is bad for ER/PR+cancer too. No soy isolates peeps, they are in protein bars and shakes too. Watch out! Radiation and Tamox to follow.
    Hair.....I have all kinds of hair! My scalp is completely covered with........GREY hair! WHAT! Yeah, it is grey. It is more of a "salt and pepper" color, whatever that is:)  I am a Sparkling Sherry girl and am just waiting for the go ahead from my Oncologist to color this pixie! I will unveil it soon, it is coming in fast. I am still wearing my wigs but hope soon to be going topless as my chemo girls call it:) Going topless used to mean something totally different when I had boobs:) LOL!
   Well, those are just some of the changes I am going through and making since chemo is finished. I am also pleased to announce that I am back in church full time now since my counts have rebounded. I am sooooo excited to be back, I need my church family. I need to be plugged in. I want to sing from the roof tops about all that God has done for me. I hope to share my testimony soon with others. God has been sooo good to me and I give him all the praise and glory. HE is AWESOME!!!!

Post Chemo Do.....:)

This is my stylist Candice....isn't she awesome! I maybe using some clip on hair pieces to achieve it for a while but how adorable!

LIFE IS GOOD!

     I have finished fifteen of the sixteen chemotherapy treatments today, one more next Monday. Whooo!!!! Then it is time to gear up for surgery, I am sooooo EXCITED, nervous and scared, but mostly just EXCITED. I am thrilled to regain my shape and then some, it will be a process with the final results not coming until fall but I will have a shape. I have to laugh when I think about the coconut bras with the grass skits and the similarities with the tissue expanders, they can be a fright. I met with a WONDERFUL plastic surgeon and can only thank GOD for his compassion and sensitivity. HE is awesome!!!! We set up a surgery date of March 16, that is wayyy sooner than I though I could have surgery. My counts were pretty low today, praying they rebound before surgery or it won't happen. It is about an hour and a half surgery, did I mention I hate surgery?
   We are placing Allegran 550cc, 14 wide medium profile expanders that will be filled a little during surgery and  then VERY rapidly in the following weeks. This process can be painful and especially if you are getting it done so quickly but due to the radiation time frame we must fill FAST. So, although I am thrilled, I am scared of the possibility of pain, although with my mastectomy I didn't even need a Tylenol. Amazing huh? God has carried me through every aspect of this journey and I am not doubting his plan, so once again FIX YOUR EYES ON ME, Heather. Okay Jesus. So surgery on the 16th fill, fill, fill until I am happy with size and the skin is holding up, then 30 something rads with a few boosts to the tumor site. The radiation can affect outcome but this dr has experience with expander, rads, exchange. MD Anderson protocol is the newest and best on radiation and positive reconstruction outcomes and that is what we are following. Please pray for me in this leg of this journey.
    It was so fun to try on the implants with a fitted t-shirt on and look like myself again....AWESOME. I had to take a few pics....I will share one although I do look like Miss Puff off of Spongebob due to the steroids, not for long though:) So, ignore the pudgy water belly, chubby arms and swollen face. I could go on, But WON'T !

Yeah...boobies!!!! Or as Dorinda likes to say...Boobalicious! I am so thankful to be almost done with chemotherapy. It has been ROUGH! Thank you again to all of the people that have made up the slack, held my hand and my head up.  I love you all.! Thank you Jesus for being my savior, healer, comforter and most of all my heavenly father. I will spend my life serving you and edifying you by telling others what you have done in my life.  Life is GOOD!!!!

Love deeper, speak sweeter :)

        I have heard the song by Tim McGraw "Live Like you were dying"  many times, it is about his father Tug McGraw who discovered he had terminal cancer and died shortly after, but never prior to cancer did I REALLY know what the lyrics meant. I have lived my life scared of many things including just living. Exhibit A- airplanes. I have NEVER flown. I have taken chances on things that have bombed, I have ventured out where I shouldn't have been, I have made lots of mistakes in my thirty five year old life. One thing I hadn't done though prior to cancer was live like each day was so precious and could be taken away at any moment. We are born and die at an appointed time, I am not sure what that time is for me, as are you, but I can tell you that life is best living it with urgency and purpose.

   My purpose besides living a Christ centered life has been to be a mommy first and foremost, it is by far the most rewarding, challenging, hands down BEST job in the world. I love my kids more than life, but feel that in the hustle and bustle of life and it's hardships and problems I have failed to ENJOY being a mother to the fullest. I know now that I am not Wonder Woman, contrary to popular belief :-) I didn't hug my children long and hard every day, I didn't hang on every single Mommy listen..... to this or that after  hearing it 50 times a day. I can do better in EVERY area of my life.  I could have done better but I was living life like there would always be tomorrow to fix any problems or issues I was having. I was foolish. I took my life and my loves all for granted. I am an affectionate, loving, wonderful mother, sister, friend, but I have not lived like I was dying. I have found that many positive things have come out of this diagnosis and this is one of them........My new PASSION for life.

  Patience and deeper love for life as well as everything and everyone in it came very easily. I was always a soft person I believe not hard, bitter or jaded but certainly didn't have the deep love for life as I do now. In the song live like you were dying Tim says "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing, I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Shu, And I loved deeper, And I spoke sweeter, And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin', And he said some day I hope you get the chance, To live like you were dyin'." I know it is just lyrics to a country song but it is so true when facing a deadly disease. Hindsight is 20/20 and I cannot change the past although there are many things I would change. If you lucky, healthy peeps can live like you were dying BEFORE you get that phone call or test result no one wants to hear you my friends will be one step ahead of me.

   Living like you were dying is living life with ZEAL and WOW. LOVE is number one, in hand with FORGIVENESS of others that have wronged you even if they didn't say they were sorry. PASSION and PURPOSE is also on the forefront. Living a PURPOSE driven life is AWESOME and if you want to know or want a deeper meaning of what that means you should get the book Purpose Driven life. It is a LIFE CHANGING book, not about dying but about living and prioritizing your life to make it conducive to the purpose that you were put on this earth for. Again this book is LIFE CHANGING, a must read. Living like you were dying frees you to do things that are purposeful and not just routine, in fact it's okay to say NO to things that hinder you from fulfilling your purpose. PRIORITIZING your life....what is important to you? Who is important to you? Living a purposeful life simplifies the way you live day to day, it makes you take account the activities, people, places that are not fruitful or conducive to your purpose therefore a kind of downsizing. It is AMAZING!!!

   Life is short and although it seems you may be going to live forever, you won't. You could die tomorrow in a car crash, of cardiac arrest or you could like me get cancer and have to fight for your life. If you learn one thing from all of my blog ramblings about cancer and my little life I hope it is this... find your life's purpose and LIVE IT OUT!!! Live your life like tomorrow is your last day. Love deeper, speak sweeter.

"Shave to Save" fundraiser via Rafael Filion and The American Cancer Society

Together, we can save lives from cancer!
This year, nearly 1.5 million people will hear the words "You have cancer," and there's a good chance that some of them will be people we know and love. Just recently my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer and will undergo surgery here in mid February. Her faith in the lord has pulled her through this ordeal at this stage in her life, as I put my hopes and faith in the man upstairs I feel compelled to do my part and raise awareness while I too fight in my own way side by side with those have to deal with this on a daily basis.

Cancer is a scary word but I am inspired by Heather Edwards-Stephenson, a friend of mine who has been fighting Cancer with vigor, and valor, I thought it was necessary to help her tell her story to the world and fight alongside her, my mother and everyone else affected by this disease directly or indirectly.
I have chosen to create a world with less cancer and more birthdays – where cancer never steals another year from anybody’s life – by helping the American Cancer Society’s work.

With our help, the American Cancer Society saves lives and creates more birthdays by helping people stay well, helping people get well, by finding cures, and by fighting back.

For nearly a century, the American Cancer Society has fought for every birthday threatened by every cancer in every community.

 Will you join me?

I hope you will support me in my effort to reach my goal by using the links below....
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=18835432&fr_id=35010&pg=personal

Here is Heathers’ story and link to her blog where she writes about her fight as she knocks out Cancer.

Heather’s Story

     The day the world just stopped…..I was looking forward to an upcoming marriage, becoming a new mother to my 6 month old baby boy and my other two beautiful children when my life was halted by cancer. Tuesday July 13, 2010 was like any other hot summer day, bustling with three children at home, but normal nonetheless, except this day would change my life forever. I went to my annual “girly” appointment I was still having issues with my left breast, I believed due to a blocked milk duct.  I had been having issues for a few months but that “dent” on the left breast had not gone away. I asked my doctor to look at it today while I was there. It couldn’t be anything too serious I mean I had just had two breast exams in the last year while I was pregnant and everything must be fine or they would have told me. It was probably just a stubborn blocked duct.

    Exam, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, lumpectomy and then bilateral mastectomy would be in store for the weeks following. WOW, this is so hard. How at 35 years old with no family history of breast cancer could I be facing the fight of my life? How could I have breast cancer or any cancer? Would I be here to raise my children?  Was I going to be disfigured? Would he even want to marry me with no breasts? Could I beat this?  What are my odds? Chemotherapy? Radiation? My world was spinning and everything was out of control. Cancer had invaded my body and taken control of life as I once knew.

   Invasive ductal carcinoma is the proper name, a 3.2 cm tumor had been growing in my body and I didn’t even know I was sick. It had invaded 3 of my lymph nodes and if not found could have metastasized to other parts of my body, like my liver, bones, or brain. I was diagnosed with the “good” kind of breast cancer in terms of treatment and life expectancy, PRAISE GOD!!! I guess it could be worse I thought. There are women facing this BEAST at 23 years old in much more aggressive form and when diagnosed are already at stage IV. I was “lucky” in terms of cancer; I was only stage 2b, if you call it luck. That didn’t excuse me from the hard road I had ahead.

   Since that hot July day, I have had three surgeries and face at least two or three more before it is over with reconstruction, five grueling months of chemotherapy, and thirty something days of radiation soon. It has been one heck of a journey and when I think back on the day I was diagnosed I can’t believe I have come this far. The support of my family, my church and friends has been the catalyst propelling me forward on this road. My faith in Jesus Christ, my healer, my redeemer, my everything, has been the one thing that has never changed or wavered.  I give Him all the praise and glory, for He is so good.

     I am learning that life is best lived and not just going through the motions. Cancer tried to steal my life, but I believe that cancer may have actually given me a new lease and appreciation for life that I may have never experienced. I am stronger than ever and know that I can conquer anything life throws at me now. You can’t have a testimony without a test, this is my test and now I hope to be a testimony. A testimony to the power and promises of Jesus Christ and what he can do in your life. Cancer isn’t a cake walk but you can tread and triumph over the mountain, standing at the top screaming “Cancer….take that”.   

    Cancer is an awful disease that doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are a child, a mother, a son, a father or daughter. It is an equal opportunity offender. We have to STOP cancer in its tracks. We can do that by better screenings and detection, promoting healthy lifestyles, making advancements in treatments and CURES. Yes, I believe that cancer can be cured, not NED- no evidence of disease but CURED. The new genetic testing is finding links to all sorts of cancers that can be prevented through surgery like preventative mastectomy for breast and removal of ovaries for ovarian. These findings are the key to unlocking the CURE to many cancers by stopping them before they even form. This gives me as a mother and cancer survivor hope that my daughter may never have to “Fight like a Girl.”

  
For more on my cancer journey from start to finish line follow me at http://heathersknockingoutcancer.blogspot.com/

Hello...it's me" BOOBS" again.

      Now that chemo is coming to a close and I am nearing the next leg of this journey my thoughts have been consumed with boobs. My old ones, my new ones, different sizes, shapes and all of the surgeries that it requires to get an achieved looked, if there is one after a modified radical mastectomy on my left side and prophylactic on the right. Delaying reconstruction was not my idea but my oncologist, that is in the business of saving lives, not boobs or other spare parts. I have done everything by protocol since diagnosis, including delaying reconstruction in favor of the most aggressive treatment as soon as possible. I have no regrets at this point but as a woman I miss my breasts.
    I was breast feeding Colt when I was diagnosed and had to wean him in three days before surgery, hardest thing I have ever had to do. Having said all that.... Let's be REAL I had "mom boobs" after three pregnancies, breast feeding and just age- they had some issues but they were mine. I have been looking at pictures of my old boobs to take with me to the plastic surgeon and having a pity party for myself.  BEFORE you say anything....I know they are just boobs and don't make the woman anymore than clothes make the man, but I am struggling. The reconstruction photos at even the BEST surgeons are less than perfect. I see the scars that run across my flat chest everyday and although I knew I wasn't going to love the way reconstruction would look I knew I still wanted reconstruction.
   It is a personal choice and now at this point I know why women don't choose to reconstruct. One, we are too flippin' worn out after chemo, radiation, CANCER in general. Two, more surgeries after being through 3 already I dread another 3 to complete the process Three, what they could look like with no breast tissue to hide the implant is often scary. There are so many issues, such as will I have enough skin to achieve the size or shape I desire? Will they look natural or like something out of alien flick? I have seen too many of those type to count. Not to mention the debate about implants period, do they cause cancer?  Do they inhibit imaging? It is all A LOT to consider. I will be having reconstruction but what type ? The two step expander surgery....who knows? I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of consulting these next few weeks. My radiation is supposed to begin within 10 weeks after chemo to achieve the most benefit.
    So, surgery in the next month or two to be what my radiation oncologist calls "fully expanded" before we begin radiation therapy 30 something treatments to kill any cancer cells at the tumor or skin site that may have been left after surgery. Clear margins both times but don't want to take a chance:) Radiation can cause capsular contrature of my expander or implant making the skin and implant hard, thus hurting appearance and causing other issues. So, the newest, most favorable outcomes to date are those that have expander placement then radiation but the risk is still 50/50. Once again, I am trusting God to lead me to the right surgeon and to give me the most desirable reconstruction possible.
    As I look through the photos of what I thought was a healthy body realizing now I was growing a cancer in my breast, I am still sad and somewhat grieving. I wasn't Bo Derek in a swimsuit but I did take care of the body that God gave me and tonight...... I am sad. I am so thankful to be alive and so thankful for all of the blessings I have in my life but as a woman, I am grieving my breasts. I am taking comfort in a post from one of my sisters in the Ta Ta sisterhood  that goes......Yes, they are FAKE the REAL ones tried to kill me:)

I will hold you up.......:)

Dear God, it's me H.....:)

      WOW.....how my life has changed since last year this time. Last year I this time I had a newborn baby. Changing diapers, sleepless nights, and breast feeding my little angel was all my days consisted of. What a great time that was, I miss that time. My life was predestined, I was going to get married, have another baby, and I was going to look good doing it. I love fashion, clothes, purses, hair, all that is outward shallow beauty, I am still that person, but different. That person is trapped in a boob less body with a GI Jane hair cut, not exactly cover of Vogue to say the least. My vanity has been put on the back burner throughout this journey, cause...... what can you do? I wanted to live no matter how disfigured I felt.
    Seeing this journey almost halfway through and all downhill from now, I am getting VERY excited to get back to looking like myself. Confidence and  beauty are from the inside I KNOW!! But boobs and hair are looking pretty awesome as of late. I have 4 treatments left and then surgery to get my groove back on, I mean my boobs back on. LOL! I am so excited, I am scheduling consultations with some plastics docs this week. I am anxious to see some magic be done in the operating room, CANNOT WAIT!!!! I know it will be another challenge with restrictions for a while but I need something GOOD at this point, especially since rads are to follow for 30 something grueling days. Final implant exchange surgery will be done 3-6 months later. YEAR OF TEARS, so true. My journey pending no complications from the rads, which my radiation oncologist seems to think we will avoid, Please PRAY!!! will be about a year and a half.
    I have been entertaining the thoughts of going back to work for a while or volunteering at a nursing home, or helping other survivors. I want to THRIVE!!!! So, I have been applying for a few weeks just for the heck of it and have had no call backs or interviews. I am excellent at what I do, so I just kind of gave up, then I got a phone call for an interview. Went and  it went excellent despite my wig and powdered in eyebrows. I didn't tell them about my cancer yet. It was a panel interview and all were young women so I think they knew I was wearing a wig, but no questions. They seemed interested but as I drove off.... again I asked God that if it is his will for me and I am physically well enough for this job I was ready, but ONLY if it was him and not something I was trying to make happen.
    As I sat in chemo today I got a call back , they want to visit with me again, YEAH!!!! I am BLESSED and FAVORED!!!! Praise you GOD you are so good. I know it isn't a done deal but I do feel like God is working and opening doors that I may or may not be ready for. I guess if he thinks I am I really am !!! I will, if offered the job tell them I will be needing a week off within the next two months for surgery and I will have to schedule my chemo for a Saturday or Sunday, or maybe an evening? So, a lot of new happenings here. New home, maybe new job, new boobs.....things are looking up:) LOL!
   Where I am in my life one year later is disheartening and maybe that is wrong thinking. Some days I look at cancer as an opportunity to draw and develop a closer relationship with God, and give me a greater appreciation for life and how I want to spend the rest of mine. On other days I feel that it stole so much from me I just want to forget it and live like it never happened. I know that out of this horrible experience I have been molded and sharpened for a greater opportunity. Not sure if it means helping other survivors by doing a  "Look good, Feel good" program to aid in the cosmetic challenges of this journey, which would be very rewarding or maybe founding a breast cancer survivor group at our church or maybe something else?  I am looking forward to fulfilling the promise that God gave me before I was ever diagnosed and on the loo the day I was told I had cancer. This is your testimony and you will tell lots of women your story. PRAISE YOU GOD!!!!! By your stripes, we are healed.

Dear God, I  want to thank you for the opportunities that you give me to tell my story to others almost daily,  including my beautiful daughter and her sweet friend Andrea this weekend. I hope that the talks we had about breast cancer and the vision of the scars on my chest would spark them to do self exams and live a healthy lifestyle. Above all let my life be a living testimony to you and your glory, thank you again for always holding me throught my life and on the darkest days:) Love, H

This is what it feels like to be held.......This song has been very special to me through this journey, but as I posted it tonight I want to say that it reminded me of a high school friend that lost her beautiful daughter last year suddenly. Jenny, I love you and hope that you know that I think of you often and want to dedicate this song to you:) God bless you and your family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP6T1bJEO6Y

Living life outloud

      I am more than half way through my second phase of chemotherapy and with only five treatments left I am feeling pretty good. I am still fatigued and counts are still hovering around three, but my red counts are going up leaving me less breathless and weak for that I am thankful. I have new hair growth and have started growing new eyelashes that I am already donning with mascara despite them being uber short, thank God for the small things:)
      I am so blessed despite the chaos that surrounds this diagnosis. If attitude is everything, then I have already won. I have drew on my faith and relationship with God and he has supplied my every need, Praise him for he is sooo good. Sierra, Dakota and Colt have been doing incredible and I have to give so much credit to the great family support I have had throughout this journey.   
   So, life goes on after breast cancer and I am proof. You can't stop living and you can't give up. You just have to keep propelling yourself forward, not looking back and wondering if it's going to return or if they got all of it, or if it is hiding somewhere else. You can't do it !!! So, when all of those thoughts creep in I get busy doing something else like just LIVING:)

Child like faith, with a dash of spiritual maturity ♥

       There is much to be said about having a child like faith, it is very difficult to do as an adult with such a bright, logical and analytical mind. I have known Jesus since I was about 6 years old, but I have strayed from my faith since then. I also have never fully matured as a christian due to the unwillingness to serve God with all my heart and to pursue a sin free life. I would get on fire for God and lose momentum or passion due to the inability to GIVE him my life, I was too busy controlling my own life and every one in it to allow that. NOT very spiritual, huh? BUT It is the truth.
     I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and she also had been facing physical obstacles like me and her situation was more complicated, she has been a christian longer than I have been alive. She confessed that she doubting her faith and God's promises, she even stopped praying. My heart broke as we spoke. I knew that she was under spiritual attack and needed God more now than ever and I told her that. It is very hard to be disconnect from your church family when you are sick especially as baby christian like me, but she was no baby christian. She has been praying and reading her bible again and has taken back what the devil tried to steal from her, but it is easy to listen to all of the "what if 's" in this journey, it is human but certainly not spiritual.
     Every time the "what if 's" creep in I go straight to my knees now or I run to the word and the fear begins to dissipate.That is something the old Heather would NOT have tried as a first resort, that would have been after days or even weeks of trying to figure it out myself and of course discussing it with with others, all not cool. I began to realize that I had matured since last check and that although my own walk had not been everything God had planned for me, it still can be. AND that I have since day one of this diagnosis relied on ALL of the promises of God, when I read his word I take it literally and apply it to my life and to my situation, without that childlike belief in a best friend that I can't see or touch I may too have doubted the promises.
     I have missed many opportunities that God had for me in my life I am quite sure due to my disobedience, but maybe all of those failures have left me stranded in the wilderness wondering for 35 years for a purpose, for a moment just as this. A moment that I needed God and him alone, no person could fix it for me and I certainly couldn't. If I was going to beat this, it was only his will I had no control. In that I began a relationship with Christ that I can only say is deep, full and mature, I am sure on some days he still may dispute that, but I am on my way. Praise God!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y