One Day You Will:)

     This last month has been a whirl wind that included trip after trip to the city for expansion, expansion, expansion. I am AMAZED at how much my skin has stretched soooooo......AMAZING!!!! I am soooo happy. Dr. Rast has asked me with every expansion "Have you tried on any bras?". The answer was always no, no, no. I, quite frankly, was too tired, sore, and poor to think about a bra purchase. So, each week I kept saying.....BIGGER, BIGGER, BIGGER....and now I am thinking WHOA! What the heck happened in my shirt? LOL! I am sure when the tissue expanders get exchanged for the implants they will not be so prominent but now they are WOW. Radiation also kind of has a tendency to shrink the skin and make it less pliable so I am glad I over expanded but for now kinda think these make me look well....cartoon like:( LOL! I do not know how Dolly does it, but she MUST fall into bed at night and say AHHHHH, that's better.

   For those that are curious what the expansion process looks like....well.....imagine going from flat as a ironing board as I was in this photo below after mastectomy and again now after expansion. WOW, what a difference a month makes..

 It was HUGELY painful!!!! Thank you Miss.Valium for your relief of the muscle spasms, YOU ROCK!!!!!!! The x is just a marking spot until the expander settles, it will be tattooed also like the other 3 spots on my ivory body. They are tiny, but still I hated to get them. They are small though compared to the scars across each breast as you can see in the photo....they will fade with time and silicone scar tape, but still are there to remind me of the road I have been on FOREVER! And you know what.....that's okay. It has made me STRONG!!!!!

     Anyway....now on to rads that take me to and fro everyday Monday through Friday to Springfield from Lebanon. You are also SUCKY! Your buzzing GIANT machines whirling around me with your bright red lights crossing my chest and arm pit like an intersection....YOU SUCK! You, however, are also one of the tools that God is using to heal my body from the dreaded breast cancer that tried to steal my life. Thank you!!!!!!!! Thank you to all the sweet techs that give me heated blankets as I lay on that hard table with arms above my head, my head that is cocked to the side to keep my throat from getting sore from the radiation and wedge under my knees, feet strapped down. UGH!!!! Oh and don't forget to use gated breathing as the x-rays and treatments are done so you have even less lung exposure. I am on day 2 of 33 treatments that should end on or around my 36th birthday depending on skin integrity, weather conditions, acts of God and anything else that might keep me from getting to the Cashew Chicken Capital of the WORLD:) BTW, 35 year old single mothers of three children should NOT get cancer!!!!!!!

  

     Dear God,  Again I come to you with a thankful heart that only longs to edify and serve you. I hope that this experience that the satan meant for harm, you turn for good in me for you, myself and for my children. I want to raise them and see my grandchildren someday. Please let my story, my experience...painful, happy, sad, crazy experience help some one else, some where, some day.:)To you be ALL of the Praise and Glory.  AMEN!

This song was given to me by a friend and it has been an encouragement through this journey.....some days were and still are rough but I know that "One Day I Will" :)  Love you Kimmy:)

http://youtu.be/EY2Yct8LjOo

Guard my heart Lord.

  
         This week has been filled again with much travel beginning with Tuesday's trip back to KC for another fill of 75 ccs, for a GRAND total of 625. We are there:) Maybe another 50 or 100 post radiation to give us a cushion if there is any capsular contacture. I was blessed to have an old friend come with me on the drive and also grab a quick lunch with a old/new friend.  Today began early also with a trip to Springfield to get my radiation simulation, that included a cat scan which to date I had never had. It was not diagnostic but still gives me the creeps:( Anyway, it was painless and although uncomfortable because of the most recent fill, somewhat emotional due to JUST LIFE. But I did make it though and am better for it....just like every other step in this hellish journey that is cancer.
    I haven't really taken the time to think about the losses that I have experienced over the last few months. I asked God to help me and I believe he has disconnected the "dwell...waller in it....and the reflect" button and I am thankful, but today as I lay in the machine I think that this is the first time that I am really doing this "alone". I know I have my kids and my parents but I don't have "my person" and the tears began to roll. God is "my person" and always has been but some days you just need someone with flesh on them....today was one of those days. The start of turkey season was one of those days, that was supposed to be our time. I know that leaving was for the best and the only solution but I still miss my old life. You can't truly love someone and just turn the feelings off like a faucet, I can't anyway. I love the idea of belonging to someone. Today I felt alone, scared and unloved, and then I thought back and realized that I felt that same way before too, only there was someone sitting right beside me. So, I guess sometimes staying is worse than leaving.


"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. Don’t let your mouth speak dishonestly, and don’t let your lips talk deviously. Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil." Proverbs 4:23-27

Rads, Rogue cells, and Rambo:)

                                              This is what we think about CANCER!!!!

    As this journey takes another step out of the dark side and into the LIGHT, I find my self plagued with another challenge and obstacle. RADIATION !!! Not only am I afraid of the huge machine and cat scan I have to get done on Wednesday and the start up of radiation next Monday, I also hate the possible side effects of the radiation including another possible cancer.... just like the chemo I had can also cause non- Hodgkin's lymphoma or leukemia. It has to be done, just like the chemo and the benefits outweigh the risks by far. The possible heart and lung complications are real, but like with the RED DEVIL chemotherapy it would most likely show up 20 years from now, when I personally believe Jesus Christ himself will have returned to take me to heaven with him and all the other sinners turned saints by then so..... I am not worried about the side effects, I just hate that there are any.
    Cancer has changed my life in many ways impacting everything to the food that I eat, most of these changes needed to happen to keep me heart healthy and to maintain my weight. I am also trying to reduce stress and exercise more, both as of late have evaded me. Anytime there is a break up or move it is stressful and in the midst of cancer treatment it is HORRIBLE. I have switched all of my oncologists here and will have one more fill prior to radiation in KC. I HATE CHANGE and new people especially when I have had THE BEST of the BEST at the Kansas City Cancer Center North,  St. Lukes Northland Hospital and BEST PLASTICS doctor at Associated Plastic Surgeons in Overland Park. The new radiation doctor hails from Kansas and is wonderful but I am just dreading another regimen that lasts 33 business days and finishes on my 36th birthday. I HATE CANCER!
    I have been out of church for some weeks and can tell in my spirit that I NEED church. I need the Word of God to sustain me through these next few weeks. I feel as though I know why I am avoiding church and God right now and it is because I am hurt and angry that things didn't work out in my relationship. I can't be hurt, angry and living in the past once I take it to God and ask him to help. I am ashamed I have been holding on to this for this many days. I KNOW what God has done for me and I KNOW how he held my head up as I fought this disease and I KNOW that he is protecting me and guiding my steps even if right now I am in pain and hurting. He knows the future, not I. I asked him for help and guidance and he gave it to me, now I just need to accept it and go on living life instead of wondering why and what if this or that? For HE knows the plans....not I.
    Back to radiation....for those that don't know radiation will kill any rouge cells that may still be on or around the tumor site and where the positive lymph nodes were found. I will have 28 regular treatments and 5 boosts to the tumor and incision site to reduce chances of a local recurrence to 9 % rather than 25-33%. So, it is a no brainer. I am, however, going to be traveling 50 miles each way to Springfield each day for treatment. It only takes about 2 or 3 minutes and undressing takes longer, but WOW...what a drive. It is also a huge expense with gas prices so high and most recently my car had broken down....well the wheel anyway. I had a ball joint, tyrod thingy break, so more expense. Anyway, I have a very supportive family and group of incredible friends that have seen me though. I love you all:) Please continue to pray for me as I embark on another step in this ladder to freedom and survivorship. I will be taking on this challenge like the last.....as RAMBO:)

My cup runneth over....literally!!!!

   Well, my cup is literally running over and I am PRAYING that goodness and mercy is coming because this year has been rough. I have been filled to 550ccs today after an additional 75 was added today. I was hoping for 100ccs but GLAD we stuck with 75, because tonight I am in PAIN! UGH! Problem is we are STILL not at 600 or 650 and I am to start rads possibly as early as next week, which means he wants me to return to KC on Friday. I am unsure of how I will swing that and if I really want to, UGH! Also I have had drs appts, dentist with the kids, and my appts everyday this week and two more BEFORE Friday. Maybe I will make a road trip with one of my besties I haven't seen in a while and connect with some old friends while we are there. I think she and I need a girls only weekend. Oh...I forgot....it is ALWAYS girls only weekends around here now...well besides the my two main men:)
    But for tonight bring me the Valium, I need one I think. Dr Rast says they are crucial to success as they alleviate the muscle spasms. They are severe as they are NOT wanting to stretch anymore and truthfully I am feeling like the girls are under my arms and meeting in the middle. I have only taken it right after surgery and maybe once after the 100cc fill but as the implant gets larger it is having a harder time stretching thus the PAIN!!!! They are like ROCKS, I said coconuts before but I meant ROCKS! Dr. Rast also informed me that exchange should be as far from rads as possible even up to a year. A YEAR with these things...these ROCKS? WOW...not sure if I can do that, but skins integrity starts to improve the farther from rads as we go. He did, however, tell me that I am a D cup which makes me happy since after mastectomy I NEVER thought I would be more than an A. Thank you God for the new found womanhood. I hope I am not getting carried away. Please forgive me I have had boob envy for a while:)

Who is the new lady?

     My kids been the light at the end of the LONG, dark tunnel that is cancer. I feel so sad that they have had to see me go through all of the ups and downs of this disease. They have been impacted in many ways I feel some are positive but many are not. My 16 year old daughter has missed more than her share of school days for surgeries and support through this journey. My 9 year old has seen me cry, lose my hair and my breasts, which no 9 year old should have to see. My baby boy had to be weaned in 3 days prior to the mastectomy. I have worn 6 wigs now and I know he has to wonder which one of us is going to show up each morning. I feel like I haven't been the SUPERMOM that I was with my other two when they were small. I have been just trying to SURVIVE:)
  This isn't a sad, down in the dumps update. This is, however, a wake up call to all those who are supporting someone fighting cancer as well as the person fighting...cancer affects and impacts your ENTIRE family. Good and bad, it changes things. Maybe that is what happened in my recent relationship...I can't say. It is stressful and HARD. It can be dealt with with courage, dignity and grace and I feel like I have done that. I know the bald images of me with no eyebrows or lashes are hard to take for my family and loved ones as well as my self to see. I chose to show them for many reasons, one to show others that cancer isn't just for old people it affects young healthy moms. I also wanted to inspire others to fight this disease and WIN. Lastly I wanted others to see that MY GOD is still alive and working, healing, changing outcomes for us today.....not just in the old testament, BUT TODAY! Despite our circumstance or situation, he has a plan, one of which, I would like him to share with ME sooner than later:) Praise you God, to you be all the glory.
   Anyway, my kids are my life and will always be no matter what else changes. I was born to be a mother and for that I am so proud, being a mom is the greatest accomplishment of my life. On that note, I am going to take my little shorty to a meet and greet visit at a daycare tomorrow morning. It will be the first time he has stayed with someone besides family and I am a little nervous. Please pray that this is a perfect fit and so I will be able to go to work without worry. Dakota misses his school in KC but loves being back in town with family. Sierra loves mommy doing her laundry and making her dinner but she doesn't like the supervision or the INVOLVEMENT in her life that much. That is okay though, that is what a MOMMY is supposed to do.
    This week I have an appointment everyday but Friday and two days I have 2 and 3 appointments each. I am coming to KC Tuesday for my last fill. Last week I only got 50 because I knew I was moving and was afraid I couldn't get things done. I am up to 475 ccs now and Tuesday I will get another 100 to put me at 575. I want to exchange to 600 or 650 so, we have to keep pumping these things up. Right now they are almost to my collar bones..UGH! Hate that, they won't be like that after exchange but for swimsuit season it is a little weird. I did try on some of my old suits and although I can see my scar under my armpit on the left side, I should be able to still wear them. If I lose the last few pounds chemo packed on that is! I was worried about the top of my swim suit...I think it is the bottom half I should be concentrating on:)  It has been so hard and I haven't been over eating at all, in fact I have been as of late eating very little but the chemopause and the ROIDS have me REALLY jacked up. I start back on my elliptical tomorrow after I get it in from the garage. I will be starting radiation within the next two weeks also, so please....say a little prayer for me.

Afro's are still "in", right?

   Well it is official... for YEARS saying I wish I was black because I would always be tan and have a new hair do every day with wigs and weaves, I now have the start of what seems to be an Afro. Please do not write me and say that is racist cuz I am TOTALLY serious. My motto in my twenties was you can never be too thin or too tan....and hair has always been my "thing". So...no racism here. I hated losing my hair during chemo, probably one of the most dehumanizing things about the cancer...well and the whole no boobs thing. BUT...it gave me the opportunity to have a different hair do every day if I wanted. I have had five wigs and loved them all. I am still wearing them in fact because my hair is about 3/4 inches long and although has been manicured and colored it is still just too short for me, I feel anyway. But after moving today in 90 degree weather I have to ask...when should I debut the new do...I mean Afro? It is VERY wavy, not kinky or a TRUE Afro but coming from a girl with stick straight hair this gray, wavy mix was a HUGE slap in the face after having cancer.
     In fact, after cancer I think you should never have to worry about a recurrence and should wake up everyday looking like Carmen Electra and feeling like Wonder woman, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works. I am thankful and grateful for waking up at all after cancer and I am more aware than ever that everyday is a precious and a gift from God. I just wish that sometimes I could go back to the old H....:( The one that could hold her baby on her hip for hours without pain from the new equipment. The old Heather that could go and go and go without tiring. The old Heather that had confidence in her self and knew that any criticism was just others insecurities and not her own, knowing that cancer didn't make me "damaged goods". Ohhhh...pitty party.... OVER....Cancer gave me a new lease on life and I am just in a rough patch and this too shall pass. RIGHT? Yes of course:) God did not give me his word that this would be my testimony to share with others only to leave me with some lack luster life. ALL things in ABUNDANCE. That is what I am seeking. In fact I am being very specific with God about my needs and desires. I know that the Bible says ask and you shall receive....well I am asking and going to receive.
  Dear God, please give me a long and full life filled with my children and lots of happiness serving others and you. If it is your will for me to have a husband then send me one....I loved being married. I am a good wife and deserve a good husband. I also would like a new car as mine has 186,000 miles on it and now needs a new tyrod end, whatever that means but gotta fix that tomorrow too. I would like a new Tahoe or Suburban to carry all of my kiddos around, preferably in black. I also would like to find a job when I get settled that helps other and fulfills me as much as just being a mom, as right now I NEED to work. Also Jesus, I REALLY need some clarification on the tattoo verse in Leviticus...cuz I REALLY want one and have never had one before in all of my 35 years. It is a Bible verse and I would like to know about that one sooner than later cuz I am kinda in KC now and will be going home soon and would like to get it while I am here. BTW, please forgive me for all of the thoughts, actions and words I have been passing around over the last few weeks, I am ashamed, but God....you know he knows what buttons to push, and I'm sure he would say the same of me. Anyway...I am still so immature in you. I make the right decisions more than 75 percent of the time but there are those times when pushed in a corner that I fall and when I do it is usually BIG. Forgive me and help me be a better person that I might be an example of what to do instead of what NOT to do. Amen.
    On a lighter note...I have had 2 more fills since surgery. One of 25ccs the week after waking up from surgery with 300 and then last week I had another 100ccs for a grand total of 425ccs on my way to 550cc or 600. I am shooting for a 650 implant with exchange this fall after my skin heals from radiation. I have to say at this point they are doing the job stretching the skin but hardly look like the final reveal. I referred to them as hamburger buns and Dr. Rast said "I have never heard them called that, UNTIL TODAY". LOL! I have one of the BEST plastic surgeons in KC Dr.Rast at Associated Plastic Surgeons. He is the BOMB! I go back on Tuesday for another fill and I have an appointment to get my Leupron injection while I am here. I have transferred all of my dr's to southwest Mo where I am moving, due to the family support I have there in my mom and grandma. I will however have a few more appts up here in the upcoming weeks and then after rads the exchange surgery from IRON BRA to squishy boobies:) I can't wait. Again, thank you all for your love and support and thank you Jesus Christ my Strong tower, teach me to look to you for shelter from the storms of life.


Strong tower by Kutless.....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45y3gX2szKg

Learning to turn the other cheek.....is HARD!!!!!

I am a FIGHTER in every sense of the word. I have fought this cancer with EVERYTHING I have! I have also fought  with others throughout my life and during my fight with cancer. I am no longer able or willing to do both, I just want to LIVE! I am praying that this season of my life is also for a reason...God...how much more do you think I can take?!!!!!!!!  BUT he says "NEVER more than you can stand".  He must think I am moonlighting as Super Girl!!!!!! LOL!  I need to learn that I cannot control others or others views of me based on truths, half truths or falsehoods. TURN THE OTHER CHEEK !!!! Please God give me strength! Seriously...I am asking for prayer during this time, thank you all. I love you!

Surgery number 4 and counting :(

Dear tissue expander,
              I know your purpose and plan to stretch my skin and muscles to accommodate some voluptuous boobs for me a little later down the line but right now...YOU SUCK!
                                                                                                         Love, H

      I had surgery on Wednesday morning at 8:00 am after arriving at St. Joseph Medical Center at 6:00 am with mom in tow. Baby boy and Dakota were with my stepmother at the house and Sierra was unable to come because she is starting her first job and I am soooo proud of her. Go Sierra :) Anyway, my wonderful plastic surgeon Dr. John Rast is awesome and all I can say about that is that he is a GOD SEND and I am in debt to him forever, You are a blessing to me and so many others. I also want to thank my BreastCancer.org girls that have been a huge support and wealth of information during this entire process. I love you Deborah-Whippetmom...AKA Breast Whisperer, Laura- Estepp....AKA Babydoll- you both have been instrumental in my reconstruction journey and networking with Dr. Rast. I love you both!!!!

   Despite the fact that I knew I wanted reconstruction surgery I had no idea how tough  it would be, I have no pain with my BMX so I assumed that I would have minimal with the TE surgery as well. I knew the fills could be painful and I was prepared for that, I guess:) Anyway, due to my need to fill fast for upcoming radiation I was filled to 300 cc's in surgery. Which is A LOT!!!!! I woke up with some serious cleavage that seem to begin right below my collar bones...hopefully not for long...that would be wayyyy weird. I am extremely sore and have had A LOT of pain. I never take pain meds but begged for some on the way home from the hospital. I am taking Valium for muscle spasms and hydrocodone for pain and I am still in some serious pain when I get up or sit down out of a reclining position. I have to admit I have not been the best patient either. I never get sick and I still can't fathom that I had cancer.                                        

   Well, just an update on how things are going here. Please be praying for my complete healing and a reprieve from the pain I am experiencing. I long to hold my little man in my arms, kiss and squeeze him. Thanks again to all for your love and support.  I love you all !!!! Thank you Jesus for protecting me through but another surgery that I would live to raise my children and serve you all the days of my life.

Surgery in 10 hours and counting....YIKES!!!!!

I am having surgery in the morning at 8:30 am, I have to be at the hospital at 6am. I am going to try to catch some zzzzzz's. Please pray for me tonight that I might get some sleep and that I will have a successful and safe surgery tomorrow. Thank you and good night:)

Just three sleeps left.....:)

    Just three sleeps left until my tissue expander surgery. I have been chemo free for almost two weeks tomorrow, WHOOO!!!! I am still having severe muscle stiffness, fatigue, neuropathy in my fingers and toes and some facial bloat but overall I am recovering well. I am almost back to my normal weight with just 3lbs. to go, all water from the steroids. I HATE THEM!!!!! I have not had any blood work since last chemo so I am assuming my counts are good to go but I won't know until Wednesday morning at pre op, my oncologist thinks we are good to go though. I am very excited but nervous also, I HATE SURGERY! This particular surgery has restrictions of my arms thus keeping me from lifting my little man and caring for him in many ways, like changing diapers:( I am struggling with that aspect of this part of the journey, no lifting more than a gallon of milk for 3-6 weeks possibly. My mother is coming to stay for a few days, but will have to return to work in a day or two. So, I will be pretty dependant on others for a while. Colt is getting so big and so sweet. He is such a blessing to me, his life literally saved mine. I wouldn't have found the tumor had it not grown so rapidly during my pregnancy. He is my little angel boy! Thank you God for him.

    There have been some roller coaster events happening in my life now and I am READY to get off the ride. Thanks to all of you for your love and support through this adventure. I am looking forward to closing the book on the breast cancer part of my life. Surgery, radiation and then Tamox followed by exchange surgery in the fall or winter....check ups check ups check ups....but soon I will have my life back and my appointment book, cancer was a full time job. So, until next time peeps. Peace out!

The Fourth Kardashian Sister

    Guess who is done with chemo? Yep, it's this girl! I had my last chemotherapy treatment on Monday and I am feeling good. I am still a little tired, swollen and winded, but I am on the mend. My last infusion was uneventful, my two wonderful nurses were "WONDERFUL" as usual. April and Ann....I LOVE YOU ! You aren't just my nurses, you are my friends:)  Thank you for everything and for the beautiful plant !!!!  Bye bye Power port, although you have been a life saver, you saved my veins from the RED DEVIL and all other mustard gas derivatives but SOON....very soon you are OUTTA here! Oh and GOOD BYE steroids. You blow my face up like Miss. Puff, make my belly look like a marshmallow and my booty like a Kardashian sister without the boobies. I HATE YOU !
    There is one thing I would like to voice about chemotherapy. It is HARD but with all of the NEW drugs given as premeds and maintenance for nausea and vomiting, etc. It is doable! I never vomited, I did have MILD nausea, which was totally alleviated with these drugs. Don't decide you can't do chemo because you mother, grandfather, friend had chemo and was "sick" during treatment. Today's chemotherapy is very different than the chemotherapy my grandmother had, she was very sick. I was NOT. I was weak, but not violently ill. Chemotherapy is what kills cancer, it shrinks tumors, kills stray cells. Chemotherapy saves lives. So, when I hear people say after being diagnosed that they WILL NOT do chemo, I just want them to know it is doable. Fight that cancer with whatever they give you, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!
    The next step for me is surgery to begin my reconstruction, I am so excited. Please pray, it is March 16. I cannot wait to feel like my self again. I have decided to go bigger with my expansion, pending my skin integrity. I want to give myself a little cushion in case someday I put on a few pounds :) On that note, I am ending chemo at 1lb over my starting weight. If you saw me you would think I have gained a few though, the steroids are HORRIBLE! But soon I will be de puffing. Keep drinking H20 girl! Flush that bloat! I am also starting to exercise daily at least 30 minutes to prevent recurrences. Flax seed, D3, Omega 3's for my heart due to my estrogen suppression, limiting red meat to 2x weekly and trying to find hormone free chicken, beef, pork etc. THEY ARE THE ENEMY! Well, them and soy, soy is bad for ER/PR+cancer too. No soy isolates peeps, they are in protein bars and shakes too. Watch out! Radiation and Tamox to follow.
    Hair.....I have all kinds of hair! My scalp is completely covered with........GREY hair! WHAT! Yeah, it is grey. It is more of a "salt and pepper" color, whatever that is:)  I am a Sparkling Sherry girl and am just waiting for the go ahead from my Oncologist to color this pixie! I will unveil it soon, it is coming in fast. I am still wearing my wigs but hope soon to be going topless as my chemo girls call it:) Going topless used to mean something totally different when I had boobs:) LOL!
   Well, those are just some of the changes I am going through and making since chemo is finished. I am also pleased to announce that I am back in church full time now since my counts have rebounded. I am sooooo excited to be back, I need my church family. I need to be plugged in. I want to sing from the roof tops about all that God has done for me. I hope to share my testimony soon with others. God has been sooo good to me and I give him all the praise and glory. HE is AWESOME!!!!

Post Chemo Do.....:)

This is my stylist Candice....isn't she awesome! I maybe using some clip on hair pieces to achieve it for a while but how adorable!

LIFE IS GOOD!

     I have finished fifteen of the sixteen chemotherapy treatments today, one more next Monday. Whooo!!!! Then it is time to gear up for surgery, I am sooooo EXCITED, nervous and scared, but mostly just EXCITED. I am thrilled to regain my shape and then some, it will be a process with the final results not coming until fall but I will have a shape. I have to laugh when I think about the coconut bras with the grass skits and the similarities with the tissue expanders, they can be a fright. I met with a WONDERFUL plastic surgeon and can only thank GOD for his compassion and sensitivity. HE is awesome!!!! We set up a surgery date of March 16, that is wayyy sooner than I though I could have surgery. My counts were pretty low today, praying they rebound before surgery or it won't happen. It is about an hour and a half surgery, did I mention I hate surgery?
   We are placing Allegran 550cc, 14 wide medium profile expanders that will be filled a little during surgery and  then VERY rapidly in the following weeks. This process can be painful and especially if you are getting it done so quickly but due to the radiation time frame we must fill FAST. So, although I am thrilled, I am scared of the possibility of pain, although with my mastectomy I didn't even need a Tylenol. Amazing huh? God has carried me through every aspect of this journey and I am not doubting his plan, so once again FIX YOUR EYES ON ME, Heather. Okay Jesus. So surgery on the 16th fill, fill, fill until I am happy with size and the skin is holding up, then 30 something rads with a few boosts to the tumor site. The radiation can affect outcome but this dr has experience with expander, rads, exchange. MD Anderson protocol is the newest and best on radiation and positive reconstruction outcomes and that is what we are following. Please pray for me in this leg of this journey.
    It was so fun to try on the implants with a fitted t-shirt on and look like myself again....AWESOME. I had to take a few pics....I will share one although I do look like Miss Puff off of Spongebob due to the steroids, not for long though:) So, ignore the pudgy water belly, chubby arms and swollen face. I could go on, But WON'T !

Yeah...boobies!!!! Or as Dorinda likes to say...Boobalicious! I am so thankful to be almost done with chemotherapy. It has been ROUGH! Thank you again to all of the people that have made up the slack, held my hand and my head up.  I love you all.! Thank you Jesus for being my savior, healer, comforter and most of all my heavenly father. I will spend my life serving you and edifying you by telling others what you have done in my life.  Life is GOOD!!!!

Love deeper, speak sweeter :)

        I have heard the song by Tim McGraw "Live Like you were dying"  many times, it is about his father Tug McGraw who discovered he had terminal cancer and died shortly after, but never prior to cancer did I REALLY know what the lyrics meant. I have lived my life scared of many things including just living. Exhibit A- airplanes. I have NEVER flown. I have taken chances on things that have bombed, I have ventured out where I shouldn't have been, I have made lots of mistakes in my thirty five year old life. One thing I hadn't done though prior to cancer was live like each day was so precious and could be taken away at any moment. We are born and die at an appointed time, I am not sure what that time is for me, as are you, but I can tell you that life is best living it with urgency and purpose.

   My purpose besides living a Christ centered life has been to be a mommy first and foremost, it is by far the most rewarding, challenging, hands down BEST job in the world. I love my kids more than life, but feel that in the hustle and bustle of life and it's hardships and problems I have failed to ENJOY being a mother to the fullest. I know now that I am not Wonder Woman, contrary to popular belief :-) I didn't hug my children long and hard every day, I didn't hang on every single Mommy listen..... to this or that after  hearing it 50 times a day. I can do better in EVERY area of my life.  I could have done better but I was living life like there would always be tomorrow to fix any problems or issues I was having. I was foolish. I took my life and my loves all for granted. I am an affectionate, loving, wonderful mother, sister, friend, but I have not lived like I was dying. I have found that many positive things have come out of this diagnosis and this is one of them........My new PASSION for life.

  Patience and deeper love for life as well as everything and everyone in it came very easily. I was always a soft person I believe not hard, bitter or jaded but certainly didn't have the deep love for life as I do now. In the song live like you were dying Tim says "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing, I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Shu, And I loved deeper, And I spoke sweeter, And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin', And he said some day I hope you get the chance, To live like you were dyin'." I know it is just lyrics to a country song but it is so true when facing a deadly disease. Hindsight is 20/20 and I cannot change the past although there are many things I would change. If you lucky, healthy peeps can live like you were dying BEFORE you get that phone call or test result no one wants to hear you my friends will be one step ahead of me.

   Living like you were dying is living life with ZEAL and WOW. LOVE is number one, in hand with FORGIVENESS of others that have wronged you even if they didn't say they were sorry. PASSION and PURPOSE is also on the forefront. Living a PURPOSE driven life is AWESOME and if you want to know or want a deeper meaning of what that means you should get the book Purpose Driven life. It is a LIFE CHANGING book, not about dying but about living and prioritizing your life to make it conducive to the purpose that you were put on this earth for. Again this book is LIFE CHANGING, a must read. Living like you were dying frees you to do things that are purposeful and not just routine, in fact it's okay to say NO to things that hinder you from fulfilling your purpose. PRIORITIZING your life....what is important to you? Who is important to you? Living a purposeful life simplifies the way you live day to day, it makes you take account the activities, people, places that are not fruitful or conducive to your purpose therefore a kind of downsizing. It is AMAZING!!!

   Life is short and although it seems you may be going to live forever, you won't. You could die tomorrow in a car crash, of cardiac arrest or you could like me get cancer and have to fight for your life. If you learn one thing from all of my blog ramblings about cancer and my little life I hope it is this... find your life's purpose and LIVE IT OUT!!! Live your life like tomorrow is your last day. Love deeper, speak sweeter.

"Shave to Save" fundraiser via Rafael Filion and The American Cancer Society

Together, we can save lives from cancer!
This year, nearly 1.5 million people will hear the words "You have cancer," and there's a good chance that some of them will be people we know and love. Just recently my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer and will undergo surgery here in mid February. Her faith in the lord has pulled her through this ordeal at this stage in her life, as I put my hopes and faith in the man upstairs I feel compelled to do my part and raise awareness while I too fight in my own way side by side with those have to deal with this on a daily basis.

Cancer is a scary word but I am inspired by Heather Edwards-Stephenson, a friend of mine who has been fighting Cancer with vigor, and valor, I thought it was necessary to help her tell her story to the world and fight alongside her, my mother and everyone else affected by this disease directly or indirectly.
I have chosen to create a world with less cancer and more birthdays – where cancer never steals another year from anybody’s life – by helping the American Cancer Society’s work.

With our help, the American Cancer Society saves lives and creates more birthdays by helping people stay well, helping people get well, by finding cures, and by fighting back.

For nearly a century, the American Cancer Society has fought for every birthday threatened by every cancer in every community.

 Will you join me?

I hope you will support me in my effort to reach my goal by using the links below....
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=18835432&fr_id=35010&pg=personal

Here is Heathers’ story and link to her blog where she writes about her fight as she knocks out Cancer.

Heather’s Story

     The day the world just stopped…..I was looking forward to an upcoming marriage, becoming a new mother to my 6 month old baby boy and my other two beautiful children when my life was halted by cancer. Tuesday July 13, 2010 was like any other hot summer day, bustling with three children at home, but normal nonetheless, except this day would change my life forever. I went to my annual “girly” appointment I was still having issues with my left breast, I believed due to a blocked milk duct.  I had been having issues for a few months but that “dent” on the left breast had not gone away. I asked my doctor to look at it today while I was there. It couldn’t be anything too serious I mean I had just had two breast exams in the last year while I was pregnant and everything must be fine or they would have told me. It was probably just a stubborn blocked duct.

    Exam, mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, lumpectomy and then bilateral mastectomy would be in store for the weeks following. WOW, this is so hard. How at 35 years old with no family history of breast cancer could I be facing the fight of my life? How could I have breast cancer or any cancer? Would I be here to raise my children?  Was I going to be disfigured? Would he even want to marry me with no breasts? Could I beat this?  What are my odds? Chemotherapy? Radiation? My world was spinning and everything was out of control. Cancer had invaded my body and taken control of life as I once knew.

   Invasive ductal carcinoma is the proper name, a 3.2 cm tumor had been growing in my body and I didn’t even know I was sick. It had invaded 3 of my lymph nodes and if not found could have metastasized to other parts of my body, like my liver, bones, or brain. I was diagnosed with the “good” kind of breast cancer in terms of treatment and life expectancy, PRAISE GOD!!! I guess it could be worse I thought. There are women facing this BEAST at 23 years old in much more aggressive form and when diagnosed are already at stage IV. I was “lucky” in terms of cancer; I was only stage 2b, if you call it luck. That didn’t excuse me from the hard road I had ahead.

   Since that hot July day, I have had three surgeries and face at least two or three more before it is over with reconstruction, five grueling months of chemotherapy, and thirty something days of radiation soon. It has been one heck of a journey and when I think back on the day I was diagnosed I can’t believe I have come this far. The support of my family, my church and friends has been the catalyst propelling me forward on this road. My faith in Jesus Christ, my healer, my redeemer, my everything, has been the one thing that has never changed or wavered.  I give Him all the praise and glory, for He is so good.

     I am learning that life is best lived and not just going through the motions. Cancer tried to steal my life, but I believe that cancer may have actually given me a new lease and appreciation for life that I may have never experienced. I am stronger than ever and know that I can conquer anything life throws at me now. You can’t have a testimony without a test, this is my test and now I hope to be a testimony. A testimony to the power and promises of Jesus Christ and what he can do in your life. Cancer isn’t a cake walk but you can tread and triumph over the mountain, standing at the top screaming “Cancer….take that”.   

    Cancer is an awful disease that doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are a child, a mother, a son, a father or daughter. It is an equal opportunity offender. We have to STOP cancer in its tracks. We can do that by better screenings and detection, promoting healthy lifestyles, making advancements in treatments and CURES. Yes, I believe that cancer can be cured, not NED- no evidence of disease but CURED. The new genetic testing is finding links to all sorts of cancers that can be prevented through surgery like preventative mastectomy for breast and removal of ovaries for ovarian. These findings are the key to unlocking the CURE to many cancers by stopping them before they even form. This gives me as a mother and cancer survivor hope that my daughter may never have to “Fight like a Girl.”

  
For more on my cancer journey from start to finish line follow me at http://heathersknockingoutcancer.blogspot.com/

Hello...it's me" BOOBS" again.

      Now that chemo is coming to a close and I am nearing the next leg of this journey my thoughts have been consumed with boobs. My old ones, my new ones, different sizes, shapes and all of the surgeries that it requires to get an achieved looked, if there is one after a modified radical mastectomy on my left side and prophylactic on the right. Delaying reconstruction was not my idea but my oncologist, that is in the business of saving lives, not boobs or other spare parts. I have done everything by protocol since diagnosis, including delaying reconstruction in favor of the most aggressive treatment as soon as possible. I have no regrets at this point but as a woman I miss my breasts.
    I was breast feeding Colt when I was diagnosed and had to wean him in three days before surgery, hardest thing I have ever had to do. Having said all that.... Let's be REAL I had "mom boobs" after three pregnancies, breast feeding and just age- they had some issues but they were mine. I have been looking at pictures of my old boobs to take with me to the plastic surgeon and having a pity party for myself.  BEFORE you say anything....I know they are just boobs and don't make the woman anymore than clothes make the man, but I am struggling. The reconstruction photos at even the BEST surgeons are less than perfect. I see the scars that run across my flat chest everyday and although I knew I wasn't going to love the way reconstruction would look I knew I still wanted reconstruction.
   It is a personal choice and now at this point I know why women don't choose to reconstruct. One, we are too flippin' worn out after chemo, radiation, CANCER in general. Two, more surgeries after being through 3 already I dread another 3 to complete the process Three, what they could look like with no breast tissue to hide the implant is often scary. There are so many issues, such as will I have enough skin to achieve the size or shape I desire? Will they look natural or like something out of alien flick? I have seen too many of those type to count. Not to mention the debate about implants period, do they cause cancer?  Do they inhibit imaging? It is all A LOT to consider. I will be having reconstruction but what type ? The two step expander surgery....who knows? I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of consulting these next few weeks. My radiation is supposed to begin within 10 weeks after chemo to achieve the most benefit.
    So, surgery in the next month or two to be what my radiation oncologist calls "fully expanded" before we begin radiation therapy 30 something treatments to kill any cancer cells at the tumor or skin site that may have been left after surgery. Clear margins both times but don't want to take a chance:) Radiation can cause capsular contrature of my expander or implant making the skin and implant hard, thus hurting appearance and causing other issues. So, the newest, most favorable outcomes to date are those that have expander placement then radiation but the risk is still 50/50. Once again, I am trusting God to lead me to the right surgeon and to give me the most desirable reconstruction possible.
    As I look through the photos of what I thought was a healthy body realizing now I was growing a cancer in my breast, I am still sad and somewhat grieving. I wasn't Bo Derek in a swimsuit but I did take care of the body that God gave me and tonight...... I am sad. I am so thankful to be alive and so thankful for all of the blessings I have in my life but as a woman, I am grieving my breasts. I am taking comfort in a post from one of my sisters in the Ta Ta sisterhood  that goes......Yes, they are FAKE the REAL ones tried to kill me:)

I will hold you up.......:)

Dear God, it's me H.....:)

      WOW.....how my life has changed since last year this time. Last year I this time I had a newborn baby. Changing diapers, sleepless nights, and breast feeding my little angel was all my days consisted of. What a great time that was, I miss that time. My life was predestined, I was going to get married, have another baby, and I was going to look good doing it. I love fashion, clothes, purses, hair, all that is outward shallow beauty, I am still that person, but different. That person is trapped in a boob less body with a GI Jane hair cut, not exactly cover of Vogue to say the least. My vanity has been put on the back burner throughout this journey, cause...... what can you do? I wanted to live no matter how disfigured I felt.
    Seeing this journey almost halfway through and all downhill from now, I am getting VERY excited to get back to looking like myself. Confidence and  beauty are from the inside I KNOW!! But boobs and hair are looking pretty awesome as of late. I have 4 treatments left and then surgery to get my groove back on, I mean my boobs back on. LOL! I am so excited, I am scheduling consultations with some plastics docs this week. I am anxious to see some magic be done in the operating room, CANNOT WAIT!!!! I know it will be another challenge with restrictions for a while but I need something GOOD at this point, especially since rads are to follow for 30 something grueling days. Final implant exchange surgery will be done 3-6 months later. YEAR OF TEARS, so true. My journey pending no complications from the rads, which my radiation oncologist seems to think we will avoid, Please PRAY!!! will be about a year and a half.
    I have been entertaining the thoughts of going back to work for a while or volunteering at a nursing home, or helping other survivors. I want to THRIVE!!!! So, I have been applying for a few weeks just for the heck of it and have had no call backs or interviews. I am excellent at what I do, so I just kind of gave up, then I got a phone call for an interview. Went and  it went excellent despite my wig and powdered in eyebrows. I didn't tell them about my cancer yet. It was a panel interview and all were young women so I think they knew I was wearing a wig, but no questions. They seemed interested but as I drove off.... again I asked God that if it is his will for me and I am physically well enough for this job I was ready, but ONLY if it was him and not something I was trying to make happen.
    As I sat in chemo today I got a call back , they want to visit with me again, YEAH!!!! I am BLESSED and FAVORED!!!! Praise you GOD you are so good. I know it isn't a done deal but I do feel like God is working and opening doors that I may or may not be ready for. I guess if he thinks I am I really am !!! I will, if offered the job tell them I will be needing a week off within the next two months for surgery and I will have to schedule my chemo for a Saturday or Sunday, or maybe an evening? So, a lot of new happenings here. New home, maybe new job, new boobs.....things are looking up:) LOL!
   Where I am in my life one year later is disheartening and maybe that is wrong thinking. Some days I look at cancer as an opportunity to draw and develop a closer relationship with God, and give me a greater appreciation for life and how I want to spend the rest of mine. On other days I feel that it stole so much from me I just want to forget it and live like it never happened. I know that out of this horrible experience I have been molded and sharpened for a greater opportunity. Not sure if it means helping other survivors by doing a  "Look good, Feel good" program to aid in the cosmetic challenges of this journey, which would be very rewarding or maybe founding a breast cancer survivor group at our church or maybe something else?  I am looking forward to fulfilling the promise that God gave me before I was ever diagnosed and on the loo the day I was told I had cancer. This is your testimony and you will tell lots of women your story. PRAISE YOU GOD!!!!! By your stripes, we are healed.

Dear God, I  want to thank you for the opportunities that you give me to tell my story to others almost daily,  including my beautiful daughter and her sweet friend Andrea this weekend. I hope that the talks we had about breast cancer and the vision of the scars on my chest would spark them to do self exams and live a healthy lifestyle. Above all let my life be a living testimony to you and your glory, thank you again for always holding me throught my life and on the darkest days:) Love, H

This is what it feels like to be held.......This song has been very special to me through this journey, but as I posted it tonight I want to say that it reminded me of a high school friend that lost her beautiful daughter last year suddenly. Jenny, I love you and hope that you know that I think of you often and want to dedicate this song to you:) God bless you and your family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP6T1bJEO6Y

Living life outloud

      I am more than half way through my second phase of chemotherapy and with only five treatments left I am feeling pretty good. I am still fatigued and counts are still hovering around three, but my red counts are going up leaving me less breathless and weak for that I am thankful. I have new hair growth and have started growing new eyelashes that I am already donning with mascara despite them being uber short, thank God for the small things:)
      I am so blessed despite the chaos that surrounds this diagnosis. If attitude is everything, then I have already won. I have drew on my faith and relationship with God and he has supplied my every need, Praise him for he is sooo good. Sierra, Dakota and Colt have been doing incredible and I have to give so much credit to the great family support I have had throughout this journey.   
   So, life goes on after breast cancer and I am proof. You can't stop living and you can't give up. You just have to keep propelling yourself forward, not looking back and wondering if it's going to return or if they got all of it, or if it is hiding somewhere else. You can't do it !!! So, when all of those thoughts creep in I get busy doing something else like just LIVING:)

Child like faith, with a dash of spiritual maturity ♥

       There is much to be said about having a child like faith, it is very difficult to do as an adult with such a bright, logical and analytical mind. I have known Jesus since I was about 6 years old, but I have strayed from my faith since then. I also have never fully matured as a christian due to the unwillingness to serve God with all my heart and to pursue a sin free life. I would get on fire for God and lose momentum or passion due to the inability to GIVE him my life, I was too busy controlling my own life and every one in it to allow that. NOT very spiritual, huh? BUT It is the truth.
     I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago and she also had been facing physical obstacles like me and her situation was more complicated, she has been a christian longer than I have been alive. She confessed that she doubting her faith and God's promises, she even stopped praying. My heart broke as we spoke. I knew that she was under spiritual attack and needed God more now than ever and I told her that. It is very hard to be disconnect from your church family when you are sick especially as baby christian like me, but she was no baby christian. She has been praying and reading her bible again and has taken back what the devil tried to steal from her, but it is easy to listen to all of the "what if 's" in this journey, it is human but certainly not spiritual.
     Every time the "what if 's" creep in I go straight to my knees now or I run to the word and the fear begins to dissipate.That is something the old Heather would NOT have tried as a first resort, that would have been after days or even weeks of trying to figure it out myself and of course discussing it with with others, all not cool. I began to realize that I had matured since last check and that although my own walk had not been everything God had planned for me, it still can be. AND that I have since day one of this diagnosis relied on ALL of the promises of God, when I read his word I take it literally and apply it to my life and to my situation, without that childlike belief in a best friend that I can't see or touch I may too have doubted the promises.
     I have missed many opportunities that God had for me in my life I am quite sure due to my disobedience, but maybe all of those failures have left me stranded in the wilderness wondering for 35 years for a purpose, for a moment just as this. A moment that I needed God and him alone, no person could fix it for me and I certainly couldn't. If I was going to beat this, it was only his will I had no control. In that I began a relationship with Christ that I can only say is deep, full and mature, I am sure on some days he still may dispute that, but I am on my way. Praise God!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y

My mess, HIS message.





New Years 2011





      I have to start this post by saying GOD is soooo AWESOME!!!! I was concerned about my blood count last week as they continued to dive, but as prayers from the saints went up and GOD'S healing hand intervened, things changed. I had a white blood cell count of 4.1 today....one tenth over a low" NORMAL."  PRAISE YOU GOD, for you are my healer and my strength. I give you ALL the glory and praise!!!!!  However, I am far from normal, as my dad said today:)
    As I sat today talking with my favorite chemo nurse April, I shared some of the feelings I had been having about who I had become as a result of this disease. I explained to her that I don't want to be referred to as the girl that had cancer for the rest of my life, I am so much more than cancer. I was told in the beginning of this journey by my sweet friend Dara, " Don't let this define you". That was GREAT advice, thank you love. I never knew that a friendship I had twenty something years ago would come again and that her words would be so powerful in this walk :) I have been approached by another friend Rafael to help him with a local cancer fundraiser called SHAVE TO SAVE in May, I feel honored that he would want me to be a part of it. But I have to say I will NOT be the one shaving my head for this one, I should have AT LEAST Halle Berry hair by then;-)
    All joking aside, I am making "MY MESS" into" HIS MESSAGE", I do not want to be the girl that just survived cancer, but I do want to be an advocate for finding a cure, supporting other young women going through this dreaded disease in some way. Most of all I want to be the girl that isn't just a breast cancer survivor, I want to be a testimony to the power of  GOD ALMIGHTY,  KING OF EVERYTHING.  I want to tell others what he has done in my life, I am changed by this experience, I am forever changed. When GOD spoke to me last fall and told me "This is your testimony and you are going to tell it to LOTS of other women", I had no idea what testimony. A testimony of mistakes I have made and how he was changing my heart and life, was I no different than every other sinner ? What did I have to offer someone else? Who would want to know about my past and all the things I had done and was ashamed of ? What GOD what do you want me to tell them ? I didn't know until I was diagnosed in July and within an hour, on the toilet, as I cried in devastation there HE was again telling me the same thing word for word.
     For those that are either non believers or those that have never had a personal relationship with Christ you may doubt that GOD has the time to speak to you personally, but HE does. I am living proof that he does and he will and if you let HIM in and you seek HIM, read HIS word and fill your mind with HIM, HE will change your life as HE has mine. I am far from perfect and am and will be a work in progress, just like the children's church song....HE's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be. So, maybe you won't be as "lucky" as me to have trial by fire with a cancer diagnosis, but I have to say that even without  that desperation you too will find him, all you have to do is ask.
Check out this video, this is my life song........I hope it touches your heart.
Love, H
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee1-qHCmDUQ

"Team PINK 2011"

       It is bad to say that I am soooooo ready to close this year out and begin fresh in 2011?  I will never forget what I have been through or where I am from, but I am ready for a rebirth :) I visited "home" a week ago and I felt like it was no longer my "home". I love visiting my family and friends, but this is my home. Somehow that seems bittersweet for me, I always felt that Lebanon was my safe place. I have family and friends there that love me, as I do here now, but people that have known me and been there for me for many years. That has not changed and then there is my beautiful but stubborn daughter that insists that she MUST graduate from Conway high school, UGH! I know that if she were here everyday, despite the normal mother-daughter battles my life would feel complete, there is always something missing now :(  I felt as though I was living the Miranda Lambert song The house that built me.....I was very sad.
     I arrived back home with a sense of relief and safety, although I grew up in Kansas City I guess until last week it wasn't my home. I have said many times that home is a person and not a place and that I still believe wholeheartedly. With all this being said, I felt as I drove home that I had lost something, that I wasn't the same girl that I knew in Lebanon, yet I am not the same woman I was when I moved here a few years back, I cried.
     Cancer has changed the person I am and whether I want to admit it or deal with it, it is true. It has made me stronger and weaker at the same time, it has done some good and bad so I can't say that it is all bad that I got cancer. I can say that what Satan meant for harm God has turned into something good. He has drawn me near to him and caused people that I depended on in the past to be scarce after I got sick and that is okay, it was also all part of his plan. I would have continued to depend on PEOPLE to get me through this and they would have failed me. That is what we as humans do, we are imperfect. I am not the girl I used to be and I am not the woman I thought I was and that is okay too. The new dilemma is.......who am I now?
    God has always throughout my life been my rock and he will always be, whenever there has been turmoil or storms I always turn to him for help. So, now he is just going to have to show me the kind of woman that he wants me to be and mold me into that. I am looking forward to my rebirth and all the things God has in store for me. He has taken me to a place throughout my mess that has left me totally dependant on him and now he is preparing me for what he has in store for me. I am not sure what that is and for me that is scary, but I have trusted in him thus far and I know that his plans and his ways are far better than mine.
     Welcome 2011, whatever it is you have in store!!!!!

Merry CHRISTMAS !!!!!

       The stockings are hung on the chimney with care in hopes that St.Nick will visit our "Merry Christmas Tree". Colt loves the "Merry Christmas Tree" so much so even at the mention of the words" Merry Christmas" he searches for the 9 foot fir.  Christmastime is here and it is always a very special time for me and my children, this year will be no different, DESPITE CANCER.  I believe that the traditions that we ingrain in our children will hopefully be passed on generation to generation. I know that the traditions my parents shared with my brother and I are still carried out in the lives of our children and with the blending of two families traditions, we have A LOT to accomplish this year. It is such an exciting time with Colt learning to walk and Dakota up to his usual antics and Sierra adopting every pet west of the Mississippi. We are focused on giving the kids a "good" Christmas, but more than that we are sharing the love of family and of Christ.
    We will be baking baby Jesus a birthday cake, reading the story of the birth of Christ and ensuring that the kids realize that Christmas isn't about Santa or gifts. It is about Christ and how his life and death was the greatest gift of all. In this house it is MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy holidays!!!
   On a different note all together, I have had 2 of the 12 doses of Taxol and now only 10 left. YEAH!!!! I didn't have any allergic type reactions with the infusions and this time my pre-treatment steroids were eliminated and the infusion steroids were reduced from 10 mg to 4 mg, so no moon face hopefully :) Although tonight I have some mild itching around my eyes but I am unsure if it has any connection. At this point I am just monitoring. Please pray that it resolves itself.
     I also have had some moderate bone pain after treatment and continued fatigue but by far so much better than A/C. My white blood counts are still hovering at 3 and 4, still not great and I am low on the reds too, started some iron pills this week. Please pray that my platelets, red cells and my tanking white counts continue to improve, despite this dreadful chemo. Until the next time.....MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your family and my God bless you and yours:)

To God be the glory........:)

       Today is day 3 of my first round of Taxol, I will be getting twelve weekly and I am still feeling fine. Yeah!! I do have a slight sore throat and a start of a sore on my tongue due to a filling that cracked two weeks ago and started the whole sore mouth deal. I can't visit the dentist while on chemo so I have used some temp filling and I am hoping it holds this time. I have had no nausea and fatigue or bone pain so far, PRAISE GOD!!!! I have felt like my old self for over a week, no treatment last week and now the effects of the Taxol make me wonder if I am getting a placebo:)
    I have an oncologist appointment today and a relaxing weekend planned with family and friends. I have seen the light at the end of this tunnel and I am LOVING what I see. God has been so good to me and as I have said many times before he has carried me through every treatment, every surgery, every crazy moment. Thank you Jesus to you all the glory.

He is making ALL things NEW:)

       Can I just say there is NO greater feeling in the world than feeling healthy, other than being healthy!!!! I had never felt sick before my diagnosis and even with all the surgeries had not been ill, despite having breast cancer. Who knew something that was trying to kill you could be so sneaky and painless? Well,  I had a week off of chemo this week and my body, mind and spirit needed it BAD!!!! I, once again, had a hard time rebounding from the last A/C treatment two and a half weeks ago, as the side effects were terrible and the cumulative fatigue was worse. I developed mouth sores that were on each underside of my tongue, I could not eat anything and barely drank for 5 days, nothing like the chemo diet to make you lose 13 lbs in a month. I am at a good weight for me but chemo is not the time to diet. I can say that the mouth sores have been the most excruciating part of this process, losing the ability to talk, eat or drink was awful, some around here may have enjoyed a little peace and quiet, LOL!!!!
     I am on the mend and am feeling great. PRAISE GOD!!!!  The news of Elizabeth Edwards was hard for me to watch last night and I began to cry when I thought of her children and how they will face the world without their mother, it does scare me. I know that God has a plan for my life and that I will come through this victorious but there are days and moments that doubts creep in and for that I feel ashamed. I feel like I am not trusting God or I am doubting his promises. I don't know if that is natural or I am just trying to be super human or super christian but I do know that it goes away as fast as I pray or read his word. This is a journey with not many highs and LOTS of lows. I have experienced so many I can hardly count, but one thing has stayed true throughout it all....God. He is my ALL, my EVERYTHING, without him I can do nothing. I have given my life to him, CANCER and ALL and he is making all things NEW in me. I can see things in my life that were so important becoming so much less significant and so many things that I have taken for granted becoming so monumental.
     I challenge you today to ask God to show you, as he is me, the things that are important and the things that are not so important that we spend so much of our time focusing on. He will reveal these things to you and when he does it makes things so much more clear and gives one a NEW lease on life, as it has for me:)

Enter HIS praise with Thanksgiving in your heart.......:)

       Well, Thanksgiving is coming this week and this season is by far my favorite of the year. As the trees begin to change and snow begins to fall I turn into super mommy mode making sure my kids experience the traditions that I want them to share with their children someday. I bake, I cook, I decorate, I host, I LOVE being a stay at home mom and wife and live for this time of year to shine:) This year has been somewhat different with my current SITUATION, but I am not going to let a little thing like cancer get in the way of my life, like I had been doing these last few weeks:) I have been going through a valley and feeling as though I didn't have much to look forward to, let alone be thankful for, being sick is not my strong suite. I have been in the hospital prior to breast cancer 4 times in my life....my birth and my three children births so I am not a very good patient. This valley has been long and dark compared to my fast healing, pain free surgeries that God blessed me with, I had no idea that chemo would get me down physically and mentally as it had.
    I had begun to let cancer define me in every way and to a degree it has to with certain physical aspects such as staying germ free thus the confinement. UGH! But I had let it control every thought and action and quite frankly it SUCKED!!!! I was depressed and notably so as you have read. I am still going through this valley and I am not sure how long it will last, Monday will be my last A/C treatment and Taxol should be easier, but I can do this. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ that strengthens me. It is not me, it is HIM in me and even on days when I think I can't do this anymore, HE can.
    As much as I want to get through this next treatment I am dreading it as I always do, because I know all to well the side effects that have lasted a day or two longer each treatment. I am going to, however, praise GOD through this treatment and thank HIM for every blessing I have instead of concentrating on how I FEEL. Every time I start thinking or FEELING bad I am going to praise him OUT LOUD. Fix your eyes on me and not yourself Heather:) Thank you Jesus!!!
      I have so much to be thankful for..... my daughters recent protection in a rollover car crash, PRAISE GOD!!! things could have been so different. My healthy boys that don't allow me to concentrate on cancer every minute of the day with their smiles, laughs and antics, Praise GOD!!!  Instead of concentrating on what I cancer has stolen from me, I am concentrating on what God has given me and is going to restore in my life. Can you say SEVEN FOLD?!!!!
    I am entering this season with thanksgiving in my heart and praise for the one that has promised that he will never leave me or forsake me. Now, onward SUPER SEASON MOMS....I know I am not the only one:) I am going to cook, bake and decorate this season all the while singing his praises for all he has done, is doing and will do in my life, while BALD might I add. You should too. Happy Thanksgiving. God bless:)

Three down, one to go....well sort of:)

      I am over halfway through my first four dense dose chemotherapy treatments. I had my third infusion on the 8th of November. Since then I have been very tired and fatigued, had a lot of nausea and now thrush covering my mouth. I realize my last last few posts have been a real downer and have reflected the way I have been feeling....DEPRESSED!!! I believe that the physical effects of the chemo have been the hardest to endure since my diagnosis. I had three surgeries that I breezed through. I was "IN THE ZONE" then and after 5 months of eradicating this disease from my body I am worn out.
    I have been dwelling on how I feel physically, cause darn it I feel SOOOOO bad. I have had my faith tested many times during this journey and in the last few weeks more that ever. I know I beleive that God almighty has me in the palm of his hand and that he has already told me of my future and the plans he has for me, but in the throws of the aches, pains, nausea, and on and on....you wonder why ? Why God do I have to go through this ? Couldn't you have just healed me before all the surgery, the treatments, the sickness? How much more can I stand? I don't know if I can do this? It is soooo hard. You know you have to do it but you don't want to.
      The chemo is ensuring that my cancer never returns so there is no question as to the validity but it has been the hardest leg of this trip by far. As the last treatment approaches next week I find myself dreading the side effects from the chemo but know that it is the last hard one. My oncologist and other surviors say that taxol is a breeze....Sooooo,I am believing that Taxol will be easier than the A/C and that despite the highly allergic possibilties that I will not have any adverse reactions. Please pray that for me, I am experiencing some anxiety about that possiblility. Tweleve weekly taxol treatments and then I am free of chemo and all of it's terrible side effects. Praise GOD!!! Speaking of God and his faithfulness that shows up every morning and in the wee hours of the night when I can't sleep or am afraid, thank you and praise you JESUS the author and finisher of my faith, for you are doing this, not me.